STQ Week 5 Pop Quiz

Seriously, doesn’t that pretty much sum up Thursday night’s events?

Anyway, on to this week’s Pop quiz after the jump.

Leading the class is Smooth as Eggs (97-24; 23-6 last week, 0-1 this week), followed by The Right Rev (95-26, 22-7 last week, 0-1 this week), Slow Jerk (94-27, 20-9 last week, 0-1 this week) and still wearing the Scary Smart dunce cap in the corner is Mad Handles (92-29, 20-9 last week, 0-1 this week).

Handles

Jerk

Eggs

Rev

Minn. at (14) tOSU

tOSU 42-15

tOSU 29-17

tOSU 10-4

tOSU 31-10

Maryland at (20) Clem.

Clem. 28-14

Clem. 16-10

Clem. 14-13

Clem. 21-17

Ole Miss at (4) Florida

Florida 42-3

UF 33-24

Florida 23-6

Florida 27-3

Arkansas at (7) Texas

Texas 52-7

Texas 66-3

Texas 47-12

Texas 56-10

(9) Wisconsin at Mich.

Wisc. 9-6

Wisc. 17-2

Wisc. 12-3

Wisc. 6-3

Tenn. at (15) Auburn

Auburn 9-7

Auburn 12-0

Auburn 3-2

Auburn 3-2

Houston at (23) ECU

UH 28-27

ECU 23-21

ECU 27-24

ECU 17-13

(25) Fresno at UCLA

Fresno 17-10

Fresno 27-12

Fresno 30-23

Fresno 23-12

Navy at (16) Wake

Wake 35-13

Wake 30-17

Wake 27-16

Wake 24-10

(24) TCU at (2) OU

OU 42-14

OU 31-16

OU 40-17

OU 35-13

Miss. State at (5) LSU

LSU 41-0

LSU 26-17

LSU 17-2

LSU 45-3

(13) USF at NC State

USF 24-10

USF 29-12

USF 29-9

USF 27-14

(8) Bama at (3) UGA

Bama 24-17

Bama 17-15

UGA 9-7

UGA 20-10

(22) Ill. at (12) PSU

PSU 42-17

PSU 33-21

PSU 27-18

Illinois 28-24

Army at aTm

aTm 13-10

aTm 3-0

aTm 7-6

Army 13-9

Colorado vs. FSU

Col. 28-6

Col. 23-19

Col. 20-6

Col.19-10

UL-Lafayette at K-State

k-State 33-10

kSU 17-0

K-State 10-9

kSU 31-20

Troy at Okie State

OSU 28-14

OSU 39-12

OSU 40-15

OSU 49-24

VaTech at Nebraska

UNL 27-24

UNL 29-10

VaTech 17-11

VaTech 7-3

UConn at Louisville

Ville 14-6

UConn 32-28

UConn 34-31

Ville 21-20

N. Carolina at Miami

Miami 7-6

UNC 17-12

Miami 16-14

Miami 15-12

Purdue at ND

Purdue 13-10

Purdue 33-10

Purdue 42-17

Purdue 24-21

Marshall at WVU

Marsh. 14-10

WVU 27-13

WVU 20-6

WVU 30-9

Mich. State at Indiana

MSU 33-14

MSU 17-13

MSU 33-17

MSU 40-10

Oregon at Wazzu

Oregon 31-21

Wazzu 7-0

Oregon 34-11

Oregon 27-17

Nevada at UNLV

Nevada 28-24

Nevada 21-20

UNLV 20-16

Nevada 38-35

Stanford at Washington

Stan. 17-14

Wash. 3-0

Stan. 20-7

Stan. 28-24

Top 25

Saturday

Minnesota at (14) Ohio State

Mad Handles – Tressel got wise last week and inserted Pryor as the starter. Well, at least Beckman did one good thing for you, OSU fans. He was just Boeckman enough to give up the job to the true frosh. Ohio State 42, Minnesota 15

Slow Jerk – Terrelle Pryor plays. Ohio State wins an ugly game because they really aren’t that good. Joe Bouserman is better than Todd Boeckman. Ohio State 29, Minnesota 17

Smooth as Eggs – I think Minnesota should hire Craig T. Nelson as coach. He did wonders for Minnesota State. Ohio State 10, Minnesota 4

The Right Rev – Still laughing at Todd Boeckman EVER being considered the top NFL draft prospect at his position in his class. SECONDSTATE U 31, Minnesota 10

