We’re into full-fledged conference season now, which always separates the men from the boys. The Real Teams from the Pretenders. So sit back and enjoy the ride. The Rev is so excited, he ripped out of one of his too-tight shirts. Slow Jerk is sharpening his mental pencil (there’s still a little nub left). Mad Handles is working on his metaphor-simile crossovers, and Smooth as Eggs? He’s polishing his game like The Rev polished off Jerk’s mom.
Find our Top 21 and Bottom 7 after the jump.
Smooth as Eggs: The Sooners in a large game at a neutral site….UH OH. Wait, it’s not bowl season yet.
Slow Jerk: Baylor’s only chance to win that game would have been if they put the word “Bowl” in the title.
Mad Handles: We can stop talking about Baylor now, right? Right.
The Right Rev:. Sam Bradford’s manicurist loves the nonconference season. Gives her time to take care of his nails on Saturdays, while he’s waiting for his receivers to get open.
Smooth as Eggs: The best offense in the country, no matter what that waste of space Mark May spewed (Lou Holtz is starting to sound smarter).
Slow Jerk: No doubt the best offense in the country. Here’s a secret – the D isn’t that bad, either.
Mad Handles: How good is this offense? Well, Bigfoot is sighted more often than the Missouri punter. His name is Jake Harry, by the way.
The Right Rev: Don’t worry, Nebraska fan. Your guys played hard. You’ve got a nice little QB. It’s a long season – good luck the rest of the way.
Smooth as Eggs: Don’t be too concerned. The Tide just came out flat. That’s common in the SEC.
Slow Jerk:Least exciting number 3 team in the history of the number 3.
Mad Handles:This is as high as ‘Bama belongs. Best of the SEC, but would struggle mightily vs. the two offenses above.
The Right Rev: So now we know – if Bama isn’t running the ball well, JPW still is JPW. That’s why Alabama will lose to LSU.
Smooth as Eggs: Still haven’t played anybody. Sorry, Cody Hawkins is just that bad.
Slow Jerk: Interesting to see how they do against OU this week. Signs point to “poorly”
Mad Handles: You could have had Chase Daniel, Texas. Instead you go into the OU matchup led by Colt McCoy. Not a bad option, but think of what could have been. Just think about it.
The Right Rev: Can Mack Brown beat Olahoma without Vince Young?
5. Penn State
Smooth as Eggs: I wonder if JoePa took the Lions out to that swinging burger joint fo rmilkshakes after the game?
Slow Jerk: After this coming week – they’ll be number 3. It’s the magic number.
Mad Handles: With Terrelle Pryor, this could be a legit National Championship contender. Just sayin’. He was in your back yard, guys.
The Right Rev: If there was a win by a top 10 team that was almost as unimpressive as Bama versus Kentucky, it was Penn State against Purdue.
Smooth as Eggs: Even on a bye week, LSU scored more than most SEC teams.
Slow Jerk: Watched the Big 12 this week hoping for tips on how to run an offense.
Mad Handles: Word is Les Miles spent most of Sunday on the phone with Bo Pelini who vowed that he “made a mistake, and if you’ll just take me back this one last time, I’ll never stray again.”
The Right Rev: Sucks when you drop during a bye week, doesn’t it Tigers?
Smooth as Eggs: Bad news Aggie fans, I think according to Mormon law, you are now married to the Cougars.
Slow Jerk: BYU has surpassed Notre Dame as this country’s predominant denominational football power.
Mad Handles: They keep winning, we keep grinnin’. BYU is shaping up to be the proverbial thorn in the BCS’ side.
The Right Rev: What to say about BYU… well, if there’s much to say about them between now and the showdown with Utah, that’s probably bad news for the Fighting Mormons. You know, since they’re through the tough part of their schedule.
8. Texas Tech
Smooth as Eggs: Congrats to Graham Harrell – Texas Tech’s all-time leading passer. With about 3 trillion yards.
Slow Jerk: Of all the Big 12 teams, has anyone else been tested less? It’s like they are athletes taking courses at Georgia.
Mad Handles: Add “carpenter”‘ to the “skills” category on Mike Leach’s resume, because he just delivered a decisive nail to Ron Prince’s coffin.
The Right Rev: Someday, when kSU fans are asked when they knew Ron Prince was out, they will reference Texas Tech.
Smooth as Eggs: How do you answer adversity – 41 straight points to bitchslap the Ducks, that’s how.
Slow Jerk: Really, how did Dirty Sanchez not break his leg? That was nasty. Almost as nasty as a poo mustache.
Mad Handles Had a slow start recovering from the wind sprint-induced comas Carrol put them in, but came to life in plenty of time to destroy a weak Oregon team.
The Right Rev: Be honest: You still wouldn’t want to play them in a bowl.
