Week 9 STQ Dean’s List and Paddle Line

Dean’s List

It would appear that some people were caught unaware for the start of conference season. It’s put up or shut up time, gentlemen. Coaching changes have already been made, as one preseason Deans’ Lister has fallen from glory (looking at you, Clemson). Who will turn their season around in time to save their goals for the season? Who will save face? Who will save nachos? And who will save Grace?

Get the lastest rankings from our expert (smart-alecks) after the break.

1. Texas

Mad Handles: Colt McCoy: He’s the new Tebow!

Smooth as Eggs: If anybody had questions about the Longhorns, I’d say they have been answered. Texas would hook the Kansas City Chiefs.

Slow Jerk:
I guess this shows why you can never write off UT before the season starts.  Even though Colt McCoy looks like a 12 year old with slight Bell’s Palsy.

The Right Rev: Good news, everyone: Coly McCoy has announced he’ll be back next year. Great…

2. Penn State

Mad Handles: Give me one good reason why Penn State doesn’t belong here. I said a good reason. You can’t.

Smooth as Eggs:
No. 2. JoePa doesn’t worry about No. 1 or No. 2. That’s what Depends are for.

Slow Jerk:
All would be OK in the Slow Jerk household if PSU won it all – the wife digs ’em.  That tells me that I could be a really old man who is senile and says things that are questionable and she’ll still love me.

The Right Rev: Penn State is going to murder Ohio State this week, and every year as long as they run the spread. Seriously, after watching Tressel get de-pantsed by the spread at every turn, why isn’t EVERYONE in the Big MAC running it?

3. Alabama

Mad Handles: Their day is coming. For now, though, No. 3 for sure.

Smooth as Eggs:
The Tide have lost their mountain in the middle just in time for the weak SEC portion of the schedule.

Slow Jerk:
I still don’t think they are better than 4, 5, or maybe even 6.

The Right Rev: Gotta put ’em here. For now. Until JPW reminds us why he’s JPW…

4. Oklahoma

Mad Handles: Keeping the BCS committee more nervous than Boise State: the possibility of a Texas/OU title game  match up.

Smooth as Eggs:
Rebound from a rivalry loss with a smackdown of kansAss and the reward is a game against the ManCrappy JUCO all-stars.

Slow Jerk:
Don’t count them out yet.  The Non-Conference needs to be stronger.

The Right Rev: On cruise control until Bedlam. (wait, didn’t we hear that LAST year? How did that end up?)

5. Florida

Mad Handles: Maybe Okie Lite should be here. They didn’t lose to Mississippi.

Smooth as Eggs:
Tim Tebow dares former Kentucky linebackers to try and tackle him.

Slow Jerk:
Urban Meyer turned on his switch.  That switch it illegal in 43 states.

The Right Rev: Tebow seems to be doing well on his pledge to improve following the Ole Miss debacle, but the Rev isn’t impressed. I mean, really, when is he going to cure cancer? Check back with me then…

6. Oklahoma State

Mad Handles: Definitely the best OSU in the land. Like the other OSU, though, a top 5 finish just isn’t in the cards.

Smooth as Eggs:
Mike Gundy – smart enough to realize that 40 equals manhood. Also smart enough to realize he’s not a defensive coach.

Slow Jerk:
I wonder how long this ride will last.

The Right Rev: Reality probably is on the horizon (in the form of Longhorns), but oSu’s collection of skill talent is impressive.

7. USC

Mad Handles: With all of those five star guys, shouldn’t USC win the National Championship every season? When merely being in the Top 10 is a disappointment, you know you have a tough gig.

Smooth as Eggs:
Even against Pullman Middle School, 69 points is something to get up about.

Slow Jerk:
When you have NFL talent, of course you’ll stick around.

The Right Rev: With a roster that’s 3/4 4- and 5-star players, you’d better be a top 10 squad. Still have the most embarassing loss in the top 10, though.

8. Texas Tech

Mad Handles: Still can’t get past the fact that they had to beat Nebraska in OT, but the offense hasn’t really taken a day off. It’s good.

Smooth as Eggs:
The Red Raiders’ offense better keep clicking because Tech’s defense stops about as much as The Rev’s sister.

Slow Jerk:
This team will lose 2-3 before bowl season.

The Right Rev: They’ve been saying this Red Raiders team is different. Yeah, it is; the offense isn’t as good, but at least the defense isn’t any worse…

9. Georgia

Mad Handles: Before the season started, the Dawgs were all ANYONE could talk about. Halfway through? Nobody is talking about them. Seriously, rarely do you see a team this high get talked about so little.

