Top Heavy – and we’re not talking about Tebow’s girlfriend
Everybody knows the SEC and Big 12 are very good conferences, head-and-shoulders above the likes of the ACC and Big East, comfortably better than the Pac-10 and Big MAC (that’s new, official, STQ terminology for the Big Ten. Thanks, Big Televen moniker – you’ve served us well). But this good? If college football was a well-endowed female, and said well-endowed female was the type of woman who named her breasts, the right one would be called “SEC” and the left one would be “Big 12.”
Don’t miss our weekly ranking of the 21 best teams and seven worst things in college football this week – complete with comments about each from our four resident gurus-in-their-own-minds.
Smooth as Eggs: USC just scored on Ohio State. Again.
Mad Handles: Quite simply, the team to beat. Dial up your Sleep Number and get real comfortable with seeing USC in the No. 1 slot, because the earliest that will change is after the BCS Championship Game.
Slow Jerk: Their backup QB who never started a game for them is starting for the Patriots. That should pretty much tell you about USC.
The Right Rev: I didn’t think I could fly. And then Pete Carroll told me I could. Now, both my legs are broken. But it’s my fault.
Smooth as Eggs: I’m sure by now, “Big Game Bob” has the Sooners convinced TCU was behind Granger getting hurt.
Mad Handles: Quick stat: Though there have been a few close calls, Bob Stoops is undefeated lifetime vs. Bye.
Slow Jerk: Phil Loadholt is still huge. Sam Bradford is still a good QB. Bob Stoops still can’t beat a mid-major in a bowl.
The Right Rev: Oklahoma is dynamic offensively, gang, but if DeMarcus Granger is really out for the season
Smooth as Eggs: “Comedy of errors” offense still scores 42. Forget the rams from back in the day. University of Missouri, circa 2008 = Best Show on Turf
Mad Handles: Receivers fumble three balls on what likely would have been scoring drives, give up a kick return TD, and still score 42 and win by 21? That, friends, is a dangerous team.
Slow Jerk: People point to the defense as a problem. Well, watching them play, the D has been super-aggressive. Bo Pelini is going to be sooooo confused. And I don’t just mean his face.
The Right Rev: People talk about Chase Daneil, Maclin and Chase Coffman. The guys they don’t talk about – Jared Perry, Tommy Saunders, Derrick Washington and an underrated line – are the ones that make this the most explosive offense in the country. The defense is through the snore part of its schedule and gets All-American William Moore back at full strength for Nebraska on Oct. 4. Watch out.
Smooth as Eggs:What happened to Urban Meyer. Wasn’t he supposed to be an offensive genius?
Mad Handles: The offense gets all of the accolades, but let’s give it up for the Gator defense this week. They forced three turnovers, two in the red zone, that dashed any hope Tennessee might have had.
Slow Jerk: This team bores me. Tebow needs to stop saving Ugandan familes from rebels and start impressing me on offense.
The Right Rev: The Gators are playing some D now, but the offense is underachieving. Tebow and co. better step it up if they want to beat UGA.
Smooth as Eggs:So you beat a team that lost to UNLV, and we’re now supposed to be impressed. Maybe if Stafford stopped wanting to fork backup quarterbacks, I’d be impressed.
Mad Handles: A tip of the hat to Georgia. I picked ASU to pull the upset. Nice to see that Richt’s bitching got Knowshon’s latest leap to the endzone featured on SportsCenter. Maybe Gary Pinkel needs to throw a fit – Chase Coffman does this EVERY WEEK!
Slow Jerk: Knowshon Moreno is a fantastic RB. Matthew Stafford is the next Ryan Leaf.
The Right Rev: I’m starting to believe that Matt Stafford isn’t the most overrated QB in America, but I’m also starting to see cracks in that Georiga defense. Rudy Carpenter was able to make some plays in the passing game despite a nonexistant run game. Carpenter even got outside the pocket a little. That tells me Georgia’s pass rush isn’t that great, and it’s secondary isn’t, either. Won’t be a problem in the SEC, though… at least not until they play Florida.
Smooth as Eggs:Even with a concussion, Andrew Hatch is the smartest kid in the SEC outside of Nashville.
Mad Handles: Made that game at Auburn look a little closer than it needed to, but still came out with a win at Auburn for the first time since 1998. I guess that’s something.
