Well sportsfans, that was a hell of a weekend. 3 of your top teams lost. My beloved Tigers played like they had “Auburn” or “Clemson” on the front of their jerseys. Texas held Demarco Murray to single digit rushing yards. Auburn fired Tony Franklin, thus setting back SEC offensive football even further (seriously, it can happen, folks). This, of course, leads to a shake-up of the Dean’s List and Paddle Line, and a pretty uninspired performance from yours truly, Slow Jerk. In all fairness, Dez Bryant and his overrated play and acidic attitude tore out my soul for a few days. So, after the jump, check out where your favorite team ranks and read our witty anecdotes that follow. Mine are a bit lame, but in all fairness I wrote them with a fauxhawk, mustache, and someone else’s jersey on. The Rev is not represented on this list because he is busy interviewing for the O-Coordinator position at Auburn. Click on “more”, bitches.
Smooth as Eggs – Colt is the real McCoy.
Mad Handles – I don’t know if they’re a legit No. 1, but they have as good a case as anyone.
Slow Jerk – The revolving number one is as relevant this year as it was last.
Smooth as Eggs – Nick Saban is so crafty, he scheduled bye for the week when the rest of the top 5 gets shuffled. When is the value of his soul going to run out?
Mad Handles – Nick Saban is creepier than that talking baby in the E-Trade commercials.
Slow Jerk – Weak, weak number 2.
3. Penn State
Smooth as Eggs – The Nittany Lions and JoePa are partying like its 1929.
Mad Handles – Someone asked JoePa who he was planning to vote for in the upcoming election. He replied cryptically, “Tippecanoe and Tyler too!”
Slow Jerk – After this week PSU will be sitting at number one. Count on it.
Smooth as Eggs – Team to beat in the SEC. Those questions on the offense – answered. Superman looked pretty good, too.
Mad Handles – No rating system is without its flaws, even this one. See, how in the hell can Florida be No. 4 with a loss to Ole Miss on its schedule?
Slow Jerk – Florida proved it once and for all – the SEC isn’t as strong as people think.
Smooth as Eggs – Once again Big Game Bob chokes like a two-cent hooker.
Mad Handles – Well, it was played in the Cotton Bowl. Maybe Bob got confused?
Slow Jerk – I’ll tell you what, Chase Daniel could learn how to lose like Sam Bradford. 5 TD’s in a LOSS!
6. Oklahoma State
Smooth as Eggs – Everybody knows that Gundy is a man. He also proved that he’s a pretty good coach.
Mad Handles – Pretty stupid call to go for that fake punt with 18 yards to gain the first down, but other than that, a solid coaching performance by The Man.
Slow Jerk – This makes me sad, but man, Okie (YES I SAID OKIE) State really played a solid game against my Tigers.
Smooth as Eggs – The Trojans gave Rudy a dirty Sanchez.
Mad Handles – Must be nice to be USC. This team lost to unranked Oregon State, and they’ve come back up to 7th already. All hail the traditional football powers!
Slow Jerk – I don’t agree with this ranking.
Smooth as Eggs – The Mormons keep on winning – 16 straight.
Mad Handles – How frustrating must it be for BYU knowing that even with an undefeated season, they won’t be playing for a National Championship?
Slow Jerk – BYU should not be ahead of Mizzou. Unless we’re talking about “amount of virgins on team”.
Smooth as Eggs – Highly disappointing that the Tigers didn’t show up ready to play Saturday. But, Missouri still had a chance to win against a fine ballclub in the last 2 minutes.
Mad Handles – Bad loss, but it came against a Top 20 opponent. For that reason, Missouri does not leave the Top 10.
Slow Jerk – It is only a bad loss because they played like shit. Losing a close game to a ranked team – reality check for my Tigers.
10. Texas Tech
Smooth as Eggs – Why a drop despite winning? Beating Nebraska in overtime isn’t impressive. The Cornhuskers suck.
Mad Handles – For real? Overtime against Nebraska? Leave it to Mike Leach to make Bo Pelini look smart.
Slow Jerk – That OT game against nebraska was exciting. But it is also an OT WIN AGAINST NEBRASKA. Lame.
Smooth as Eggs – Luckily for the Manspooning CrimeDawgs that Fat Phil has ruined Tennessee.
Mad Handles – And Matt Stafford is just the latest opponent to have a career day against Tennessee.
Slow Jerk – I could beat Tennessee.
Smooth as Eggs – Good enough to knock teams out with only 240 yards of offense.
Mad Handles – Still waiting to see the Mormon State Bowl – Utah vs. BYU.
Slow Jerk – They are on a collision course for a subpar bowl.
13. Ohio State
Smooth as Eggs – The Buckeyes’ offense is SEC-esque.
Mad Handles – Look, talking heads, Ohio State is a decent team. But stop talking about them in the NC hunt, ok? They were exposed by USC and have struggled against teams like Purdue. This is not a title-caliber team. It’s just not. Give it a year or two.
Slow Jerk – Terrelle Pryor has a long way to go before I’ll call him the next Ell Roberson.
14. Boise State
Smooth as Eggs – Wondering when the Rev adds Kellen Moore to his boycrushes, alongside fellow non-bcs QB Brian Johnson?
Mad Handles – The Broncos needed just one quarter to body slam Southern Miss into oblivion. Impressive.
Slow Jerk – Southern Miss. What a challenge.
Smooth as Eggs – So much for the SEC West’s supremacy. The Tigers took care of that when they spread eagle in front of the Gators on Saturday.
