STQ Week 4 Pop Quiz

It all looks so easy. Pick a score – and really, any score will do – make a few jokes and the rest they say is history. Hell, who am I kidding, it really is that easy. If you don’t believe me, try it for yourself. Click on the comments and take your shot at besting the professors, after all we never said we were no stinking geniuses.

Week 4 standings (through Thursday night’s West Virginia-Colorado game)

Slow Jerk – 75 -18 (16-8 last week, 1-1 this week)

Smooth as Eggs – 75-18 (18-6 last week, 1-1 this week)

The Right Rev – 73-20 (17-7 last week, 0-2 this week)

Mad Handles – 73-20 (19-5 last week, 1-1 this week)

Handles

Jerk

Eggs

Rev

Troy at (13) tOSU

tOSU 31-24

tOSU 28-10

tOSU 12-10

tOSU 31-10

(15) ECU at NC State

ECU 28-14

ESU 31-3

ECU 34-6

ECU 28-13

Temple at (16) Penn St

PSU44-10

PSU 41-7

PSU 56-12

PSU 46-9

(9) Bama at Arky

Bama 28-6

Bama 30-17

Bama 37-7

Bama 27-7

SC St. at (23) Clemson

Clem 42-0

Clem 19-7

Clem 40-2

Clem 42-10

Buffalo at (5) Missouri

MU 52-6

MU 71-10

MU 69-9

MU 69-14

Wyoming at (14) BYU

BYU 48-0

BYU 33-17

BYU 49-8

BYU 38-10

(4) Florida at Tenn

UF 35-24

UF 21-17

UF 35-17

UF 52-17

Boise at (17) Oregon

UO 38-31

UO 31-17

Boise 38-31

UO 35-24

(20) Utah at Air Force

Utah 38-17

Utah 30-12

Utah 33-22

Utah 41-30

(12) USF at FIU

USF 48-8

USF 41-17

USF 40-12

USF 49-14

Rice at (7) Texas

Texas 57-0

UT 40-3

Texas 60-7

Texas 54-17

UMass at (11) TexTech

Tech 42-24

Tech 49-10

Tech 52-16

Tech 66-20

(18) Wake at (24) FSU

FSU 17-14

FSU 18-17

Wake 27-20

Wake 20-19

SH St at (19) kansAss

kansas 55-3

SH State 5-2

SH State 3-2

kansas 1-0

(6) LSU at (10) Auburn

LSU 38-3

Auburn 14-12

LSU 10-3

LSU 24-3

(3) UGA at Arizona St

ASU24-14

ASU 25-17

UGA 17-13

UGA 3-2

(25) Fresno at Toledo

Fresno 28-13

Fresno 13-10

Fresno 24-12

Fresno 40-10

Baylor at UConn

Baylor 45-17

UConn 33-23

Baylor 27-20

UConn 17-14

Miami at aTm

Miami 13-10

Miami 17-13

Miami 10-3

Miami 20-3

Iowa St at UNLV

UNLV 13-7

Iowa St 7-6

UNLV 20-13

UNLV 20-10

Miss State at GaTech

GT 21-6

GT 9-4

GT 21-2

GT 7-3

VaTech at UNC

UNC 31-20

UNC 40-14

VT 16-14

UNC 21-17

Iowa at Pitt

Iowa 28-27

Pitt 21-15

Iowa 7-6

Iowa 3-2

ND at Michigan St

ND 35-10

MSU 30-18

ND 20-6

MSU 40-27

Arizona at UCLA

Ariz 24-14

Ariz 66-0

Ariz 30-27

Ariz 33-13

Vandy at Ole Miss

Miss 24-21

Vandy 23-20

Vandy 17-14

Miss 38-35

Full-blown analysis after the jump

Top 25

Saturday

Troy at (13) Ohio State

Mad Handles – This one is cake, but the only way Ohio State’s stock could fall faster would be if it were listed in the financial sector of the NYSE. Ohio State 31, Troy 24

Slow Jerk – If Beanie Wells plays, they’ll score 35. If not, Todd Boeckman will embarrass the position of QB. Ohio State 28, Troy 10

Smooth as Eggs – Tempting. Troy isn’t afraid to play anybody and Ohio State (not worth a nickname anymore now that they are completely irrelevant) just sucks. Still, the Buckeyes find a way to win — probably by proving more Pryor and less Boeckman. That is, unless Ohio State is just afraid of Trojans. Ohio State 12, Troy 10