Slow Jerk: I’m not sure how I feel about this team. They are slowly creeping up in the SEC. Like Matthew Stafford to a male teammate.
The Right Rev: They won at Auburn, which is impressive, even if the Tigers were crazy overrated. But with those QBs… they aren’t going to be defending their title.
Smooth as Eggs:Hey Petrino, I heard Bevo has been sharpening the horns this week. Watch out, you dirty sleaze.
Mad Handles: Headline: McCoy Heats Up, Steams Rice!
Slow Jerk: Colt McCoy is better than Todd Reesing . But normal people knew that already.
The Right Rev: Texas is to Arkansas as Gustav is to Houston.
Smooth as Eggs:I’m pretty sure after that destruction of Wyoming, a few of those Cowboys are now Cowgirls.
Mad Handles: Back to back shutouts. Brigham Young hasn’t seen defense like this since the Utah War.
Slow Jerk: Man, I couldn’t handle more than one wife.
The Right Rev: The Fighting Mormons are riding high and look like the best bet for a BCS buster. They will falter, however, when their first wives begin complaining that wives Nos. 2 and 3 are getting too much attention.
9. Penn State
Smooth as Eggs:Did Paterno forget that football is played outdoors? Or was it naptime after the half?
Mad Handles: JoePa doesn’t need to earn your respect. Up 31-0 at the half? Damn right he’s going to rest his weary legs in the press box the rest of the way. Who needs a coach vs. Temple, anyway?
Slow Jerk: These guys are going to win the Big 10. Joe Paterno will hold a “sock hop” in celebration and invite Frankie Lymon & the Teenagers to entertain the team and have President Abe Lincoln give a keynote.
The Right Rev: Penn State is cocky coming into its game against Illinois – why shouldn’t they be? They’ve demolished everyone they’ve played, and the game is at home. Here are a few reasons: Illinois has experience this season in a big game (something PSU’s new QB supreme lacks) and Juice Williams can present problems for PSU’s slow LB corps, which could open up the deep ball. If Juice’s downfield accuracy is there, this could be an upset special.
Smooth as Eggs:Nick Saban – slimeball. Bobby Petrino – slimeball. Saban – really good coach. Petrino – slimeball. Alabama 49. Arkansas 14. Any questions?
Mad Handles: I’m still waiting for the Tide to be tested. Clemson? Doesn’t count. Georgia looms on the schedule.
Slow Jerk: Nick Saban uses the tears of abused walk-ons to grease up his hair.
The Right Rev: Crushing Arkansas does not make Bama a national title contender.
Smooth as Eggs:Is one bye week enough time to implement an actual offense?
Mad Handles: I love bye week on the Wisconsin schedule. It makes for much more interesting football.
Slow Jerk: Here’s what the difference is between the Big 10 and Big 12. Allen Everidge would never throw for over 130 yards in the Big 12. In the Big 10? He’s their Heisman.
The Right Rev: Will someone PLEASE expose this team? Thank you.
12. South Florida
Smooth as Eggs:Are the Bulls eyeing a move to the SEC? I mean South Florida has perfected winning ugly twice in the past three weeks.
Mad Handles: A win is a win, but kansas, the team you beat last week, dropped 40 on FIU. What gives?
Slow Jerk: George Selvie is having regular relations with Todd Reesing’s mother.
The Right Rev: Seems high, right? But what Big East team is going to beat them?
13. Texas Tech
Smooth as Eggs:UMass coach Don Brown called the Red Raiders the “best 1A football team I’ve been around.” Brown, obviously, hasn’t ever watched big boy football.
Mad Handles: Fifty is the new 20 for Tech. Seriously. But that defense is looking good against the likes of UMass, isn’t it?
Slow Jerk: I still don’t buy them as a contender.
The Right Rev: The Red Raiders are hiding until conference play starts, but unfortunately for them, at some point the hiding will end.
14. Ohio State
Smooth as Eggs:Terrelle Pryor is The Truth. And yes, Todd Boeckman is still a fraud of a quarterback.
Mad Handles: Two words: Terrelle Pryor. How lucky is it for OSU that Pryor didn’t sieze the opportunity to truly shine in RichRod’s offense at Michigan?