Maryland at (20) Clemson

Mad Handles – My dad has a great folk saying. It goes something like this: Even a blind hog finds an acorn every now and then. Well, Maryland = blind hog. Unfortunately, Cal = acorn. This one’s not happening, folks. Clemson 28, Maryland 14

Slow Jerk – Tempting to take Maryland. But then, realize that they’ve already played their one shocking game of the year. Clemson 16, Maryland 10

Smooth as Eggs – Tommy Bowden is still the worst coach in the family. Yes, even worse than Jeff. Yes, even worse than senile papa. Clemson 14, Maryland 13

The Right Rev – Maryland’s Darius Heyward-Bey is the best receiver you probably don’t know about. But this game won’t make him known to any more people. Clemson 21, Maryland 17

Ole Miss at (4) Florida

Mad Handles – Anyone else getting a serious “Of Mice and Men” vibe from this one? Are there any woodsheds near The Swamp? Florida 42, Ole Mess 3

Slow Jerk – The Florida argument is that Florida’s offense isn’t doing much because it doesn’t have to. They like to think of themselves as Milton Berle in a wang contest – only break out as much as you need to win. Too bad Uncle Miltie is dead and football players wear pants. UF 33, Ole Miss 24

Smooth as Eggs – Who needs the Wild Rebel offense when you have the Holy Tebow offense? Florida 23, Ole Miss 6

The Right Rev – Either Tim Tebow ran into some kryptonite over the offseason, or Florida is approaching things with a different offensive outlook. Who knows? They still have plenty to handle Ole Miss at home. Florida 27, Ole Miss 3

Arkansas at (7) Texas

Mad Handles – Are you serious? Texas 52, Arkansas 7

Slow Jerk – Texas – play someone from a real conference, will you? Texas 66, Arkansas 3

Smooth as Eggs – Another cupcake for the Longhorns. Texas 47, Arkansas 12

The Right Rev – You’d almost feel bad for Arkansas – if its coach wasn’t scum and its QB wasn’t a Dick. Texas 56, Arkansas 10

(9) Wisconsin at Michigan

Mad Handles – Wisconsin wins. Humanity loses. Wisconsin 9, Michigan 6

Slow Jerk – Hey RichRod – how’s that West Virginia job looking? Oh, right. Wisky 17, Michigan 2

Smooth as Eggs – Michigan is so bad that the Wolverines may make Wisconsin look exciting. Nah, who am I kidding. That’s impossible. Wisconsin 12, Michigan 3

The Right Rev – Nothing would make the Rev happier than watching Wiscy get upset. Hey, it would make at least ONE Wisconsin game entertaining. Wisconsin 6, Michigan 3

Tennessee at (15) Auburn

Mad Handles – Have you been watching Fulmer on the sidelines this season? I’m wondering what’s going to get him first, heart disease or an aneurysm? Auburn 9, Tennessee 7

Slow Jerk – Tennessee wishes Erik Ainge still had eligibility. And that folks is the definition of “we’re in trouble”. Auburn 12, Tennessee 0

Smooth as Eggs – If the over/under on this game is more than about 10, I’d be shocked. Auburn 3, Tennessee 2

The Right Rev – The Tigers’ offense showed the smallest signs of life last week (think of someone who has bled about ¾ of the way out. Yeah, like that). Tennessee has yet to show the slightest sign Phil Fulmer deserves to keep hi s job. Auburn 3, Tennessee 2

Houston at (23) East Carolina

Mad Handles – Houston survived a hurricane. Pirates? They’re not a problem. Look for Houston’s offense to pull them through in this one. Houston 28, ECU 27

Slow Jerk – Patrick Pinkney isn’t nearly as good as he was hyped up to be when ECU beat a shitty WVU team. That said, Houston will have trouble containing him. If Pat White were in this offense, he’d be a Heisman guy. ECU 23, Houston 21

Smooth as Eggs – Suffering succotash. Last week, the Pirates were desthpicable. East Carolina 27, Houston 24

The Right Rev – If this game were at Houston, I’d go with the upset here. As it is, Lou Holtz gets one more week to slobber on. East Carolina 17, Houston 13

(25) Fresno State at UCLA

Mad Handles – Well, USC is out of town this weekend. At least this gives the SoCal college football fans something interesting to take in this weekend. Fresno St. 17, UCLA 10

Slow Jerk – Ricky should start planning his NCAA pool sheet now. He’s gonna need a way out of this job. Fresno 27, UCLA 12

Smooth as Eggs – Rick Neuheisel looks and acts like a used car salesman. Pat Hill looks like he’d kill you. Enough said. Fresno 30, UCLA 23

