Your Weekly Review Guide

It’s that time again, kids.  Today we’ll look back at the week that was in College Football.  Check back later in the week for the Weekly Study Tips for the upcoming weekend.  Before we delve into today’s reading, I have a quick article to bring to your attention.  This will not be on the test, but it will provide you with everything you need to get yourself into the football mindset.

Amazing story from LJWorld.com

Now, we don’t want this blog to become a “bash-ku-only” blog, but c’mon.  You don’t even know who your QB is?  It isn’t like this is the seventh-string walk-on punter.  It is your nationally regarded QB.  I don’t even know what to say about this, other than you will never find that kind of hackish journalism here at STQ.  Not one among us is a cage fighter.   I’d be able to pick out ol’ Todd a mile away – I’d just look for the half-assed beard and the smell of Natural Light.

With that – Professor Slow Jerk drops the knowledge after the jump…

1.  I hate you, You hate me, We both suck

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Michigan/Ohio State.  Storied rivalry.  Storied programs.  When these two teams collide, it is usually a national attraction.  It’s usually The Dark Knight.  People are crazed about it.  This year?  It’s more Bangkok Dangerous – plenty of action but none of it worth a damn.  Michigan got absolutely THUMPED by an average Notre Dame team.  Ohio State was beat by a very good USC team, but the Buckeyes looked more like their in-state counterpart down in Athens.  The Big 10 is NOT a good conference this year.  Iowa is 3-0?  Iowa?  Wisconsin has been sometimes impressive, sometimes MTV Video Awards boring.  Penn State has played three teams that if they took their best players and pooled them into one super-team, they’d still not be good enough to win the ACC.  What’s the point?  Well, it seems that unless Ohio State benches Boeckman and gets Beanie back, and Michigan can re-learn the game of football, all eyes will be on Camp Randall Stadium.

2.  Better Than Two Cowboys Making Out

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The Mountain West Conference has a 5-0 record this season against the Pac-10.  Did I mention that the Pac-10 is a BCS conference and the MWC is not?  Did I mention that one of those games was BYU’s excommunication of UCLA?  Is this conference legit?  Well, BYU and Utah are both ranked in the top 25, and TCU and Air Force are both undefeated.  UNLV beat Arizona State.  UNL-effing-V, man.  I’ll throw this debate out there – at what point does the MWC get a legitimate look as being a BCS conference?  With the mediocrity we are seeing out of the Big East, ACC, and Big 10 – what makes the MWC less of a conference?  Does Kyle Whittingham have to wear a red sweatervest to get your attention?

3.  I Can See the Future, Who Cares About the Past

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Now, it’s early.  We’re still in the cupcake portion of our meal.  That said, the BCS Championship Game already seems to be appearing to us as clear as can be.  USC vs. the winner of OU/Mizzou.  Georgia?  Schedule’s too tough, and Matthew Stafford is not a smart QB.  LSU?  Nope – ol’ Les will drop a game or two.  Florida?  Nah.  Ohio State?  Next.  USC is going to roll through the Pac-10.  If the MWC can do it, it’ll be as easy as beating Ohio State for the Trojans.  OU is TOUGH.  Sam “Half-Eyes” Bradford is a really, really good QB, and he has a beastly offensive line protecting him.  And did you see their D against Washington?  As for Mizzou, well, they just are not going to be stopped on offense.  A defense that only gives up 400 yards to them should feel accomplished.   They beat Nevada, a bowl team from last year, like they were Ohio State (that just never gets old….).  The way this past weekend went – these are the three most dominant teams with the staying power to do it all.  I’d throw BYU in as a buster, but they won’t run the MWC.  And as we learned from the Mississippi State/Auburn tilt – the SEC will eat their own.  And this doesn’t mean they are superior.  It means one of the best teams in the conference beats the worst 3-2.  That’s called conference parity, nay, conference mediocrity.

4.  Well, If At First You Don’t Win – You Can Always Buy OJ’s

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I’d say that after this past week we have three tiers of Heisman Candidates.  Let’s go ahead and be non-creative and call them “Tier One, Tier Two, and Tier Three”:

Tier One:

Mark Sanchez – It always helps to be a USC QB.  That said, Sanchez is very good.  He dismantled a decent OSU defense, and with the weapons he has around him, look to see him in NY.  He’ll be in the seat that says “Reserved for USC’s QB” – it’s a standing invite.

Chase Daniel – Kid is putting up numbers that make video games blush.  This stat has been thrown about, but have you actually thought about this – in the past two games he has MORE touchdowns than incompletions?  I don’t care what you say, that is just absolutely STUPID.  That’s Girls Next Door stupid.  That doesn’t happen against air, much less NCAA defenses.  With the spread offense and his ability to find his targets, Chase has to be a favorite.

Sam Bradford – Ol’ Sam is QB for powerhouse OU, and he’s underrated and undercovered!  The Slow Jerk family had a chance to see him last year, as a freshman, thwart our Tigers’ dreams not once, but twice.  Look up the word “efficient” and you won’t see his picture, but the words you find will describe how he plays the game.  If only his coach could win a bowl game.

Tier Two:

Tim Tebow – If he’d spend less time changing mankind maybe he’d be up a tier.  He won’t put up the numbers he did last year, and I’m sure he’ll be in Cambodia performing lobotomies during the ceremony, anyway.

Jeremy Maclin – WR is a tough position to win it – but if anyone can do it, it’s Maclin.  Thing is, if he has stellar numbers, so will Chase.  If Maclin makes it to NY, you will have witnessed one of the greatest offenses in the history of the game out of Columbia, MO.

Max Hall – If the Stormin’ Mormons run the table – he’ll be in NY.  He’ll be this year’s Colt Brennan without the ugly facial hair and propensity to not get permission for relations.

Tier Three:

Michael Crabtree – Tech is going to lose too much for this to happen.  Graham Harrell is on this tier as well – but Tech is going to be hurt by the talking heads overrating them this preaseason.  Mike Leach will go to NY though – dressed as a pirate.

Ray Malauga – I included him so he doesn’t find where I live and eat me whole.  RAY FOR HEISMAN!

Knowshon Moreno – Why so low?  So he can hurdle up, that’s why.  They’ll even change the statue to Knowshon hurdling a mid-major defender.  I mean, that’s the greatest play in the history of the game, right?

Well kids, that’s it for today.  Feel free to comment here, or email your professor at theslowjerk@gmail.com.

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