Smooth as Eggs: Unlike the Trojans, Utah didn’t get Jacquizzed all over.
Slow Jerk: Utah is now the pale, ugly USC.
Mad Handles: Creepin’ up. Watch your back, BYU.
The Right Rev: The Utes continued the Mountain West’s dominance of the Pac-10. here’s a question, Pac-10… why not add those Utah schools to your league? At least then, they don’t make your league look bad.
Smooth as Eggs: Smart kids rule, part 1.
Slow Jerk: Now, I feel good for Vandy – but how ugly did campus look on ESPN Gameday? Corso looked attractive in comparison.
Mad Handles: Como estan, bitches? Vandy’s here to wreck your SEC projections.
The Right Rev: Vanderbilt. Undefeated. Just won a game after hosting Gameday, with their backup QB at the helm. What?
12. Ohio State
Smooth as Eggs: Terrelle Pryor is the truth.
Slow Jerk: Bullshit – Terrelle Pryor is not the truth. The truth is that the Big 10 sucks.
Mad Handles: Ugh. Becasue they beat Wisconsin, now I have to endure the brainless wonders behind the camera talk about Ohio State in the National Championship picture again.
The Right Rev: Amazing what blue-chip QBs can do, isn’t it, Tressel?
Smooth as Eggs: Interesting concept – running the ball with actual running backs and using somebody besides Tim Tebow and Percy Harvin.
Slow Jerk: Urban Meyer put a ban on Tebow-led circumcisions.
Mad Handles: Led mighty Arkansas by 17 at the half. Let me repeat. They led mighty Arkansas by 14 at the half.
The Right Rev:Still not seeing the same Timmy Tebow. Maybe he should spend less time being a good person and more time being a good football player?
Smooth as Eggs: Silly Georgia folks – saying Aron White looks like a fullback. He looks like a wide receiver, but I guess that’s not really needed in a “real” offense.
Slow Jerk: I’ve forgotten about this team. And i’m Ok with that.
Mad Handles: Hey. Can’t lose if you don’t play. Nice strategy, Georgia!
The Right Rev:Congrats. Kentucky gave Bama more of a game than you did.
15. Oklahoma State
Smooth as Eggs: Poor Zac Robinson. First, he’s not a man. Second, he can go 10-of-13 with three touchdowns and still not make a blip on the radar thanks to the stacked quarterback position in the Big 12.
Slow Jerk: Okie State is a RUNNING football team. Nat’l pundits – wake up.
Mad Handles: I think we’re about to find out how much of a man Gundy is. I don’t think he’s going to like the conclusion.
The Right Rev: Offense looks great, but the defense doesn’t. Think Missouri, circa 2006.
16. Boise State
Smooth as Eggs: Still kicking ass, even without the Statue of Liberty play.
Slow Jerk: How cute – blue and orange sections in the stadium. What a visual nightmare.
Mad Handles: They’re a big story in Idaho.
The Right Rev:Side note: Ian Johnson still is playing at Boise; Yeah, it seems like he has been there forever, but what the Rev really wants to know is if his hot wife still cheerleading?
17. Michigan State
Smooth as Eggs: They have a Ringer.
Slow Jerk:17. Michigan State – Second best team in the Big 10.
Mad Handles:17. Michigan State – This was the kind of score that looks somewhat impressive in the SEC – because in that conference it means you had two very good defenses going up against each other. In the Big Ten… not so much.
The Right Rev: The Javon Ringer show probably isn’t this good. But somebody has to be there (and the Rev got outvoted)…
18. North Carolina
Smooth as Eggs: The new best team in the ACC?
Slow Jerk: I believe I said this team would be good.
Mad Handles: So what position does this Hansbrough kid play, again?
The Right Rev: Butch Davis is building. Be afraid, ACC. Be afaid.
Smooth as Eggs: Smart kids rule, part 2.
Slow Jerk: Pardon my language, but what the FUCK?
Mad Handles: Hey, look everybody! A purple-clad team called the Wildcats that actually knows how to play the game of football!
The Right Rev: The Rev has several Northwestern alums as friends, so that’s good. And who doesn’t freaking LOVE Pat Fitzgerald. Great story.
20. Virginia Tech
Smooth as Eggs: In Tyrod Taylor the Hokies trust.
Slow Jerk: They almost lost to nebraska.
Mad Handles: These guys would kill in the Big Ten.
The Right Rev: Gee, think Frankie wishes he had played Tyrod Taylor against East Carolina?
Smooth as Eggs: Nate Longshore resurfaces as does the Bears.
Slow Jerk: Jason Kidd is somewhere making it rain
Mad Handles: Longshore? In Generic Land, would that be roughly the equivalent to Long Beach?