Smooth as Eggs:
First it was arrests and suspensions. Now it’s injuries. At this rate, Georgia won’t have enough players to finish the season.

Slow Jerk:
I was watching the UGA/Vandy game, and it amazed me how much the regular SEC announcers slobbed on this team.

The Right Rev: Herschel ain’t walking through that door, people. And neither is a crystal trophy…

10. Utah

Mad Handles: We here at STQ told you a long time ago that Utah was better than BYU.

Smooth as Eggs:
Almost as good as Urban Meyer’s current team.

Slow Jerk:
The Ute’s are sticking around.  Wait until RickMa comes and gives a pep talk.  Him and little RickMa.

The Right Rev: Who doesn’t love the Utes QB? I keep telling you folks. And the Ute defense is salty, too (at least by MWAC standards).

11. second state U

Mad Handles: Please. They can’t hold Penn State’s jock.

Smooth as Eggs:
Can Beanie and Pryor play defense, too? That may be the Buckeyes’ only chance to slow Penn State.

Slow Jerk:
No chance against PSU.  None.

The Right Rev: Sweatervest lovers everywhere will continue to cry until Tressel figures out the spread.

12. Missouri

Mad Handles: Back to back stinkers, but this team is too good to lose anymore in the regular season.

Smooth as Eggs:
Still the class of the Big 12 North.

Slow Jerk:
It hurts, man.  It really FUCKING hurts.  But, still in the driver’s seat in the north.  Also, I know someone (me) who will be roaming the sidelines of the game against CU this weekend.  Expect a STQ photo spread.

The Right Rev: The Tigers’ goals before the season: win the North, win the conference, win the national title. As my good buddy meatloaf said… “NOW don’t be sad… ’cause two out of three ain’t bad!’ ”

13. LSU

Mad Handles: The Tigers are lucky South Carolina only wanted to play one half of football.

Smooth as Eggs: May be the class of the SEC West, but the Tigers still lost to Florida by 30.

Slow Jerk: This hurts to say, but they are the Missouri of the SEC.

The Right Rev: Another set of Tigers that are very good, but not great.

14. South Florida

Mad Handles: Must be tough facing a steady diet of teams like Syracuse. This is why Jim Leavitt would be stupid to leave USF.

Smooth as Eggs:
Matt Grothe is the only quarterback gay enough to rock the faux-hawk. Do you hear me Chase Daniel?

Slow Jerk:
One Big east team has to stick around.  Might as well be these guys.

The Right Rev: It’s hard to stomach. The Big East doesn’t have a top 20 team, let alone a top 15. But it’s hard to prove that considering the rest of the league.

15. Boise State

Mad Handles: This year’s Hawaii beat… Hawaii. I’d say “last year’s Hawaii,” but we all just know that’s not true.

Smooth as Eggs:
Counting their blessings that Cody Hawkins followed pops to Colorado.

Slow Jerk:
Why don’t more teams color their fields?  What?  Huh?  oh, right.  because it is LAME.

The Right Rev: I get confused watching Boise play sometimes. They look like an SEC team for the sole reason their QB rocks the front-mullet.

16. TCU

Mad Handles: I’m pretty sure the Mormons are convinced that the horned frog is an amphibious incarnation of Satan himself.

Smooth as Eggs:
It’s not such a bad thing to be the third-best team in Texas.

Slow Jerk:
They’d win the ACC.

The Right Rev: I love horrny frogs.

17. kansas

Mad Handles: Pfft. Just wait.

Smooth as Eggs:
Refuse to acknowledge this. Seriously.

Slow Jerk:
won’t win another game.

The Right Rev: If i was from kansas, I’d kill myself…

18. Ball State

Mad Handles: The fighting Whitlocks getting it done. It won’t last.

Smooth as Eggs:
Good enough to contend in the Big MAC.

Slow Jerk:
Better than kansas.

The Right Rev: They got ranked for the first time this season. Can they finish a season ranked for the first time?

19. BYU

Mad Handles: TCU, BYU, RLY?

Smooth as Eggs:
So much for the BCS. Should have known Mormons wouldn’t be up to crash a party.

Slow Jerk: Hopefully the bowl they get is as far away from sin as possible.

The Right Rev: Not as much fight in these Mormons as we thought.

20. Pittsburgh

Mad Handles: Much like the McRib, Pitt is back!

Smooth as Eggs:
Suddenly the ‘stache has learned how to win. Nah. It’s just how weak the Big East is.

Slow Jerk:
Nope.  Still sucks.

The Right Rev: Only ranked because of the Big East.

