After a crazy upset weekend, we know you’re a little shocked. If your team went down, you’re searching for someone to help you make sense of all of this. To deal with the crushing disappointment and sense of, well, loss. Your professors are happy to oblige.
Mad Handles: Honestly, after this week, it’s these guys or Alabama. Might as well be OU.
Slow Jerk: Remember last week how there was a “clear cut” number one that was untested? See: Oklahoma
Smooth as Eggs: Until January against mid-majors, let’s just call them The Machine.
The Right Rev: Sam Braford makes opponents look as retarded as he does… and his accuracy leaves behind a trail of tears, from opposing DBs.
Mad Handles: Escaped Upset Saturday by keenly scheduling a bye. EVERYONE is smart at Missouri.
Slow Jerk: Mizzou is (and i know they are ranked 3rd and 4th) getting kind of a bad rap. Their defense is fine, and they’ve played a tougher schedule than most of the top 5. You’re kidding yourself if you think that effing Auburn would beat Nevada like they were SEMO.
Smooth as Eggs: Honestly will admit I was pleased Missouri had the week off.
The Right Rev: The Tigers’ offense is clicking on all cylinders. With all-american safety William Moore back from injury, will the defense kick its play up a notch?
Mad Handles: Don’t look now, but ‘Bama’s rising faster than Bristol Palin’s skirt at a Wasilla house party.
Slow Jerk: The win over UGA was impressive. They have to come back to earth soon, right? If not – watch out SEC.
Smooth as Eggs: Apologies to John Parker Wilson. I’ve often described Mr. Front Mullet as ManSpooner Stafford’s equal, while in reality, JPW is vastly superior. Won’t let it happen again.
The Right Rev: Bama’s line play has been impressive, but remember this: the offensive lines of both of the teams they’ve scored ‘big’ wins against are shaky, either because of a lack of experienced players (Clemson) or injury (Georgia). Just a thought…
Mad Handles: Another strong entry from the SEC. Impressive, until you look at the top 5 in its entirety.
Slow Jerk: I’m still not totally buying LSU as this good. Cue the lame “i’m from Missouri, you have to show me” crap – actually – I want to see them play someone.
Smooth as Eggs: The Tigers have scored at least 21 in 25 straight games. Offensive juggernaut.
The Right Rev: Jarrett Lee has looked good, but the Rev still isn’t sold on his ability to keep LSU’s offense clicking- this year.
Mad Handles: Texas makes three Big 12 teams in the top 5. Who’s better now, SEC?
Slow Jerk: DESTROYED Arkansas. Colt McCoy looks like a non-insane Vince Young.
Smooth as Eggs: Competition about to take a major step up from the weak sisters of the SEC.
The Right Rev: Colt McCoy is running all over the place. Now, that sounds like a good thing, but what happens once Big 12 play starts – and he starts taking some big shots from guys like OU’s Nic Harris or Missouri’s Sean Weatherspoon? Does he again become Colt “My brain is slapping the side of my skull and now I can’t play” McCoy?
6. Penn State
Mad Handles: This, ladies and gentlemen, is the team to beat in the Big Ten. Don’t cream yourself, Penn Staters, that’s like picking which pile of cow dung smells the freshest in the pasture. No matter what, it’s still shit.
Slow Jerk: So, the New Kids on the Block are back with a new album. This blogger won’t deny he was Hangin’ Tough back in the day. Now they have some new music, and although they are creepy old, it kind of fits into the music landscape of today. EXACTLY like Penn State. Used to be hot, went away, are back in kind of a “awww, that’s kinda cool” way, and will be back to nothing shortly.
Smooth as Eggs: A Big Mac team that is actually somewhat exciting, strage I know.
The Right Rev: OK, look, I had no beef with Penn State. Sure, Joe Pa is older than dirt and an embarassment. But then they had to start calling their O the “HD spread.” Sorry, friends. If there is indeed an HD spread in the nation, it resides in Columbia, MO.
Mad Handles: Bring ’em Young, doin’ it, and doin’ it well.