The Right Rev – SecondStateU was exposed as the pretender it is last week but will bounce back this week. Was anyone else hoping the Trojan would do the sword thrust thing in Tressel’s chest? Why did everyone just stop talking? SecondStateU 31, Troy 10

(15) East Carolina at NC State

Mad Handles – Skip tried to screw me for picking ECU last week, but even a Holtz can’t lose this one. ECU 28, NC State 14

Slow Jerk – When will the Pirateapoolaza end? Well, soon, but not against the worst team in the ACC. ECU 31, NC State 3

Smooth as Eggs – East Carolina looked more like a Holtz-coached team in struggling with Tulane. NC State is worse than Tulane. ECU 34, NC State 6

The Right Rev – NC State is bad. Not as bad as Harrison Beck, but bad. East Carolina, shockingly, is better at football than Grandpa Holtz is at slobbering. ECU 28, NC State 13

Temple at (16) Penn State

Mad Handles Poor JoePa. He was confused when he scheduled this game. He thought he was updating his year-long planner to include attending worship services with his Jewish friends.

Slow Jerk – What was the name of that turtle-looking basketball coach for Temple? That guy was UGLY. So is the Temple football program. Penn State 41, Temple 7

Smooth as Eggs – Penn State gears up for the Little 11 with an equally-challenging game. Penn State 56, Temple 12

The Right Rev – Temple lost to Buffalo last week. Penn State is the best team in the Big Televen. Yeah, that doesn’t mean as much as it did when Ki-Jana Carter was the shizz, but still… Penn State 46, Temple 9

(9) Alabama at Arkansas

Mad Handles – Well, the Crimson Tide packs considerably less punch than a hurricane, but Arkansas won’t know the difference. Alabama 28, Arkansas 6

Slow Jerk – Alabama should not be in the top ten. Arkansas should not be on a football field. Bama 30, Arky 17

Smooth as Eggs – The Tide are overrated, but Arkansas is possibly the worst team in the major conferences (Big 12 and SEC). That couldn’t happen to a better guy either. Alabama 37, Arkansas 7

The Right Rev – I’m still vomiting at the thought Alabama is in the top ten. Alabama 27, Arkansas 7

South Carolina State at (23) Clemson

Mad Handles – This is pretty simple for SC State: Go in, lay down, collect fat check, catch bus home. Yeah. It’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Clemson 42, S. Carolina State 0

Slow Jerk – Wasn’t Clemson some kind of media darling a few weeks ago? Now they are as forgotten as Kelly Ripa’s diaphram. Clemson 19, SC State 7

Smooth as Eggs – I wonder if Papa Bowden and Nick Satan were able to help Tommy learn how to coach after those phone calls last month. Clemson 40, S.C. State 2

The Right Rev – So, UGA fans, what does it mean when Clemson blows out the team that limited you to… wait a second. Never mind… Clemson 42, South Carolina State 10

Buffalo at (5) Missouri

Mad Handles – Buffalo Bulls? Shoot, they better send the Buffalo Bills if they want to have a chance at The Zou! Missouri 52, Buffalo 6

Slow Jerk – EA Sports is going to sue the Mizzou offense for stealing their video gameplay. Missouri 71, Buffalo 10

Smooth as Eggs – 69 is the new 52, which was the new 41. Nothing can slow this offense down, and Turner Gill suffers nightmares of what Nebraska used to do to people. Missouri 69, Buffalo 9

The Right Rev – Missouri is so good. How good are they? Chase Daniel will close the noncon with another huge, Heisman-attention grabbing game… and probably not play more than a half. Missouri 69, Buffalo 14

Wyoming at (14) BYU

Mad Handles – This game screams RATINGS GOLD! BYU 48, Wyoming 0

Slow Jerk – I doubted the Mormons last time. This time – Martin Luther himself will score a TD. Rick Neiheiusel converts to Snake-Handling. BYU 33, Wyoming 17

Smooth as Eggs – So, I convinced a couple of Mormon missionaries a year or so ago to leave me a copy of The Book of Mormon by promising to read it. Still haven’t. Maybe Wyoming should. It couldn’t hurt. BYU 49, Wyoming 8

The Right Rev – Admit it, Max Young: Rick Neuheisel dropped $10k betting on you to win the Heisman, didn’t he? BYU 38, Wyoming 10