The Right Rev – I’m not making the mistake of counting on UCLA and Slick Rick again. Fresno 23, UCLA 12

Navy at (16) Wake Forest

Mad Handles – Navy has about as much chance of winning this one as I do of becoming a SEAL. Wake 35, Navy 13

Slow Jerk – The only way the Navy can win this one is if they find Bin Laden in the student section. Wake Forest 30, Navy 17

Smooth as Eggs – I’ve been telling you since before the season started that Wake Forest was the class of the ACC. Jim Grobe = Best Coach in America. Wake 27, Navy 16

The Right Rev – The Deacs dominated Florida State, and it should have been a MUCH uglier score. Seven INTs? For real, FSU? For serious? Wake 24, Navy 10

(24) TCU at (2) Oklahoma

Mad Handles – Let me repeat, class, this is the kind of game Bob Stoops wins. Unless it’s a BCS bowl game. OU 42, TCU 14

Slow Jerk – TCU has beat OU before. If they want to do any beating come saturday, they should hang out with kansas state and their boys and girls club. (too soon?) OU 31, TCU 16

Smooth as Eggs – Didn’t TCU beat Oklahoma four years ago or so? Ha. Oklahoma 40, TCU 17

The Right Rev – TCU’s defense is stout, but so is Bob Stoops’ opinion of himself – and his desire for revenge. TCU got its upset of Oklahoma for the century out of the way early. It’s blowout city now, baby. Oklahoma 35, TCU 13

Mississippi State at (5) LSU

Mad Handles – New strategy for Mississippi State. Employ the McCain defense – refuse to show up at LSU unti the current financial crisis is resolved. Otherwise, the terrorists win. Now watch this drive. LSU 41, Mississippi St. 0

Slow Jerk – I don’t buy LSU. Just like how Shawn Kemp doesn’t buy condoms. LSU 26, Mississippi State 17

Smooth as Eggs – Does Mississippi State even possess an offense? LSU 17, Miss. State 2

The Right Rev – Mississippi State’s offense is so bad, you’d think a concussed Andrew Hatch was at the helm. Wait, that would be an improvement. LSU 45, Mississippi State 3

(13) South Florida at NC State

Mad Handles – Beware the Selvie, NC State. South Florida 24, NC State 10

Slow Jerk – USF has been fairly dissapointing so far. Sure, they beat kansas and made me very happy, but they’ve been fairly ho-hum otherwise. Although this much I know to be true – George Selvie could start for the St. Louis Rams. At QB. USF 29, NC State 12

Smooth as Eggs – So, rumors are that NC State is starting Harrison Beck at quarterback. Hahahahahahaha. Sorry, I just about George Brett myself laughing so hard at the thought of a team so desperate for a quarterback, it turns to Beck. South Florida 29, NC State 9

The Right Rev – The Big Least’s lone decent team will keep representin’… for whatever that’s worth. USF 27, NC State 13

(8) Alabama at (3) Georgia

Mad Handles – Bama’s going to play spoiler in the SEC this season. Might as well start this weekend. Alabama 24, Georgia 17

Slow Jerk – Bama is primed for an upset. Georgia has slipped by so far unscathed. Stafford will fold under pressure. Nick Saban will punch a crippled child in the face. Bama 17, Georgia 15

Smooth as Eggs – Black jerseys? Please. That is so 20th century. Georgia 9, Alabama 7

The Right Rev – Neither team is as good as advertised; the winner won’t deserve the credit it gets, either. Georgia 20, Alabama 10

(22) Illinois at (12) Penn State

Mad Handles – And thus ends the Illini’s run in the Top 25 this season. Penn St. 42, Illinois 17

Slow Jerk – The Rev calls for Illinois. Bad move, my friend. JoePa may have boxer briefs older than Ron Zook, but he can still outcoach that Pete Carroll look-a-like. PSU 33, Illinois 21

Smooth as Eggs – Penn State has a quarterback. Illinois does not (well, the Illini do. His name is Eddie McGee. But Zook refuses to play him.). Penn State 27, Illinois 18

The Right Rev – Penn State has been crushing the weak sisters so far. Juice Williams is no weak sister, sucka’. UPSET SPECIAL! Illinois 28, Penn State 24

Big 12

Saturday

Army at aTm

Mad Handles – This is actually good battle training for our servicemen. The fans they’ll encounter at aTm are far crazier than any enemy they’ll encounter on the battlefield. aTm 13, Army 10

Slow Jerk – Javorskie Lane carries the ball 1 time for 2 yards. And that’s almost matching his performance so far this year. On the bench he then calls the vendor over 4 times for a total of 6 hot dogs. Production. aTm 3, Army 0