Slow Jerk: Untested you say? You take UCLA to the woodshed like that and still have the ability to marry multiple partners.
Smooth as Eggs: Do Mormons believe in sacrificing live animals? How else to explain Utah State on BYU’s schedule.
The Right Rev: Somewhere, Koy Detmer is crying as Max “Don’t call me Ty Detmer” Young throws a TD pass. There definitely is joy in Mormonville – this week.
8. Texas Tech
Mad Handles: How much does this suck for Mike Leach… his best Tech team yet, and they have really not legit shot at winning the Big 12 South title. Psst… Mike… take another job, pal. You’re never going to surpass Texas or OU.
Slow Jerk: Remember Christoper Walken in Pulp Fiction? How he jammed that timepiece up his pooper? Well, that’s Texas Tech. It’s always “their time” – but when you finally look at it they are full of shit.
Smooth as Eggs: Four of the top eight teams from the Big 12 = best conference in college football.
The Right Rev: Everybody is used to Texas Tech being the fourth- or fifth-best team in the Big 12. No one is used to them being a top 10 team. Of all the years (take the Tennessee job, Mike. Do it!)
Mad Handles: I guess.
Slow Jerk: Too bad Rick Majeraus isn’t still at Utah – they could have him come in and for motivation show them his penis.
Smooth as Eggs: That’s right two Mountain West teams in the top 10 – same as the SEC, and more than the Big Mac and Pac-10 combined.
The Right Rev: Brian Johnson will carve you up. He’s coming for your undefeated season, BYU.
Mad Handles: So last week I told you all to get really comfortable with USC in the top spot… apparently I have jinx power. I plan to use this power selectively from this point forward.
Slow Jerk: Mark Sanchez is a poor man’s Timmy Chang.
Smooth as Eggs: USC would still beat the Rams. After all, St. Louis doesn’t recruit running backs from Munchkin Land.
The Right Rev: Turns out, Rey Muauluga will NOT eat your soul.
Mad Handles: Poor Georgia. So close, and then Nick Saban just shot the Crimson Tide right past you. Not quite good enough in 2007, suddently past your peak in 2008. It might have worked out for you if there were a such thing a 2007.5 season.
Slow Jerk: I guess they played “flat” – really it boils down to that selfish Knowshon not jumping over people.
Smooth as Eggs: Dawg fans, this is why it’s important to have a quarterback that can throw the ball. Also, can the comparisons between Knowshon and Herschel stop now?
The Right Rev: In the words of one Georgia fan I know: “Why pass when you can run?” Answer: Because, sometimes, you have to throw to come back and win. Gotta be able to do both, folks (and killing outmanned teams with play-action doesn’t count).
12. South Florida
Mad Handles: This is really about as high as they belong this season.
Slow Jerk: The Big East Champion will be lucky to be in the top 20 by the end of the year.
Smooth as Eggs: Best team in Florida?
The Right Rev: The Bulls are in the thick of things right now, but the center can not hold. (Not even if Mel Gibson shows up, shoots fireballs from his eyes and lightning from his arse, and shouts “hold” a lot). USF wins the Big East, but that’s about it.
Mad Handles: I’m not sure they belong here, but it’s hard to move ’em down.
Slow Jerk: Looks like that 3-2 victory they had is going to be one of their more high-flying games.
Smooth as Eggs: The defense scores as often as the offense. Again, how can they call that a spread attack?
The Right Rev: Will some teams please step up and give us a reason to move the Tigers’ and their 1878 offense down the list? I’m looking at your Florida.
Mad Handles: Ole Mess, really, Florida? How does Urban Meyer accomplish one of the greatest motivations in college football history – getting his underdog Gators jacked up to beat heavily favored OSU in a title game – and yet lose to this feckless band of underachievers from Mississippi?
Slow Jerk: Urban Meyer – when you are KILLING a lesser opponent with the option and crossing routes, do you think you could try not to run Tebow up the middle against a D-Line who has been anal raping your O all day? Tebow is overrated. Where’s Leak when you need him?
Smooth as Eggs: Seriously, Missouri’s spread makes Florida’s look like a normal SEC offense.