21. Tulsa

Mad Handles: I don’t respect teams from flyover country.

Smooth as Eggs:
It’s not such a bad thing to be the third-best team in Oklahoma.

Slow Jerk:
Would win the Big East.

The Right Rev: Fun to watch, until they play a team with BCS athletes on D.

Paddle Line:

It’s time to shape up or ship out. Be ashamed. Be ashamed. We don’t want to hear it, mr. Zook. Stop talking, Mr. Sweeney. Mr. Willingham! Report to the AD’s office immediately!

1. Clemson

Mad Handles: Where were you ranked to start the season? Who did you lose to this weekend? Tsk tsk tsk…

Smooth as Eggs:
Not even getting rid of the worst of the Bowden clan could solve Clemson’s problems.

Slow Jerk:
Your coach is fired, and then his brother blasts saying that he should have been fired.  Weird.

The Right Rev: Hmm. New coach didn’t seem to fix Clemson’s problems. Their OL still sucks.

2. Missouri coordinators

Mad Handles: If there are two dumber coordinators in the country, please identify them. I mean Dave Christensen puts together some wonderfully effective plays, then he throws in a pointless direct snap to the RB. WTF? Mike Martz much? And Matt Eberflus, nice work. You took arguably the best returning safety in college football and made him look like an aimless goof out there. Will Moore ought to sue you for all of the lost wages you’re costing him as his draft stock plummets.

Smooth as Eggs:
Maybe Dave Christensen should spend less time creating some exotic formation and more time working with his offensive line on how to block. As far as Matt Eberflus, I’m not even sure the Tigers work on tackle drills.

Slow Jerk:
Cocky mother fuckers.  I’m sorry, I love you guys, but running a damn reverse on the first play of the game?  Really?  Also, third and long and you ALL OUT BLITZ?  They hit a small slant for 38 goddamn yards.  Why can’t we play every team like they are Nevada?  Why do we have to get fancier than Liberace’s merkin?

The Right Rev: These guys might the dumbest smart guys on the plan. But, gosh, the Rev loves ’em.

3. Washington/Wazzou football

Mad Handles: Well… duh.

Smooth as Eggs:
Even worse than the Seahawks. And that’s saying something.

Slow Jerk:
Wash U in St Louis could field an intramural team to beat these jokers.

The Right Rev: Seriously, how are both teams THIS bad. At least one in-state school should be good, right?

4. Texas locker room

Mad Handles: I’m not saying anything, but Clay Aiken would be right at home there. Don’t you think?

Smooth as Eggs:
I’m surprised the walls weren’t pink and the dress code calls for sweatervests worn about five sizes too small.

Slow Jerk:
Did you see this shit?  They have individual pictures of themselves over their lockers in a “pose”.  Weak sauce.

The Right Rev: I haven’t seen this much cheesy posing for photographs since Banks Floodman was a slob-nobber, err, slobbernocking linebacker at ku.

5. Garcia/tackled by ref

Mad Handles: Hahahahaha. Seriously, that ref put on one hell of a hit. Should be fired, though.

Smooth as Eggs:

It’s one thing to get harrassed by LSU’s defense, but to get leveled by a ref. Weak.

Slow Jerk:
I really don’t understand how this isn’t getting play.  He tackles better than half of the Big 12.

The Right Rev: My mind still doesn’t believe what its eyes are telling it.

6. Lou Holtz Hitler comment

Mad Handles: Dude. Have you learned nothing, whitey? Hitler comments/jokes are ALWAYS off limits. Moron.

Smooth as Eggs:
The fact that ol’ Sylvester the Cat thinks Notre Dame and South Carolina are top programs showed he was senile. The fact that he thought it was a good idea to bring up Hitler as a good leader just proves he is a complete and total moron.

Slow Jerk:
ESPN suspended Jemele Hill for a simlilar comment.  Lou Holtz?  nothing.  Next time, say something worse papa Lou, we do not need you on TV.

The Right Rev: Hey, could be worse, Lou. At least you didn’t send pictures of your unit (no, I’m not talking about Rick Mirer) to an intern.

7. Ron Zook

Mad Handles: Hey, he’s one hell of a recruiter. On the sidelines, though, he’s still Ron Zook. Look at this this way, though, Illinois. There’s a good chance your next coach will properly use the talent Zook left him and make you a BCS force.

Smooth as Eggs:

See people, Florida wasn’t crazy. Zook really can’t coach.

Slow Jerk:
He waterskiis with coeds.

The Right Rev: Zook has big muscles on the recruiting trail, but like most meatheads, he lacks the muscle between his ears to take advantage of it.


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