The deans at STQ would like to remind everyone that although things have been fairly easy so far for most of the big boys in class, conference season is about to begin. Those of you who have completed your out-of-conference extra credit assignment and played fellow BCS teams are in good stead. But that means the so-called contenders had better start hitting the books, fix mental mistakes and stop using excuses for their pathetic offensive showing (we’re looking at you, Mssrs. Tuberville, Richt, Bielema. The No-Offense, No-fun Club will not be permitted to dominate this league. And the “but we play such good defense” excuse isn’t gonna fly here, folks) before conference play – and the true tests – begin.
Slow Jerk: Proved their worth eating the Cupcake at the Colliseum
Mad Handles: I’m calling it right now. It’s the power of the hair. My theory is that visitors to the Coliseum are mezmerized to the point of complete uselessness at the sight of Pete Carrol’s silver locks blowing haphazardly in the light southern California breeze.
Smooth as Eggs: After the complete destruction of Ohio State, are there any questions?
The Right Rev: What’s that? Oh, sorry, I was watching Pete Carroll’s hair billow in the wind. This might be Pete Carroll’s best team at USC. And that’s damn scary.
Slow Jerk: Washington isn’t very good. That said, not many teams go to Seattle and put that kind of scalping on the Huskies. Yes, it is a native American joke.
Mad Handles: How do you beat the Sooners? Convince them you’re really playing them in a BCS bowl.
Smooth as Eggs: What, there’s not a rule for excessive destruction? Poor Washington.
The Right Rev: Oklahoma is one of two teams that, at the moment, looks like it might be able to maybe hang with USC. And that’s saying a lot.
Slow Jerk: I played the Mizzou/Nevada game on Wii the other day on the freshman level, and couldn’t put up the numbers that the Tigers did.
Mad Handles: How about that offense… wait, we’re getting word that the Tigers just scored AGAIN!
Smooth as Eggs: It’s getting to the point where it needs to be asked – can Missouri’s offense pitch a perfect game?
The Right Rev: Chase Daniel is a surgeon, and he has the best set of wide receivers and tight ends in the country. Throw in multi-faceted running back Derrick Washington and a bigger, better offensive line, and you’ve got the best offense in football.
Slow Jerk: Didn’t play, but I bet Tebow did something to better the world.
Mad Handles: They could have played, man. Tim Tebow’s aura alone would have been enough to fend off the strongest storm.
Smooth as Eggs: Superman gets the week off and the SEC looks like something Slow Jerk’s dogs processed. Coincidence?
The Right Rev: After watching the offensive futility of his conference mates, Urban Meyer has to be laughing. And licking his chops as he prepares to put UGa back where it belongs.
Slow Jerk: Les Miles’ squad is quietly in the top ten. They won’t be for that long.
Mad Handles: Hooray for an SEC team not called Florida that put up 41 points this week!
Smooth as Eggs: So, it came against North Texas. Doesn’t matter. An SEC team showed glimpses of an offense. That’s progress.
The Right Rev: See, the funny thing is that we know very little about LSU because its out-of-conference schedule was weaker than Dina Lohan’s claims she was a good mother.
Slow Jerk: Didn’t play due to Ike, but would have beat the hell out of Arky.
Mad Handles: Texas took the week off. So will I.
Smooth as Eggs: Even without playing, the Longhorns move up. Why? Because I’m still impressed by how bad they were going to maul Arkansas.
The Right Rev: This is what’s called a default pick. Who the hell else belongs here, Georgia? Did you WATCH the South Carolina game?
Slow Jerk: South Carolina should have won that game. That tells me right there that Georgia sucks.
Mad Handles: Someone wake me up when Stafford throws another TD pass.
Smooth as Eggs: The point I was talking about above. Example 1: Georgia 14, South Carolina 7.
The Right Rev: Turns out, Matt Stafford and Uga’s passing game still aren’t that good. When the OL isn’t making life easy for Moreno, I know that means trouble.
Slow Jerk: I didn’t see the end of their game because I was bored.
Mad Handles: The Wisconsin offense is so boring if it had a Secret Service code name, it’d be “Al Gore.”
Smooth as Eggs: Boringly effective. I have a feeling that is the Badgers’ motto and has been since the beginning of time.
The Right Rev: Watching Wisconsin football makes me watch to kill myself by OD’ing on beer and chesese.
9. South Florida
Slow Jerk: Beating ku isn’t really a big deal. But damn this team is fast.
Mad Handles Leave it to Leavitt. Yeah. No. I didn’t just think of that.
Smooth as Eggs: Answered a few questions with the furious comeback Friday night – for the entire conference.
The Right Rev: Best team in the conference? Yes. Better than kansas? Also yes. When Groethe doesn’t make mistakes, USF is dangerous.
Slow Jerk: Alabama – Could ‘bama win the SEC? If so, proof the SEC sucks.
Mad Handles: Stop traffic! Another SEC team not called Florida dropped 41 this week? Pray. NOW. The apocalypse is at hand.