The Right Rev: Tim Tebow assures us all he’s going to outwork everyone in college football the rest of this season. I assure you it will be enough to win the SEC East.
15. Ohio State
Mad Handles: So… you lost to USC, who lost to Oregon State. Wow. And I didn’t think you could be any less impressive.
Slow Jerk: Beanie is back. Good, because they needed him against Minnesota. Early upset alert – Michigan takes the big one.
Smooth as Eggs: Beanie Wells hurdled a guy. See, told you it wasn’t that special.
The Right Rev: Can Benie run from the spread option? It’s hard to imagine.
16. Boise State
Mad Handles: This is oddly familiar. Boise State setting itself up to be BCS spoiler. Unfortunately, it just never ends well for the “spoiler.”
Slow Jerk: Maybe their running back will propose to a cheerleader. That’s the cuteness involved with Mid-Majors – in a BCS conference the Running Back just takes his sex from ’em.
Smooth as Eggs: Did Ian Johnson and that cheerleader get hitched?
The Right Rev: Have you seen a picture of Kellen Moore? Seriously, folks, with that hair, this kid should play in the SEC. Fortunately for Boise State, he actually can throw the football.
Mad Handles: They might be the second best team in the SEC.
Slow Jerk: Smart people can play football, too. Somewhere, Matthew Stafford is trying to spell “Vanderbilt”
Smooth as Eggs: Vanderbilt on GameDay. What’s next – The Right Rev starts wearing shirts that fit?
The Right Rev: First: My shirts fit. It isn’t the Rev’s fault Smooth as Eggs is jealous of Rev’s ripped physique and stunning good looks. Second: speaking of good looks, the answer you’re looking for there is: Girls that go to Vandy. Third: Gameday at Vandy, really? Fourth: Chris Nixson is a stud.
18. Oklahoma State
Mad Handles: Okie Lite, finally performing for The Man.
Slow Jerk: High flying – but will probably get exposed in conference. I think they’ll beat Tech, though.
Smooth as Eggs: The Cowboys are 4 and 0. Why do those numbers seem familiar at Oklahoma State?
The Right Rev: Oklahoma State has phenomal skill talent, and Dez Bryant is going to explode on to the national scene soon. Too bad their defense is about as tough as a sorority girl with a trust fund. Will they ever put the pillows and nail polish away and STOP someone?
19. Fresno State
Mad Handles: See Boise State entry above.
Slow Jerk: Pat Hill has a sweet ‘stache.
Smooth as Eggs: The Bulldogs used a 21-play drive to drain the final 8:55 Saturday against UCLA. Think about that – 21 plays and didn’t even score. Missouri averages about seven touchdowns in 21 plays.
The Right Rev: You know, it’s funny. When your team is kind of good, you love seeing mid-majors succeed. When your team is in the running for a BCS bid, you worry about a bunch of them being ranked.
Mad Handles: Had a good time playing homecoming spoiler at Wazzu.
Slow Jerk: I don’t care about this team.
Smooth as Eggs: If you line up behind center, yet aren’t allowed to throw a pass, are you still a quarterback? Sorry Chris Harper, you still can’t convince me.
The Right Rev: You couldn’t pay me to play QB for Oregon. I love my body too much. Why can’t Oregon recruit an OL to match its skill position players? Is it because those unis make big guys look too fat?
21. Virginia Tech
Mad Handles: Way to bounce back after that early loss to ECU. The game vs. Nebraska wasn’t as close as the score indicated.
Slow Jerk: Wait, beating nebraska gets you ranked? That’s strange.
Smooth as Eggs: Virginia Tech – If for no other reason than helping reality set in for the irrational kool-aid guzzlers in Nebraska.
The Right Rev: Tyrod Taylor is an explosive young player, but a team with fast, smart, assignment-sound linebackers can shut him down. Mizzou fans: you know what the Rev is preaching.
From a coach who likes to drink – and who specializes in yelling at officials like he’s in a bar fight with them, to a huge group of pretenders – including a whole division full of them – it’s time for the week’s worst to line up and take their medicine.