(4) Florida at Tennessee

Mad Handles – Those famous checkerboard end zones at Tennessee tell an inconvenient truth about Phil Fulmer’s approach to football. He plays checkers. Urban Meyer plays chess. Florida 35, Tennessee 24

Slow Jerk – In the span of four quarters Tim Tebow throws for two TD’s, has sex with that big tittied chick he’s seeing, asks God for forgiveness for the fornication, and circumsizes 12 Ugandan boys. Damn, the spread offense is getting REALLY complicated these days. Florida 21, Tenn 17

Smooth as Eggs – So much for the Fat Fulmers being a sleeper in the SEC. BYU’s dismantling of UCLA kind of proved that, right? If not, the fighting Tebows take care of it now. Florida 35, Tennessee 17

The Right Rev – Peyton Manning isn’t walking through that door, folks. Not that it would do much good. Hell, even Tee Martin walking through that door wouldn’t do much good. Florida 52, Tennessee 17

Boise State at (17) Oregon

Mad Handles – Mercifully, this game is being played at Oregon. If it were at Boise St., I’d spend the whole game trying to decide which is worse, the hideous blue turf, or the awful Oregon uniforms. That’s no way to enjoy football. (You get it, right? We hate those Oregon unis. These jokes will continue all season long, people.) Oregon 38, Boise State 31

Slow Jerk – The green of the field and the Oregon uniforms blinds the Boise Staters. If it were at Boise, your TV’s color would never be the same. Oregon 31, Boise State 17

Smooth as Eggs – Too bad this isn’t in Boise. Can you imagine Oregon’s unis on the smurf turf. Televisions would never be the same. Boise State 38, Oregon 31

The Right Rev – Oregon protects its QBs about as well as Richard Gere protects his women from Bruce Willis in “The Jackal,” but the Ducks still have the talent to put away Boise. Oregon 35, Boise State 24

(20) Utah at Air Force

Mad Handles – Air Force excels with a ground attack and looks rather anemic through the air. Isn’t this a national security violation? Utah 38, Air Force 17

Slow Jerk – Aren’t all the good airmen, you know, serving the country? Utah 30, Air Force 12

Smooth as Eggs – A battle for Mountain West supremacy (full disclosure that TCU and BYU are also in that mix). Before you laugh, the Mountain West is easily better than the Big Mac, Big East, ACC and Pac-9 (USC should secede from the conference). Utah 33, Air Force 22

The Right Rev – The Rev’s man crush rolls on. Utah 41, Air Force 30

(12) South Florida at FIU

Mad Handles – No funny quip on this one. I just want to thank Jim Leavitt and the USF Bulls for exposing kU last weekend. Bravo, guys. Bravo! South Florida 48, FIU 8

Slow Jerk – George Selvie will leave at half, fly to kansas, and hit Todd Reesing again. USF 41, FIU 17

Smooth as Eggs – So, if you believe everything you read in the Daily Kansan, South Florida’s fans aren’t the most hospitable hosts. Something tells me FIU followers aren’t whiny bitches, though. USF 40, FIU 12

The Right Rev – USF escapes unscathed, as long as FIU doesn’t start a fight… USF 49, FIU 14

Rice at (7) Texas

Mad Handles – I think at this point a box of rice would offer a better test for the Longhorns. Texas 57, Rice 0

Slow Jerk – Another cupcake, another week of thinking Colt McCoy is good. Texas 40, Rice 3

Smooth as Eggs – Has Texas learned the kansAss schedule? Texas 60, Rice 7

The Right Rev – Make sure you have a blanket handy for this snore-fest. Texas 54, Rice 17

UMass at (11) Texas Tech

Mad Handles – Any Pixies fans out there? UMass is heading to Lubbock. If redneckers truly get ’em pissed, now’d be the time to harness that rage and put it to work. Tech 42, UMass 24

Slow Jerk – I honestly didn’t know UMass played football. Whatever happened to Lou Roe? That kid could BALL. Tech 49, UMass 10

Smooth as Eggs – UMass plays football? Seriously, who knew all these schools up in the Northeast even knew what a football was. Tech 52, UMass 16

The Right Rev – UMass plays football? Just what Tech needs to get its offense untracked. Tech 66, UMass 20

(18) Wake Forest at (24) Florida State

Mad Handles – Yeah, Wake has handled FSU lately. But Jimbo’s gonna have something to say about that this week. FSU 17, Wake 14