Smooth as Eggs: Unlike most of their SEC counterparts, the Tide decided to play offense this past week.
The Right Rev: Bama in the top 10 makes me want to throw up. Blasphemy. No team QBed by John Parker “Front Mullet” Wilson is top-10 worthy.
t10 – East Carolina
Slow Jerk: East Carolina – Almost lost to Tulane. No big deal, it isn’t like they lost to Notre Dame.
Mad Handles: Just when I hop on the wagon, the wheels almost fall off. That’s just like a Holtz.
Smooth as Eggs: So, the Pirates barely beat Tulane. SEC teams get credit for stinking out wins on the road against overmatched foes, so why not anybody else.
The Right Rev: East Carolina still has more quality wins than three-fourths of the SEC. ..
t10 – BYU
Slow Jerk: They put a latter-day ass-whooping on an OK UCLA team.
Mad Handles: A 35 point second quarter? That’s not very Christian.
Smooth as Eggs: Consider that a statement regarding the Cougars’ BCS crashing hopes.
The Right Rev: Joseph Smith must have intervened on BYU’s behalf. Either that, or Neuheisel had a bet out on this game or something.
t13. Penn State
Slow Jerk: Penn State – The big ten11 is bad enough that a team in the middle of nowhere with a coach who probably served in the Civil War will win it all.
Mad Handles: When John McCain campaigns in Pennsylvania, he should do so with JoePa at his side. Not only is he associating with a winner, but also one of the few people who can make McCain look and sound like a twentysomething.
Smooth as Eggs: Best team in the Little 11?
The Right Rev: Jim Tressel’s sweater-vest induced power of pedophilia is fading; can crazy old Joe Pa take advantage?
t13. Texas Tech
Slow Jerk: Texas Tech – Harrell had trouble last week with Nevada’s D. Daniel put up 400 yards. That tells you the difference between 3 and 10.
Mad Handles: Good team. Stupid coach. Why, why, why is Harrell still in the game up 36-0 heading into the 4th?
Smooth as Eggs: What separates Tech from the upper echelon of the Big 12? Tech struggled to put Nevada away. Missouri made the Wolfpack look like Southeast Missouri State. The Red Raiders’ refusal to run the football or play defense is fun and cute. But it also keeps them behind.
The Right Rev: Texas Tech’s offense hasn’t quite clicked (despite returning 10 starters) and it’s defense isn’t as good as was advertised. Keep an eye out: The fall is inevitable.
15. Ohio State
Slow Jerk: EMBARRASSED. Seriously, play like that against any team on their schedule from here on out and they’ll be this year’s ND.
Mad Handles: Time to turn this offense over to Pryor and start playing for next year.
Smooth as Eggs: Another game on the national level. Another blowout of the Buckeyes.
The Right Rev: Look, Ohio State just isn’t that good. And it won’t be until Tressel is rolling with an experienced, elite quarterback. So check back in two years…
Slow Jerk: Pulled a win out of their ass this weekend. Pretty nice offense.
Mad Handles: Ah. It appears Oregon knows how to make the mythical “second half adjustments.” Fans love them some second half adjustments.
Smooth as Eggs: The Ducks uniforms? Ugly. Oregon’s play for about 30 minutes Saturday? Hideous. LeGarrette Blount stepping up to save the Ducks? Beautiful.
The Right Rev: Oregon is OK for now, but the Ducks are in trouble if Chris Harper starts more than the next few games at QB.
t- 16. Auburn
Slow Jerk: Auburn – 3 points. And they won. I guess that’s something.
Mad Handles: The obit begins like this: Starkville, MS – September 13, 2008. College football offense died today, in full view of more than 52,000 witnesses, all of whom watched helplessly as the vicious and savage attack occurred…
Smooth as Eggs: Three points! Three freaking points! Auburn should not be allowed to claim that they run the spread. Hell, the Tigers shouldn’t be allowed to claim an offense.
The Right Rev: Scoring fewer points against Mississippi State than Louisiana Tech means Auburn’s offense is ever worse without Brandon Cox than it was with him. Wow.
Slow Jerk: Utah – I want to see them play BYU.
Mad Handles: I know I have ’em ranked lower, but I’m goign to say it right now. Utah is better than BYU.
Smooth as Eggs: Best state school in Mormon land. Then again, was that ever in doubt?
The Right Rev: All that matters is that this likely is the only team standing between BYU and an undefeated season. Until that game, what else really matters?
19. Wake Forest
Slow Jerk: Wake still has to be the favorite for the ACC. Although who wants to see them in the BCS?
Mad Handles: The best of the ACC. Unfortunately, we’re talking football here.
Smooth as Eggs: Jim Grobe is a genius. Seriously, Wake Forest is the best team in the ACC. The man should win every coach of the year award ever presented.
The Right Rev: If there has to be a team from the ACC in a BCS game, why not a Grobe squad? Sure, they’ll get embarrassed, but at least they’ll try hard. That’s more than you can say for Clemson.
