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STQ Week 3 Pop Quiz

By looking at Professor Slow Jerk, you wouldn’t think the guy knows college football – soccer maybe, but football? Don’t let that sweatervest fool you, though, Slow Jerk has proven to know his Holtzes. Or at the least that a non-senile Holtz can outcoach Bill Stewart.

Through two weeks, Slow Jerk leads the class, scoring a 58 out of 67 (28 of 31 last week).  Smooth as Eggs (27 last week) and The Right Rev (26 last week) are in second with a 56. Mad Handles is still wearing the dunce cap in the corner with a 53 (26 last week).

Mad Handles

Slow Jerk



(13) ku at (19) USF

USF 28-21

USF 41-21

USF 41-14

USF 21-17

(23) Cal at Maryland

Cal 33-17

Cal 41-10

Cal 50-10

Cal 34-13

UL-Laf. at (24) Illinois

Illinois 31-13

Illinois 33-17

Illinois 34-14

Illinois 38-10

Nevada at (6) Missouri

Mizzou 52-28

Mizzou 52-12

Mizzou 41-12

Mizzou 55-24

(14) ECU at Tulane

ECU 42-13

ECU 29-27

ECU 34-3

ECU 22-7

(2) UGA at S. Carolina

UGA 48-13

USCe 27-23

UGA 27-13

UGA 26-10

(16) Oregon at Purdue

Oregon 38-17

Oregon 23-18

Oregon 37-11

Oregon 45-31

(17) Penn St. at Cuse

Penn St 55-9

Penn St 44-3

Penn St 52-7

Penn St 28-3

UCLA at (18) BYU

UCLA 28-21

UCLA 29-21

UCLA 27-17

UCLA 17-13

(9) Auburn at Miss. St

Auburn 38-13

Auburn 10-3

Auburn 14-12

Auburn 21-3

WKU at (11) Bama

Bama 28-6

Bama 22-17

Bama 28-10

Bama 24-13

SMU at (12) TexTech

Tech 48-24

Tech 40-33

Tech 41-22

Tech 63-31

(3) OU at Wash.

OU 52-21

OU 29-10

OU 40-7

OU 56-17

(5) tOSU at (1) USC

USC 38-17

USC 100-0

USC 37-6

USC 49-12

North Texas at (7) LSU

LSU 35-9

LSU 31-14

LSU 67-9

LSU 54-9

(22) Utah at Utah St.

Utah 38-17

Utah 39-31

Utah 47-12

Utah 37-20

UNLV at (15) Arizona St

ASU 42-9

ASU 23-20

ASU 24-15

ASU 24-13

(10) Wisc. at (21) Fresno

Fresno 21-20

Fresno 23-10

Wisc. 8-7

Fresno 27-23

Wazzu at Baylor

Baylor 38-10

Wazzu 20-10

Wazzu 30-13

Baylor 29-27

Iowa St. at Iowa

Iowa 17-10

Iowa St 22-21

Iowa 28-16

Iowa St 17-13

N. Mexico St. at Nebraska

UNL 5000-17

UNL 31-29

UNL 28-27

UNL 21-20

SMS at Okie State

OSU 55-3

OSU 40-10

OSU 40-0

OSU 70-3

GaTech at VaTech

GT 24-17

VT 6-3

GT 13-11

GT 19-14

Michigan at ND

ND 17-13

Mich. 3-0

Mich. 6-4

Mich. 14-10

The full analysis from the resident experts is after the jump.

Top 25


(13) kansAss at (19) South Florida

Mad Handles – If it weren’t for tosu/USC and Wisky/Frezzie St, this might pass for a marquee game this week. Whatever. When will USF quit scheduling these cupcakes? USF 28, kansas 21

Slow Jerk – kansas plays the first real opponent they’ve played in the non-con since Todd Reesing was tall enough to drive.  So last year. USF 41, ku 21

Smooth as Eggs – South Florida is talented. The Bulls are coached by a genius. This all ends up to meaning kansAss has bitten off more than it can chew. Whoever imagined those words ever being written as long as Mangina was coaching in lowrents? USF 41, kansAss 14

The Right Rev – Look, my feelings for kansas are well known. I think the whole world would be better off if the state of kansas was turned into a giant lake. I also think their football team is overrated. Their QB is a hobbit. Their coach is a pathetically fat man. Their mascot is stupid. And their football team will lose to the USF Bulls. USF 21, ku 17