Slow Jerk – The Criminoles pull off the slight upset, thus making people believe they are a good team. Good is relative when you’re in the ACC. FSU 18, Wake 17

Smooth as Eggs – This isn’t Western Carolina or Chattanooga. Wake 27, FSU 20

The Right Rev – Hard to believe this is a game between two ranked teams, huh? Got Grobe? Wake 20, Florida State 19

Sam Houston State at (19) kansAss

Mad Handles – Seriously, kansas? Why not just put University of Phoenix on the schedule? kansas 55, Sam Houston State 3

Slow Jerk – Todd Reesing drank too much during the week, rueing his INT to lose the game. Because of this, kansas still sucks ass. Sam Houston State 5, ku 2

Smooth as Eggs – There’s something about a school that refuses to conform. Go Bearkats. SH State 3, kansAss 2 (hey, SEC schools do it)

The Right Rev – Hard to say who’s dirtier, Rhett Bomar or ku athletics. ku’s team is better than Bomar, though. ku 1, Sam Houston St. 0

(6) LSU at (10) Auburn

Mad Handles – Three gets you the win over a Mississippi St., Auburn. It doesn’t work on teams like LSU, though. LSU 38, Auburn 3

Slow Jerk – I think Auburn will win. They have to have some points in the bank from last week, right? Auburn 14, LSU 12

Smooth as Eggs – Speaking of offensively-challenged SEC schools. It won’t work two weeks in a row Auburn. LSU 10, Auburn 3

The Right Rev – Auburn being in the Top 10 after scoring a pathetic three points against MISSISSIPPI STATE is a joke. even more of a joke than Bama in the top 10. LSU 24, Auburn 3

(3) Georgia at Arizona State

Mad Handles – Vegas should really take action on when Stafford will actually throw another TD pass. Arizona State 24, Georgia 14

Slow Jerk – Will the Dawgs just effing lose already? Knowshon will try to hurdle someone, but Erickson has installed pointy tips on their helmets, so he’ll slice his unusally small coin purse. ASU 25, UGA 17

Smooth as Eggs – Maybe Georgia throws a team party in the end zone after the first score again. Or maybe the Dawgs break out the black unis. Surely, Georgia was just flat last week in the SEC opener against a rival. How else does one explain such a shitty offensive performance. That’s right, it’s because Matthew Stafford is a 5-star manspooner and a no-star QB. Offensively-Challenged ManSpooning CrimeDawgs 17, Arizona State 13

The Right Rev – This game looked intriguing until Arizona State choked against UNLV. Of course, that would make an upset even more hilarious… UGA 3, Arizona State 2

(25) Fresno State at Toledo

Mad Handles – Rockets are tough at home, but Fresno has proven it’s mettle this season. Frezzie State 28, Toledo 13

Slow Jerk – I’m disappointed at the fighting Pat Hills. He shaves his mustache to rally troops.  Fresno 13, Toledo 10

Smooth as Eggs – Fresno may not be able to defeat the boring Big MAC, but the boring Easy MAC. Right in the Bulldogs’ wheelhouse. Fresno 24, Toledo 12

The Right Rev – The Bulldogs’ BCS hopes are finished. They’ll bounce back by crushing Toledo. Fresno 40, Toledo 10

Big 12

Friday

Baylor at UConn

Mad Handles – The Bears roll an other non conference opponent. Now, if they could somehow avoid that pesky Big 12 schedule… Baylor 45, UConn 17

Slow Jerk – Baylor’s QB is FAST. But UCONN is not Wazzu. Khalid Al-Amin will be on the sidelines, but as a ball boy. He’s gotta support his 34 kids somehow. UConn 33, Baylor 23

Smooth as Eggs – Baylor still can’t beat off. Of course, off is better than the Big East. Baylor 27, UConn 20

The Right Rev – Robert Griffin is an amazing athlete, but you need more than a dynamic QB to win on the road. UConn 17, Baylor 14

Saturday

Miami at aTm

Mad Handles – Is it too late for aTm to change its mind about Franchione? Miami 13, aTm 10

Slow Jerk – The Yell Leaders at aTm get beat up by the ‘cane cheerleaders. The girls. Miami 17, aTm 13

Smooth as Eggs – Once upon a time, this would have been the game of the week. Now, Shannon’s rebuilding job is a year ahead of whatever you call what Sherman is doing in Aggieland. Miami 10, aTm 3