Mad Handles – Did anyone seriously doubt that LSU would lay an egg at the Swamp?
Slow Jerk – Sorry, Les, but you’re an 8 win team this year.
16. Michigan State
Smooth as Eggs – Shame on the rest of you hacks for not believing in Javon Ringer. If Ron Dayne and Larry Johnson can run roughshod through this conference, why not Ringer?
Mad Handles – Impressive. I’ll admit that I thought Northwestern would expose State, but I should have known that, backs against the wall, Spartans will always make a stand.
Slow Jerk – I don’t know if I can consider a win against Northwestern “impressive” – is Darnell Autry back?
17. North Carolina
Smooth as Eggs – Who are the Heels’ going to target when Butch bails for bigger and better things?
Mad Handles – Can someone please arrange a cage fight between Butch Davis and Roy Williams? I’d pay good money to see it on PPV.
Slow Jerk – I’m telling you, Slow Jerk picked this. They are a solid football team.
18. Wake Forest
Smooth as Eggs – Why hasn’t Jim Grobe – aka best coach in America – fled for someplace decent yet?
Mad Handles – Grobe will be able to pick his spot when he decides to leave Wake for a real football school.
Slow Jerk – What does “Wake Forest” even mean?
Smooth as Eggs – Good news for the Bears – Jahvid Best looks ready to return from injury.
Mad Handles – Cal bores me to death.
Slow Jerk – Talk about a pity ranking. Bore.
20. Ball State
Smooth as Eggs – BOOM goes the Cardinals.
Mad Handles – Time for Jason Whitlock to start wearing his old Ball State uni to every event he covers the rest of this year.
Slow Jerk – I guess if you don’t lose in the MAC you get some kind of recognition.
21. Virginia Tech
Smooth as Eggs – The Hokies average less than 300 yards of offense. In other words, only the pink skirts defense of Nebraska can make Virginia Tech’s offense looks good.
Mad Handles – The Hokies are still high in my book. Taking out Nebraska will do that for you.
Slow Jerk – Sean Glennon now voluntarily forgets his jersey.
1. Tommy Tubberville
Smooth as Eggs – You decide to join the 21st century and implement the spread. Despite the obvious – Auburn lacks the skill position players to make the spread work – you then decide to fire your new offensive coordinator just six games into the season. You then go and lose to Arkansas – a team that had lost three straight by an average of 36 points per game. Get ready for unemplyoment.
Mad Handles – Seriously, dumbass, what is wrong with you? You don’t decide to implement the spread on a whim and then nix it before you make it to the halfway point of the season. What a douche. Administration should have fired you two seconds after you canned your OC.
Slow Jerk – I hear he’s going to run a mix of the “run-and-shoot” and that high school offense with two qb’s. Oughta work.
2. Ricky Jean-Francois
Smooth as Eggs – You are dumb enough to call out Tim Tebow, claiming you couldn’t wait for the chance to take him out. Except for the fact that you didn’t play. It doesn’t matter how injured you are, you open your mouth, you better back it up. Otherwise you leave your teammates vulnerable for a 30-point ass beating. Should have known that some fag with a French name would lay down rather than fight.
Mad Handles – Hey, Ricky, when you can back up what you say, let’s talk. Until then, just keep your mouth shut.
Slow Jerk – Don’t talk shit to the opponent when you aren’t even going to play. Weak sauce.
3. Georgia Tech’s “spread” option
Smooth as Eggs – Paul Johnson can call it a spread option, but it’s good ol’ fashion triple option. No matter. The Yellow Jackets looked inept Saturday. A win is a win, but 199 total yards and 79 rushing yards on 47 carries against the power that is Gardner Webb. Yuck.
Mad Handles – Triple option. Triple option. TRIPLE OPTION!
Slow Jerk – The Triple Option only works in video games these days.
Smooth as Eggs – Oklahoma just lost. Oklahoma is big. And talented. And now ticked off. Not a good time to be a beaker. Actually, there’s never a good time to be a scumbag. Enjoy.
Mad Handles – Good luck, jackasses. But it’ll take more than that.
Slow Jerk – Fuck them.
5. Chase Daniel
Smooth as Eggs – We here at STQ love the sawed-off quarterback that is Chase Daniel. However, we’re objective enough to realize that Daniel stunk up Memorial Stadium on Saturday. The faux-hawk and mustache weren’t impressive, either.
Mad Handles – I’m convinced that wasn’t Chase Daniel playing for Missouri on Saturday. Rather, it was the Chase Daniels kid everyone is talking about. Daniel would never look that bad, but Daniels… that’s another story.
Slow Jerk – Why was someone named #25 playing QB for the Tigers? Here’s the thing – Chase came out a bit cocky and it bit him in the ass. He’ll bounce back – this team needed a reality check. Watch out, Texas.
6. Vanderbilt’s offense
Smooth as Eggs – The Commodores looked like an SEC team Saturday – 107 yards. How exactly did this lame conference get to be so popular again?
Mad Handles – It looked almost as bad as Chase Daniel’s fauxhawk and moustache.
Slow Jerk – They out-thought themselves.
7. RRS officiating
Smooth as Eggs – When Kirk Herbstreit is calling you out on national television, you know you suck. They were so impressed by horrible (acting) performances, they’re probably convinced that Matthew Stafford is an elite quarterback, that Mark Mangino is fit and that Ron Prince really is Scary Smart.
Mad Handles – What more is there to say?
Slow Jerk – Punters = the character actors of football.