Slow Jerk: Would we think Pryor was that good if he wasn’t being compared to the waste of helmet that is Todd Boeckman?
The Right Rev: Good news for OSU fans: Jim Tressel finally recruited and landed a truly elite QB; Bad news: He’s only a freshman.
Smooth as Eggs:Seriously, the Mountain West deserves a BCS spot as much as the Big 10, Big East and ACC.
Mad Handles: When you trail a service academy at the half, it’s time to make some changes.
Slow Jerk: Two MWC teams in the top 15. One from the Big East.
The Right Rev: Utah’s spread has survived in the post-Urban Meyer era thanks to superb QB play from Right Reb bromance partner Johnson; if you’re a team looking for an at-large BCS bid, you had better hope Utah can beat BYU.
16. Wake Forest
Smooth as Eggs:Even a shoddy game from Sam Shank couldn’t prevent Wake from continuing to prove its the best the ACC has to offer.
Mad Handles: If you like field goals, this is the team for you.
Slow Jerk: This just in – Tim Duncan is going to give the team a pep talk. Prediction – the team all falls asleep.
The Right Rev:
17. Boise State
Smooth as Eggs:And this bunch of Broncos didn’t even need the hook and ladder, Statue of Liberty or postgame proposal to get noticed.
Mad Handles: Ok, is it time to start taking Boise State seriously again? Cause if it is, I’m watching their home games on my black and white TV.
Slow Jerk: Oklahoma better hope they don’t get to a BCS game.
The Right Rev: With Kellen Moore playing well, Boise is a dangerous team. Too bad it still is more dangerous to watch them play a home game on TV. Aggh. The blue is so… blinding!
Smooth as Eggs:Did the Illini spend the bye week removing Juice Williams as the QB? If they hope to beat Penn State, they better have.
Mad Handles: This is a mercy ranking. It’s going to get ugly for Juice and the fighting Zookers next week.
Slow Jerk: This is the last time you will see this team in our dean’s list.
The Right Rev: Call me the voice of dissent. I think Juice will give Penn State some problems, and their DL is getting healthy and getting its impressive young DTs experience.
Smooth as Eggs:The Bulldogs barely lose to Wisconsin and then barely win at Toledo. Moral of the story there isn’t much difference in the Big MAC and the plain jane MAC.
Mad Handles: Hey, when did Fresno turn into Texas Tech?
Slow Jerk: I’m disappointed at this team.
The Right Rev: Further proof that Wisconsin isn’t that good.
Smooth as Eggs:No, you read that right. The SEC’s red headed step sister really is 4-0.
Mad Handles: Hey, they’re in the SEC AND undefeated, according to the press that should make Vandy a top 5 team, right?
Slow Jerk: Best team in the SEC, yo!
The Right Rev: Vandy better enjoy its stay in the top 25. It won’t last long.
Smooth as Eggs:What do you know? An offense. Amazing discovery on The Plains. Next up: hurdling defenders.
Mad Handles: This team was in the top 10 last week? For shame, coaches and writers. For shame.
Slow Jerk: I honestly have nothing to say about this team. I hate them.
The Right Rev: Don’t be fooled by the numbers: Remember that Auburn scored a TD on an INT return. 14 is better than 3, folks, but it isn’t good enough to win consistently.
OK, so we have some recurring themes here, but there comes a point where a horse (Bill Stewart, kansas) just needs to be beaten like a red-headed step child. We’ve included new stuff, too, we promise. Just missing the Paddle Line cut: whiny message board posters who take themselves WAY too seriously.
1. Leon Patton
Smooth as Eggs:We here at Streaking the Quad like to joke around. However, child abuse is no laughing matter, and Patton should be hammered by the judicial system for “feloniously and intentionally” shaking a two
month old, according to the arrest warrant. Props to Scary Smart for kicking Patton to the curb.
Dispicable. Worthless human being. This is Ron Prince’s fault. Patton learned it by observing Scary Smart’s treatment of former assistants and equipment managers. You need to set a better example, Ron.
Slow Jerk: Well, if you play for ksu, really the only thing you can beat are children.
The Right Rev: It’s rare that a player can make Lawrence Phillips seem not so bad.
2. East Carolina
Smooth as Eggs:Thank you Skip for reminding us all that you truly are Lou Holtz’s offspring. Now that you’ve proven you’re not that great of a coach, too, what’s next? Senility or sounding like Sylvester the Cat?
