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Pop Quiz – ACC Thursday Edition

So, forgive your professors at STQ for not getting this up sooner — we’ve been busy studying up on the important games — you know, the ones played on Saturday. Better late than sorry, here is how the resident experts break down the conference clash between Wake Forest and Clemson.

Mad Handles — So much for preseason polls, right? I mean, if we were going by what the “experts” predicted before anyone played a down, Clemson would have rolled in this one. Wake 21, Clemson 17

Slow Jerk — Nothing (everything) makes me more excited (brain-fried bored) than a great (god-awful) matchup between teams (random gathering of athletic college students) from the powerful (ball-less) ACC Conference (AARP). Wake 21, Clemson 19

Smooth as Eggs — Consider this a hunch, since Tommy Bowden is still a leading candidate for worst coach in America and Jim Grobe is a genius. But, at some point, the Tigers’ talent will look good for a game. Clemson 20, Wake Forest 17

The Right Rev — Congratulations, Tommy Bowden. Once again, you coach the most disappointing team in college football. You’ve ALMOST got the lifetime achievement award sewed up. Wake 19, Clemson 17


Streaking the Quad: A Mission Statement

Good afternoon, sportsfans.  As this site starts to pick up some traffic, I’d like to speak candidly to you, if I may.  My name is Slow Jerk, and I’m awesome.  I contribute to this fine, if not growing, blog.  I may say inappropriate things.  You may enjoy our work, or you may think we are complete and total wastes of sperm.  But you know what?

That’s cool.

We want to know what you are thinking.  This blog is obviously about us and what we think, but more than that, we want discussion.  We want arguments.  We want all out melees where people’s mothers and sisters are painted as harlots and stankcrotches.  This is the internet, people, and we want a piece of you.  Things are said on this website that, if i’m being honest, we may not 100% stand behind.  Why would we do that?  Because, it’s much more fun to rag on something than to praise it.  Sure, Alabama is a good football team this year.  But their QB is named John Parker Wilson and he looks like this:

His head looks like a damn walnut.  And that name – good lord, man.  Pretty soon he’ll be giving fake handjobs on the set of the Young and the Restless.

What’s the point, you ask?  Well, we want comments.  We want discussion.

kansas fans- you’re kansas, and you suck.  You should want to defend yourself at every strike.  Hell, we pick you to lose every game.  And you don’t have a single playmaker on that “football” team of yours.

SEC fans – your conference is VASTLY overrated.  Outside of 2-3 teams, you are a glorified Big 10.  And don’t get me started on the big 10… terrible.  Maybe if those two conferences merged we’d have a decent competitor for the Big 12.  Maybe.

So, here at STQ we are about 88% awesome already.  With your contributions and insights, dear readers, we can achieve 100% awesome.  And who knows, you might even be funnier than Smooth as Eggs.

One last thing before I leave you for the day – Personal attacks are good.  You think that I’m an idiot?  Well, then you should take the time to tell me so.  “Hey Slow Jerk-off, what do you know?  I bet that when you were young you probably fast jerked to pictures of your own mother and then shot your Jacquizz all over your father’s shoes.”  Something like that.  Probably not as messed up though.  That’s all me.

Here’s to a great relationship between you internet-blog-nerd readers and us internet-blog-nerd writers.  If you like our site, spread the word.  We are actually serious about making this site fun and somewhat informative, so look for new features.  As the Georgia fan said about the internet – “Internets?  Is that when I stuck my Ugggga inter my sister’s neths?”  Did that even make sense?  Nope.  Enjoy.

Week 6 STQ Dean’s List and Paddle Line

Dean’s list

We’re into full-fledged conference season now, which always separates the men from the boys. The Real Teams from the Pretenders. So sit back and enjoy the ride. The Rev is so excited, he ripped out of one of his too-tight shirts. Slow Jerk is sharpening his mental pencil (there’s still a little nub left). Mad Handles is working on his metaphor-simile crossovers, and Smooth as Eggs? He’s polishing his game like The Rev polished off Jerk’s mom.

Find our Top 21 and Bottom 7 after the jump. Continue reading

Kenny Chesney – Confirmed Douchebag

Dateline: Nashville.

Country music superstar and noted chickenshit Kenny Chesney was a secret guest on ESPN’s popular Gameday program.  The balding freak was allowed to sit in and pick games with the experts.  Read why he’s a giant douchebag after the jump.

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Week 5 STQ Dean’s List and Paddle Line

Dean’s List

After a crazy upset weekend, we know you’re a little shocked. If your team went down, you’re searching for someone to help you make sense of all of this. To deal with the crushing disappointment and sense of, well, loss. Your professors are happy to oblige. Continue reading


Bo Pelini,  your team was in great shape to steal the game from VaTech last night, a pretty remarkable accomplishment, given the way your listless Cornhusker squad slept its way through the first half. Your defense, which had left open lane after lane all night long finally came up big and forced a Hokie punt, which Nate “Great White Hope” Swift returned for a touchdown. Down just 5 points, momentum finally appeared to be on your side. Then, when it mattered most, your team exhibited a remarkable lack of discipline, highlighted, of course, by your complete overreaction to what was a good and proper personal foul call by the official. Way to take the game away from your players, pal. For that, you wear the dunce cap this week, as demonstrated by this hastily slapped together Photoshop image.

STQ Week 5 Pop Quiz

Seriously, doesn’t that pretty much sum up Thursday night’s events?

Anyway, on to this week’s Pop quiz after the jump.

Continue reading