(23) Cal at Maryland

Mad Handles – Unfortunately, in spite of the great line from Wedding Crashers, crab cakes is about the only thing Maryland does these days. Daiquiris! Cal 33, Maryland 17

Slow Jerk – Maryland is in the ACC. Cal 41, Maryland 10

Smooth as Eggs – Wasn’t it just like three or four years ago that Maryland won the ACC? That doesn’t say much for the ACC. Cal 50, Maryland 10

The Right Rev – From one fat man to another. I’m not sure what happened to this “Fridge,” but his success was almost as fleeting as the original “Fridge.” And this one doesn’t even have a cool dance. Cal 34, Maryland 13

UL-Lafayette at (24) Illinois

Mad Handles – Still waiting on Benn to show us all that he’s the best receiver to ever play the college game. I wouldn’t care, except I had to listen to Illannoy fans talk this kind of garbage in the weeks leading up to the Missouri/Illannoy game. Losers. Illannoy 31, UL-Lafayette 13

Slow Jerk – Juice doesn’t play well.  But does he ever?  Ron Zook has sex with a coed from ULL. Illinois 22, ULL 17

Smooth as Eggs – It’s been awhile since I said it, but just in case anybody forgot. Eddie McGee is a better quarterback than Juice Williams. Illinois 34, UL-Lafayette 14

The Right Rev – Snore. Illinois 38, UL-Lafayette 10

Nevada at (6) Missouri

Mad Handles – Hard to pick against Missouri dropping 52. They seem to like that number. Nevada will kick in 14 garbage points against Missouri’s third string. Missouri 52, Nevada 28

Slow Jerk – 52 is Mizzou’s magic number.  Watch out, country. Missouri 52, Nevada 12

Smooth as Eggs – It’s going to take a whole lot more than The Pistol for Nevada to stay close with Missouri. In case you haven’t noticed, there’s a new star in Columbia joining Chase Daniel, Jeremy Maclin, Chase Coffman and William Moore. His name is Derrick Washington. Oh yeah, Sean Weatherspoon is also a stud. Missouri 41, Nevada 12

The Right Rev – Missouri isn’t going to cover (Nevada’s offense is good). But Nevada’s defense CAN’T cover Missouri’s deep and dangerous group of receiving targets. You’ve got a Pistol? They’ve got Maclin. Advantage: Missouri. Missouri 55, Nevada 24

(14) East Carolina at Tulane

Mad Handles – Who knew there was a Holtz out there who could coach anymore? Remarkable. I’m done picking against ECU, at least in the non conference schedule. They’re solid. East Carolina 42, Tulate 13

Slow Jerk – ECU almost gets its bubble burst.  Lou Holtz spits all over Mark May. East Carolina 29, Tulane 27

Smooth as Eggs – So, East Carolina has won three straight games against ranked opponents. What happens when the Dirty Pirate Hookers play a non-ranked team? ECU 34, Tulane 3

The Right Rev – Look, the Rev will admit when he’s wrong. And he was wrong about ECU. Big time. What about Tulane? It gave Bama some trouble last week, which must mean Tulane is pretty good (I mean, if they can hang with a <sarcasm>POWERHOUSE</sarcasm> SEC team…) . So I’m going to pick ECU. But won’t be shocked if Tulane wins this. ECU 22, Tulane 7

(2) Georgia at South Carolina

Mad Handles – Uh… South Carolina kind of sucks, minus the “kind of.” Georgia 48, South Carolina 13

Slow Jerk – UPSET, BABY!  Spurrier time travels back to his Florida days – Smelley doesn’t get in the way. South Carolina 27, Georgia 23

Smooth as Eggs – Nobody enjoys beating Georgia more than The Ol’ Ballcoach. Unfortunately, this is the year the Dawgs finally play well against South Carolina. Also, in case you haven’t heard – Knowshon Moreno should automatically win the Heisman because he ripped off Chase Coffman’s patented move and hurdled some dude. Pardon me while I feign being impressed. Man-spooning Opponent-hurdling CrimeDawgs 27, USCe 13

The Right Rev – How did South Carolina beat Georgia last year? Seriously, how did that happen? Spurrier’s offense is brutal, and even the best D can’t hold up without help for an entire game. Especially against a team that just hurdles people. ‘Cause no one else ever does that… Georgia 26, South Carolina 10

Arkansas at (8) Texas


(16) Oregon at Purdue

Mad Handles – Yeah. That’s right. Forty-two points against a patsy like Northern Colorado translates into about 17 against a quality opponent. Sorry, Purdue. Oregon 38, Purdue 17