Slow Jerk: Blew their chance to really make some noise. BCS dreams are shot, but maybe they’ll be lucky enough to play Boise at Boise in that joke of a bowl.
Mad Handles: They almost pulled it off. At the very least they showed us the true nature of the Wisky offense.
Smooth as Eggs: So, the Bulldogs lost to Wisconsin. They probably fell asleep by the end of the first quarter, so who can blame them.
The Right Rev: Pat Hill let me down, man. He let me down.
Slow Jerk: Shouldn’t be ranked – but Ron Zook gave me 10,000 dollars to make it happen.
Mad Handles: Has that guy who bought www.fireronzook.com the day Zook became head coach at Florida sold the site to an Illinois fan? There should be a market for it soon.
Smooth as Eggs: The real Juice Williams has resurfaced. And he has proven again that Eddie McGee is the best QB on the Illini roster. Any chance Zook is dirty enough to swap jerseys on Williams and McGee for that opener?
The Right Rev: I hear that in addition to giving Slow Jerk cash, the Zooker also gave Jerk’s mom a job in the athletic department at Racist Mascot U.
Get in line, drop the shorts and prepare for the verbal beating you so justly deserve.
1. People who watched Auburn vs. Mississippi State
Slow Jerk: 3-2. FIVE total points in a football game. I don’t understand – did this game only last 2 minutes?
Mad Handles: These people are henceforth known as the “mourners.” See above. If you witnessed this brutal attack, help is available. You are encouraged to call the PTSD hotline at (800) 293-1438. You are not alone.
Smooth as Eggs: Seriously, if I attended that game, I’d demand my money back. If someone actually watched this game on television – get a freaking life.
The Right Rev: This is the ultimate example of how much b.s. the SEC slings around about how great its conference is, top to bottom. Mississippi State got embarrassed by La. Tech. And Auburn musters three points against the Dawgs. THREE! Pathetic.
Slow Jerk: BONANI!!!!!!
Mad Handles: You know how Doritos claims to be “nacho cheese” flavored, but they don’t taste like any nachos you’ve ever had in your life? Yeah. That’s kind of how it is with kansas and “BCS contender.”
Smooth as Eggs: Exposed. Can’t run. Can’t play defense. Not playing the weak sisters of the poor. Loss. And for those kansAss readers, who are tired of the weak schedule and fat coach jokes, you suck. Of course, it’s probably basketball season in lowrents about now. So, good riddance.
The Right Rev: ku is in trouble. No running game. No offensive tackles worth a crap. Unable to keep USF’s not-that-great passing game from shredding its secondary. Eat it, jerks.
Slow Jerk: The most embarrasing performance by a big name BCS school this side of ohio state.
Mad Handles: Seriously? Not even a field goal? What was the spread on this one? Someone check with Neuheisel’s bookie.
Smooth as Eggs: More proof that the SEC is overrated. Tennessee loses to UCLA despite the Bruins consistently turning the ball over. The Mormons then turn the Bruins into non-marriage material.
The Right Rev: Seriously, UCLA? Seriously? Go think about what you’ve done.
4. Ohio State
Slow Jerk: Big stage – and they choke. Actually, I don’t think they choked. They just aren’t that damn good.
Mad Handles: To the media who placed tOSU in the Top 5 to start – Do you get it now? Do you? Here’s a novel idea, let’s make tOSU earn it for a change.
Smooth as Eggs: Another game on the national level. Another blowout of the Buckeyes.
The Right Rev: I’m laughing. Get a real QB. And maybe a defense that focuses on more than stomping runs up gut.
Slow Jerk Dude, you guys got beat by Notre Dame. The only productive team you did was blow out Charlie Weis’ knee.
Mad Handles: Sweet merciful crap. This is what it’s come to?
Smooth as Eggs: How is RichRod as the new “Michigan Man” working out? A loss to Utah – excusable. A loss to Notre Dame – hilarious.
The Right Rev: You know when you’re playing NCAA football from EA Sports and you make the mistake of simming a game – and all your starting QBs get hurt, leaving you moving a WR to QB? Yeah, that’s where Michigan is right now.
Slow Jerk: “Bears” is a lot like “cubs” – which really sucks for Cal
Mad Handles: Meh. It’s Cal.
Smooth as Eggs: – Maryland lost to Middle Tennessee. The Terps then whipped your ass. I don’t care that it was essentially a 9 a.m. game, losing to Maryland is like losing to Notre Dame.
The Right Rev: The Pac-10 isn’t as bad as the ACC or Big East, but it’s close.
7. Arizona State
Slow Jerk: I hear Rudy Carpenter is really good at Scrabble. I also hear he’s a shitty QB.
Mad Handles: I’m all out of Sam Keller jokes.
Smooth as Eggs: So much for that showdown with Georgia.
The Right Rev: Dennis Erickson, what’s going on? You’re not supposed to start losing until AFTER you get busted for dirty tactics.