Mad Handles: Plays well in the spoiler role. Looks shaky as expectations build. Completely folds as a heavy favorite. Hmmm. Yep, you got yourself a Holtz there, ECU.
Slow Jerk: This is what hype can do for you. Up next: Dr. Lou prescribes some asinine advice to his son and then starts drooling about Notre Dame.
The Right Rev: That’s what you get, folks, for trusting a Holtz. Don’t feel bad, the Rev got burned, too.
3. Florida State’s offense
Smooth as Eggs:Move over Palmeiro and Ditka, make room for Florida State’s offense. The Seminoles are the very definition of impotent.
Mad Handles: Soooo… how much does it cost you to cut ties with both Bowden AND Jimbo, again?
Slow Jerk: Quick! Someone call Peter Warrick – we needs us some free shoes!
The Right Rev: A lot of people are blaming Jimbo Fisher. But it isn’t Fisher’s fault FSU failed to recruit a solid QB in the years before he got there.
4. NFL retreads as college coaches
Smooth as Eggs:It’s been proven that college coaches should stay put (yep, that includes you Saban). But colleges should also stay away from pro coaches (sorry, there is only one Pete Carroll). Mike Sherman has aTm lusting for Fran. Charlie Weis looks like just another fat dude with a bad wheel without Tom Brady running the O. Bobby Petrino, OK, so he’s actually a college coach. But he deserves all the whippings he can get.
Mad Handles: Mike Sherman. LMFAO! Hey, hoss, how’s that recruitin’ goin’ fer ya?
Slow Jerk: There are no good college coaches that used to be in the NFL. None. I don’t count Pete Carroll because i don’t think that is the real Pete Carroll. Because a mature adult would never use the word “dude” as much as he does. I bet you he gets all Eustachy at parties.
The Right Rev: This was a Quin Snyder level hire by aTm. That isn’t a good thing.
5. Bill Stewart
Smooth as Eggs:I don’t want to keep droning on about how horrible of a hire West Virginia made when they handed the reins over to Stewart, but it is such a disaster, not even RichRod can bear to watch it and after seeing the Wolverines attempting to run the spread, he’s an expert on disasters.
Mad Handles: WVU fans, direct your anger at Bob Stoops. Dude lays eggs in BCS bowl games, but it happened at the wrong time against your beloved ‘eers. It made your AD believe that Stewart could actually coach football. It’s an easy trap to fall into. WVU was so dynamic on offense a year ago. I don’t even have a joke… this is just sad.
Slow Jerk: This proves there is only so much that an athelete can do for a team. At some point, the coach should learn about football. This is the only professional football coach who I think I could beat at Madden.
The Right Rev: I could beat a lot of coaches at madden. But I’d bury Bill Stewart – especially if he had to run a two-minute drill (hard to do that when you can’t throw the ball, eh, Bill?)
Smooth as Eggs:I wonder how rapist running back Filthy Frenchman Crawford likes being treated forcibly. The guarantee of 2,000 yards only 1,893 yards away. Apparently, things are more difficult when facing something stronger than a 14-year-old girl.
Mad Handles: Well hey, you can run the ball against Sam Houston State. You got that going for you. You… you… you’re doin’ ok, right? Yeah. You’re doin’ ok.
Slow Jerk: “hi, my name is jagoff j. kansasfan. what’s wrong with my team? weren’t we the best team in creation last year? lew perkins, have you stopped paying people off? enough talking, I have to go pleasure myself with baby oil while watching joe mortenson be an average linebacker.”
The Right Rev: Different week, same story: Still can’t run offensively. Still too reliant on Reesing to run around and make plays. Still not that good on D.
Smooth as Eggs:With all due respects to Professor Handles, Fat Phil wasn’t even playing checkers Saturday. Heck, I think Go Fish would be too complicated if the cards had “Gators” written on them. All this begs the question, is it still a rivalry if the games are never competitive?
Mad Handles: Fat Fullmer, the game has passed you by like so many loops on your belt.
Slow Jerk: Is it too late to declare D-1AA status?
The Right Rev: I’m kind of glad Tennessee is struggling – that gives us a coaching situation to speculate about all season. Fun stuff, man.