Slow Jerk – Oregon comes back to Earth, Purdue still sucks. Oregon 23, Purdue 18

Smooth as Eggs – Oregon plays three quarterbacks. That’s more than the entire Big 11. Oregon 37, Purdue 11

The Right Rev – Purdue’s Curtis Painter is the best QB in the Big Televen (I know, it’s like being the smartest kid on the short bus, but still). Purdue can score a bit. But, unfortunately for the Boilermakers, Oregon’s offense can score a lot – especially against slow, weak Big Ten defenses. Oregon 45, Purdue 31

(17) Penn State at Syracuse

Mad Handles – This one’s going to be as ugly as Madonna minus the makeup. Penn State 55, Syracuse 9

Slow Jerk – Remember how sometimes the ‘Cuse plays a good team tough at home?  Neither does anyone in Syracuse. Penn State 44, Syracuse 3

Smooth as Eggs – Imagine how good Penn State could be if its coach actually still knew what he was doing. Penn State 52, Syracuse 7

The Right Rev – Anybody else love watching Greg Robinson get crushed as much as I do? Penn State 28, Syracuse 3

UCLA at (18) BYU

Mad Handles – I don’t know what the line is on this game, but I bet Rick Neuheisel does. UCLA 28, BYU 21

Slow Jerk – Do Mormons have ritual sacrifice? UCLA 29, BYU 21

Smooth as Eggs – Call it Locker’s revenge. Or just call it BYU is overrated. UCLA 27, BYU 17

The Right Rev – Look, BYU barely slipped past Washington (Ty Willingham, people, Ty Willingham). UCLA has a great defense and is starting to move forward offensively. Sorry, Max Young. Your BCS bubble bursts here. UCLA 17, BYU 13

(9) Auburn at Mississippi State

Mad Handles – One of the bigger news items this week was the argument of the kook physicists who said the Large Hadron Collider, once activated, would create tiny black holes that will eventually consume the planet. Whatever. The bigger threat to humanity occurs when two SEC teams square off. It’s hard to pick a winner, because by definition, each team is superior to the other. And when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, well, let’s just say that reality as we know it is in grave peril. Auburn 38, Mississippi State 13

Slow Jerk – I just lost 2 years of my life thinking about how terrible this game is. Auburn 10, Mississippi State 3

Smooth as Eggs – Apparently “real football” means punting = good. Auburn 14, Mississippi State 12

The Right Rev – Part of me has to cheer for Sly Croom a little. He’s got an unenviable job. But Mississippi State is never going to have the talent of Auburn or LSU. Why hasn’t Croom gone to a system (like, say, maybe the spread?) that allows him to neutralize some of that talent gap? Auburn 21, Mississippi State 3

Western Kentucky at (11) Alabama

Mad Handles – Even the greatest mascot in the world can’t help Western KY this week. Alabama 28, Western KY 6

Slow Jerk – No words for this shit game. Bama 22, Western Kentucky 17

Smooth as Eggs – What is a Hilltopper? For that matter, what is a Crimson Tide? Alabama 28, Western Kentucky 10

The Right Rev – The fact that Bama struggled with Tulane shows just how horrible Clemson coach Tommy Bowden actually is. Bama 24, Western Kentucky 13

SMU at (12) Texas Tech

Mad Handles – Mike Leach breathes  a sigh of relief this week. He only has to face a June Jones team. Cake. TTech 48, SMU 24

Slow Jerk – Tech is good?  NO. Texas Tech 40, SMU 33

Smooth as Eggs – How long until June Jones wishes he was back in Hawaii? Any rapist quarterbacks out there, though, feel free to dust off the ol’ resume and drop it off in Dallas. Tech 41, SMU 22

The Right Rev – Same old Tech. Texas Tech 63, SMU 31

(3) Oklahoma at Washington

Mad Handles – This is not Ty Willingham’s year. But then, he’s had a lot of those lately. Oklahoma 52, Washington 21

Slow Jerk – OU doesn’t dominate like they have so far, Jake Locker throws his pants in the air and tells the refs to “excessively celebrate this”. Oklahoma 29, Washington 10

Smooth as Eggs – Another week, another nail in Willingham’s coffin. And I don’t apologize if I hurt Mad Handles’ feelings by constantly dissing his boy Ty. Not everything is nice out in the real world and Handles just has to deal with that. OU 40, Washington 7