Slow Jerk: You cannot call the ref a cocksucker, even if he proved to you the night before that he is exactly that. Poor form.
Mad Handles: I already gave the guy the dunce cap for the week. That unsportsmanlike conduct penalty taken after watching Suh’s blatantly obvious late hit penalty was perhaps the dumbest thing we’ll see in college football this season. It’s called composure, Bo. You might want to find some.
Smooth as Eggs: The defensive genius allowed 35 points to an impotent VaTech offense. That brilliant decision to get flagged late for unsportsmanlike conduct really helped the Huskers’ chances, too. And this is the guy who is going to slow Missouri’s video-game offense. Right.
The Right Rev: Not to be shallow, but Bo Pelini might be the ugliest man alive. He also might be the dumbest. And apparently has never watched Bull Durham. You can’t say THAT to the referee at any time – let alone when your team is trailing by five and penalty puts them inside your own 15 with little time left on the clock. A field goal there doesn’t kill you, genius.
2. The SEC East
Slow Jerk: Is there a SEC South? because that’s where real football is, the souf.
Mad Handles: It’s pretty clear where the power in the SEC resides.
Smooth as Eggs: Four chances to win a game against the West on Saturday. Zero wins. Including the funeral in Athens.
The Right Rev: So much for the “best division in college football” claims…
3. Trojans –
Slow Jerk: Oregon State busted the Trojans and Jacquizzed all over their faces.
Mad Handles: These guys were clearly paper lions. One thing they were great at this week, though: allowing that sawed-off RB from Oregon State to look like the second coming of Emmitt Smith.
Smooth as Eggs: If that’s the best defense that Trojans provide, there are a lot of unsuspecting pregnant women out there.
The Right Rev: Meet USC – the new Michigan (circa 1998-2006 or so). A team loaded with so many talented stars, you can’t see them losing any games – yet too many prima donnas keeps the team from playing consistently and avoiding upsets, while their nice guy coach smiles and complements everyone around him without dealing with the problem.
4. Wisconsin –
Slow Jerk: If you lose a game because you can’t line up properly at the line of scrimmage, you might be a Big 10 team.
Mad Handles: Yeah. If you didn’t see it, go back and watch. There’s really not a lot to say.
Smooth as Eggs: Up 19-0 and holding Michigan to negative passing yards at halftime, how does a supposed top-10 team lose? Seriously, I want to know. Send answers to SmoothEggs@gmail.com or click on that comments button.
The Right Rev: Coach Bielema, are you ready to open your heart? Are you ready to believe that a modern offense can SAVE you from the depths of offensive hell? It’s easy, my friends. For a small donation of…
5. Tommy Bowden –
Slow Jerk: He is the Roger Clinton of coaching. you know, that annoying not-as-talented sibling.
Mad Handles: Shoot, at this point you have to wonder which Bowden lasts longer – Bobby or Tommy?
Smooth as Eggs: Who gets fired first – Bowden or Lane Kiffin? Guess we got THAT answer. Your time is coming, Bowden.
The Right Rev: Hey, at least they have one award locked up: 2008’s biggest waste of talent. And Tommy Bowden is closing in on the lifetime achievement version of the prize.
6. Kirk Ferentz –
Slow Jerk: Stop using the Steelers’ uniforms.
Mad Handles: Funny. I don’t hear many Hawkeye fans bitching about Missouri bailing on that series these days. Thank you, Kirk Ferentz.
Smooth as Eggs: Bet he wishes he bailed on Iowa City for the NFL when he had the chance.
The Right Rev: There’s a guy I work with who went to Iowa. He has a picture of himself with Kirk Ferentz in his cube. Every Monday, I wonder if that picture will suddenly have a hole where Ferentz’s head used to be.
Slow Jerk: I’d rather not wipe my ass for 10 days after eating Chipotle three times a day than ever having to go to Lawrence, kansas.
Here comes conference play, kU. Get ready.
Smooth as Eggs: You still suck.
The Right Rev: If I was from kansas, I’d kill myself. So DIE.