Smooth as Eggs – It’s kind of fitting that the Army plays a team that resembles the French military. aTm 7, Army 6

The Right Rev – Army is a four TD underdog. And I’m taking Army. Yes, aTm is that bad. Army 13, aTm 9

Colorado vs. Florida State at Jacksonville

Mad Handles – THIS IS THE BIG 12! THIS IS DIVISION 1 FOOTBALL! Hippies beat the swampers in this one. Colorado 28, Florida State 6

Slow Jerk – Colorado will keep winning, making people think they are good. If this game was a color, it’d be the color terrible. Colorado 23, Florida State 19

Smooth as Eggs – Consider me, the resident expert on the ACC. I’ve been dead-on in my assessment of Tommy Bowden and Wake Forest. And that was before I instructed last week not to buy the hype of Florida State being back. Seven turnovers later, the Seminoles still look like the inside of Bobby Bowden’s Depends. Colorado 20, FSU 6

The Right Rev – Maybe Florida State should see if they can get Burt Reynolds to come back and play some QB? It worked in “The Longest Yard.” Colorado 19, Florida State 10

UL-Lafayette at Kansas State

Mad Handles – Prince won’t need to have his team running at 3:30 a.m. this week. They should be prepared to run A LOT come conference play, though. k-State 33, ULL 10

Slow Jerk – U-la-la is not a bad team. ksu is. Ron Prince is the JT Money of college coaching. Remember him? Had one hit with the song “Who Dat” – and then after that proved to be a crappy rapper and just went back to pimping? Well – remember the Texas game last year? That’s Scary Smart’s Who Dat. Now he just pimps the community colleges. kSU 17, ULL 0

Smooth as Eggs – I’m calling this the Slow Jerk Game of the Week and advising all STQ readers to NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THIS GAME. k-State 10, UL-Lafayatte 9

The Right Rev – kSU’s early momentum was halted by the first halfway decent team it played, but another cupcake will right the ship. kSU 31, UL-Lafayette 20

Troy at Oklahoma State

Mad Handles – If this game were a commodity sold on the street in China, it’d be marketed as “Trojans vs. OSU,” and they’d sell a shitton of them to dumbass Americans who thought they were getting a premium product. OSU 28, Troy 14

Slow Jerk – Okie State might be the only team who is effected by the recent business troubles on wall street and the like. T. Boone Pickens, when defending his money, screams “I’m a man! I’m, um, I’m, dammit how old am I?” OSU 39, Troy 12

Smooth as Eggs – Screw you Junior Louissaint. Okie State 40, Troy 15

The Right Rev – REVENGE! This season isn’t that inspiring… but it gave us the “I’m a man…” rant. So we owe it. OSU 49, Troy 24

Virginia Tech at Nebraska

Mad Handles – Nubbies win this one because… VaTech suuuuuxxxxx. Then they have a reckoning coming as the REAL Blackshirts from Columbia, Mo. travel to Lincoln next week to cream the corn. Nebraska 27, VaTech 24

Slow Jerk – Let me tell you about a toothless cornholer who watches his team beat an ugly VT team. He then has his friend read him the schedule “I ain’t got no time for that readin’ business” and sees Missouri on the schedule next. At home. At night. After pleasuring himself 4 times with his favorite holed-out cob, he puts on his reBOrn shirt and patiently waits outside the stadium for the following saturday. Early prediction – said moron wants Cally back after Mizzou wins by 4 TD’s. nebraska 29, VaTech 10

Smooth as Eggs – reBOrn gets derailed (NOTE: This pick is under the assumption that Sean Glennon gets left in Blacksburg or at the least, his jersey gets left behind.) VaTech 17, nebraska 11

The Right Rev – Look, Nebraska can’t run the football. And Va. Tech, however bad it’s offense is, has great athletes on D and a running qb. Running qbs and the GREAT BOLINI don’t mix. We’ve covered this. VaTech 7, Nebraska 3

Others

Friday

UConn at Louisville

Mad Handles – You pick on this one. I’ll give the edge to Louisville because it’s a home game. Louisville 14, UConn 6

Slow Jerk – Louisville has stepped up their play, but c’mon, they beat ksu. Not exactly a win to hang your hat on. UConn 32, Louisvill 28

Smooth as Eggs – Fresh off wins against crappy Big 12 teams, we have a titanic Big East clash. No, really. The Big East is a lot like a sinking ship. Except for the fact that nobody cares about the Big East. UConn 34, Louisville 31