The Right Rev – Miami made Florida’s offense look bad. What will it do to an offense piloted by Stephen “I can’t throw” McGee and Mike “The Game Has Passed this Cranky Old Man By” Sherman? Miami 20, aTm 3

Iowa State at UNLV

Mad Handles – Quick, someone tell Chizik which place on the strip has the best drink specials. UNLV 13, Iowa State 7

Slow Jerk – UNLV beat their one BCS conference school last week. ISU 7, UNLV 6

Smooth as Eggs – Consider this Iowa State’s bowl game. Because, it’s not like the Cyclones will actually get a real one. UNLV 20, Iowa State 13

The Right Rev – The Rebs knocked off Arizona State last week. They should handle the Cyclones unless, of course, a letdown should happen. UNLV 20, Iowa State 10

OTHER

Saturday

Mississippi State at Georgia Tech

Mad Handles – The triple option is good for three TDs in this one. GaTech 21, Mississippi State 6

Slow Jerk – Sylvester Croom deserves better. GaTech 9, Mississippi State 4

Smooth as Eggs – Triple option football can actually score touchdowns. I’ve seen it. Can’t say the same about the SEC. GaTech 21, Mississippi State 2

The Right Rev – The one should be nice and ugly. Good time to take a nap. GaTech 7, Mississippi State 3

Virginia Tech at North Carolina

Mad Handles – The Tar Heels haven’t been this much fun to watch since the Julius Peppers era. North Carolina 31, VaTech 20

Slow Jerk – The Slow Jerk did predict UNC to be pretty good – and Sean Glennon is a terrible football player. UNC 40, VaTech 14

Smooth as Eggs – Will the Hokies rely on Tyrod Taylor or Sean Glennon? I’m guessing Beamer is learning. VaTech 16, UNC 14

The Right Rev – Just because UNC crushed Rutgers doesn’t mean UNC is good. But they probably pull off the home win. North Carolina 21, VaTech 17

Iowa at Pitt

Mad Handles – The Kirk Ferentz image rehabilitation tour stumbles a bit, but moves along unscathed in the end. Iowa 28, Pitt 27

Slow Jerk – Pitt finally wins one. I hate this game. Pitt 21, Iowa 15

Smooth as Eggs – I’m calling this the Slow Jerk Game of the Week and advising all STQ readers to NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THIS GAME. Iowa 7, Pitt 6

The Right Rev – Another boring defensive struggle.  Iowa 3, Pitt 2

Notre Dame at Michigan State

Mad Handles – The Spartans could only muster 17 against FAU. FAU! Notre Dame recently moved above FAU in terms of standing in the college football world, and they’ll make it a perfect sweep against the only two teams from Michigan that matter. Notre Dame 35, Mich. State 10

Slow Jerk – Charlie Weis with a broken wheel is faster than the SEC. Michigan State 30, ND 18

Smooth as Eggs – Notre Dame proves that even shitty teams can contend in the Big Mac. ND 20, Michigan State 6

The Right Rev – Notre Dame will sweep the state about as successfully as that Bobby kid swept the leg in Karate Kid.  Michigan State 40, Notre Dame 27

Arizona at UCLA

Mad Handles – Quick question: if fans from neither school care, then why should I? Arizona 24, UCLA 14

Slow Jerk – That’s what you get for beating us, Tyus Edny. Burn in hell. Zona 66, UCLA 0

Smooth as Eggs – This is where I’d originally made a crack about Neuheisel’s betting. Instead, though, all I’m going to say is, We’re all virgins. Arizona 30, UCLA 27

The Right Rev – Wow, UCLA. Just wow. Hope you enjoyed that brief period in the sun. Arizona 33, UCLA 13

Vanderbilt at Ole Miss

Mad Handles – Its in Oxford. These teams are so similar, something small is going to be the difference. The fine looking southern belles in the sun dresses roaming the grove ought to be enough to distract Vandy. Ole Mess 24, Vandy 21

Slow Jerk – I don’t have anything bad to say – this could be a fun day. The girls at Ole Miss are hot. Vandy 23, Ole Miss 20

Smooth as Eggs – More exciting SEC football. Smart guys against the Wild Rebel. Expect an offensive explosion — at least by SEC standards. Vandy 17, Ole Miss 14

The Right Rev – Vandy is on the verge of being ranked as it heads to the Grove. Those rankings hopes will vanish after Jevan Snead works his magic. Ole Miss 38, Vanderbilt 35

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