The Right Rev: Cal throws its name in the ring and says “hey, WE could be No. 2 in the Pac-10.”
This week’s Paddle Line, brought to you by the number one, the letter Z, a nice scotch on the rocks (thanks, Ron Burgundy) and the always-reliable Trojan condom (forget that the Trojan broke and you got Jacquizzed on last week. One-time deal, we swear). Also, the Rev would like to mention a few honorable mentions for the paddle line: Lee Corso (your act at Vandy was not only classless but also stupid and wrong. Tommy Tuberville says thanks, but if you ever associated him with Fat Phil Fulmer again, he will tell an Auburn booster to buy your soul) and Kenny Chesney (how someone becomes a Boston Red Sox fan living in Tennessee is a mystery, but I’m sure it has something to do with your gay love affair with Payton Manning, you short, bald no-talent hack).
1. Nebraska defense
Smooth as Eggs: There is no shame in giving up 45 points to Missouri’s offense (The Tigers scored one touchdown on a interception return). However, openly stating that you were going to pitch a shut out, that you were “jacked up” over some top-secret defensive gameplan devised at Roswell and how angry you were based on the ass-whipping Missouri delivered last year – not smart. Guess the Huskers aren’t quite reBOrn yet. Not to mention the loogie launched at Chase Daniel before the game by an unnamed nub player.
Slow Jerk: No way the “unnamed” player spit on Chase. He doesn’t spit – he SUHwallows. Bo Pelini calls him a cockSUHker. Oh yeah – the blackshirts are nothing but a cute little tradition now.
Mad Handles: Wait. I’m confused. Doesn’t something have to exist to be included on this list?
The Right Rev: Bo knows how to make a reBOrn defense look BOdacious; thanks to the CARLfense, they’ve got corn.
Smooth as Eggs: Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, you rallied to beat Iowa State (thanks to a pair of drops on the Cyclones’ last drive). All I know is that a good team wouldn’t fall behind 20-0 at halftime to a Chizik.
Slow Jerk: if ISU is up 20-0 at half against you, I propose a NCAA sanction that says you automatically lose.
Mad Handles: You point to the comeback. I point to 20-0 at half. That’s just sad.
The Right Rev: The jayhawks are lucky Iowa State’s receivers dropped two passes and its quarterback blew a touchdown throw on the last drive. Oh yeah, and kansas sucks.
3. Auburn’s offense
Smooth as Eggs: The goal is to take that oblong ball and score with it.
Slow Jerk: Your homework assignment – look up the phrase “forward pass”
Mad Handles: Please refer to my comment on the Nebraska defense. This is all very confusing to me. We need to establish some rules here at STQ.
The Right Rev: There is no “o” in Auburn’s offensive _ffense.
4. South Florida
Smooth as Eggs: Seriously, Pitt? So much for the Big East’s last hope.
Slow Jerk: The Big East has officially shit on itself.
Mad Handles: We take a break from your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this announcement from the BCS committee: Thank you, Pittsburgh. Thank you very very much. Do you play BYU?
The Right Rev: Just when the Bulls thought they were gonna get out… Shady McCoy pulls ’em right back in.
Smooth as Eggs: See Auburn.
Slow Jerk: Everige sucks.
Mad Handles: Didn’t we all know this was going to happen sooner or later?
The Right Rev: Note to Bielema: You will lose a lot more games at Camp Randall if you don’t bring that offense into the 20th century. The forward pass now is legal.
Smooth as Eggs: I don’t think it would be too kneejerk to fire Sherman in his first season.
Slow Jerk: ow, has there been a worse first year for a coach not named Pelini?
Mad Handles: I usually advocate for keeping coaches at least three years, but I honestly don’t think it’s too early to pull the plug on Sherman right now.
The Right Rev: Wondering why you hired Mike Sherman? Check. Wondering if Tommy Tuberville will jump ship? Check.
7. Scary Smart
Smooth as Eggs: Nothing wrong with getting lit up by Texas Tech. After watching the Mildcats’ inability to tackle against Louisville, I expected K-State to get torched in the Big 12. However, not quite sure about Scary Smart’s recruiting tactics – lastly, cancelling a visit from a four-star QB.
Slow Jerk: Community colleges have no place in the big 12.
Mad Handles: For our non-Big 12 fans, this refers to Ron Prince, whom at least one k-State fan called “scary smart” not long after his hire. See… now it’s just a big running joke.
The Right Rev: Note to Ron Prince: You’re not smarter than everyone else. JUCOs are JUCOs for a reason. Your running back is an NFL Pro Bowl safety waiting to happen. Your quarterback is an NFL tight end. The 3-4 defense can only work in college if you can develop elite DTs (and you can’t do that in Manhattan. Hell, Notre Dame struggles to find ’em.