The Right Rev – A week ago, I pick a UConn blowout, but I think the ‘Ville is getting its act together. Louisville 21, UConn 20

Saturday

North Carolina at Miami

Mad Handles – Be sure to catch the end of this one, as Butch Davis stares longingly at the Miami sideline. Miami 7, North Carolina 6

Slow Jerk – Believe it. UNC is good. UNC 17, Miami 12

Smooth as Eggs – Who longs for the other more – Butch Davis for Miami or Miami for Butch Davis? Miami 16, UNC 14

The Right Rev – Butch Davis’ squad isn’t QUITE good enough to take out his old school this year. Miami 15, North Carolina 12

Purdue at Notre Dame

Mad Handles – Indiana Bowl! Be sure to catch all the excitement! Purdue 13, Notre Dame 10

Slow Jerk – Touchdown Jesus was last seen hitching a ride to Big 12 country. Purdue 33, Notre Dame 10

Smooth as Eggs – Not even Rudy can make Notre Dame relevant. There somebody said it. Purdue 42, ND 17

The Right Rev – Purdue isn’t that good. Notre Dame is worse. Purdue 24, Notre Dame 21

Marshall at West Virginia

Mad Handles – Pity the WVU fan. Seriously. They had a dynamic offense last season, and the only thing really missing from that is Steve Slaton. He was NOT the straw that stirred the drink. This is all coaching. Marshall 14, WVU 10

Slow Jerk – We are Marshall! And, sadly, we are not very good at the game we call “football”. WVU 27, Marshall 13

Smooth as Eggs – With Bill Stewart heading up the Mountaineers, this may become a true legit rivalry again. Not good for WVU because Chad Pennington and Randy Moss aren’t thundering along with the Herd again. West Virginia 20, Marshall 6

The Right Rev – Bet Pat White is wishing he was already playing WR for some NFL team? WVU 30, Marshall 9

Michigan State at Indiana

Mad Handles – Well, the Indiana football team has players. That gives them a leg up on the Indiana basketball team. Michigan State 33, Indiana 14

Slow Jerk – Javon Ringer is a quality back. Neither team is a quality team. This is like celebrity boxing or something equally lame. MSU 17, Indiana 13

Smooth as Eggs – Javon Ringer is one bad dude. Indiana is just one bad team. Michigan State 33, Indiana 17

The Right Rev – And Javon Ringer’s bogus Hesiman campaign will get more hype. MSU 40, Indiana 10

Oregon at Wazzu

Mad Handles – Wazzu will be blinded by the “beauty” that is the Oregon uniform. Literally blinded. That’s how Oregon wins this one. Oregon 31, Wazzu 21

Slow Jerk – I know – Wazzu SUCKS. But who’s going to play QB for Oregon? Phil Knight? Michael Jordan? Tiger Woods? An 8 year old Cambodian worker? Wazzu 7, Oregon 0

Smooth as Eggs – The Ducks are on what, like their 14th quarterback this season. Luckily for Ugly Uniform U, none of them goes by Leaf. Oregon 34, Wazzu 11

The Right Rev – Oregon’s rehab facility is amazing; it has to be, with the way their QBs get injured. This week’s starter at QB: Joe Bugleplayer, first chair trumpet player in the marching band. Oregon 27, Wazzu 17

Nevada at UNLV

Mad Handles – Nevada is, um, battle tested? Beat down? Deflated? I don’t know. But they’re better than UNLV. Nevada 28, UNLV 24

Slow Jerk – I’m not sure why I’m picking this game. It’s like football purgatory. More or less. Nevada 21, UNLV 20

Smooth as Eggs – Hopefully the Wolfpack take care of business ahead of time, because it’s likely not a good idea to take a loaded pistol to Vegas. UNLV 20, Nevada 16

The Right Rev – Nevada’s Colin Kaerpernick can run, folks. Him playing in the WAC is just unfair. Nevada 38, UNLV 35

Stanford at Washington

Mad Handles – I think the final nail has long been seated in Ty’s coffin at Washington. Now it’s just silly. Stanford 17, Washington 14

Slow Jerk – I’m sorry, good readers, but this game is garbage. I’d rather read Chaucer while getting my balls hot waxed by a 500lb Samoan named “Smoothy” than watch this game. Washington 3, Stanford 0

Smooth as Eggs – Ty is still in way over his head. Stanford 20, Washington 7

The Right Rev – Remember when Willingham was the coach at Stanford? And people thought he was a good coach? Crazy. Stanford 28, Washington 24

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