The Right Rev – Locker won’t have much to celebrate this week. Oklahoma 56, Washington 17

(5) Ohio State at (1) USC

Mad Handles – This is the game that finally helps the national press realize that they’ve vastly overrated the Buckeyes once again. USC 38, TosserU 17

Slow Jerk – Least competitive game of the year. USC 100, ohiostate 0

Smooth as Eggs – I knew Chris “I injured my Beanie” Wells was a helluva running back. I didn’t know he was the Buckeyes’ entire offense. USC 37, Ohowi’mabouttogetslaughtered State 6

The Right Rev – No. 58 can smell the fear emanating from Todd Boeckman from six states away. Or is that the urine in Jim Tressel’s pants? USC 49, Ohio State 12

North Texas at (7) LSU

Mad Handles – Todd Dodge had better talent at Southlake Carroll High. LSU 35, North Texas 9

Slow Jerk – Les Miles changes his name to Les Fourtho Downo to get attention. LSU 31, North Texas 14

Smooth as Eggs – Todd Dodge is a genius (the man coached Chase Daniel, so he obviously is a genius). Les Miles is, well, lucky as hell. North Texas has no talent. LSU is in the SEC, meaning the Tigers are STACKED. LSU 67, North Texas 9

The Right Rev – Another noncom game for LSU, another snore fest. LSU 54, North Texas 9

(22) Utah at Utah State

Mad Handles – Yes. This proves it. Utah is the superior public institution of higher education in the state. Utah 38, Utah State 17

Slow Jerk – Good game.  Rivalry. Utah 39, Utah State 31

Smooth as Eggs – Utah shows how you should treat that red-headed step-patsy in the in-state family. Utah 47, Utah State 12

The Right Rev – How do you not love the Uties? Really? Utah 37, Utah State 20

UNLV at (15) Arizona State

Mad Handles – The Running Rebels basketball team would stand a better chance against the Sun Devils. Arizona State 42, UNLV 9

Slow Jerk – The Runnin Rebs make a game of this.  Dennis Erickson pays off an official mid play. Arizona State 23, UNLV 20

Smooth as Eggs – Rudy Carpenter. Still better than Sam Keller. Arizona State 24, UNLV 15

The Right Rev – Hey, at least the Rebs can party on the strip after they lose. Arizona State 24, UNLV 13

(10) Wisconsin at (21) Fresno State

Mad Handles – At least they’re two ranked teams. That’s… kinda… cool? Fresno St. 21, Wiscy 20

Slow Jerk – Wisconsin is the next big 10 team to be exposed.  They suck. Fresno State 23, Wisconsin 10

Smooth as Eggs – Further ruining offensive football, Wisconsin finds a way to win. In non-shocking related news, Travis Beckum is completely ignored in the Badgers’ gameplan. Wisconsin 8, Fresno State 7

The Right Rev – Brett Bielema is near-invincible at Camp Randall, but he’s not in Wisconsin anymore. Fresno is damn good, and Wisconsin is damn boring. The Bulldogs announce their presence on the scene with authority. Fresno State 27, Wisconsin 23

Big 12


Washington State at Baylor

Mad Handles – Baylor’s not Cal, Wazzu’s not Northwestern St. This game is not interesting. Baylor 38, Wazzu 10

Slow Jerk – Baylor can’t beat anyone in the same division of them. Wazzu 20, Baylor 10

Smooth as Eggs – Baylor can’t even beat off. Wazzu 30, Baylor 13

The Right Rev – Baylor wins the battle of the conference cellar-dwellers. BIG 12 rules! Baylor 29, Washington State 27


Iowa State at Iowa

Mad Handles – This one will be about as boring as anything else that ever happens in Iowa. Here’s the kind of game that could lose out in television ratings to “Watching Paint Dry” on HGTV. Iowa 17, Iowa St. 10

Slow Jerk – Chizik prevails in a game that really doesn’t mean anything to anyone but iowans. Iowa State 22, Iowa 21

Smooth as Eggs – I think Chizik translates into English as “What the hell was I thinking when I decided to leave Texas for effing Ames, Iowa?” Iowa 28, Iowa State 16

The Right Rev – When does ISU beating Iowa stop being an upset? Maybe the same time Kirk Ferentz gets canned because he can’t beat Iowa State? Iowa State 17, Iowa 13

New Mexico State at Nebraska

Mad Handles – I’ve been reading some of the Husker internet boards. I’m convinced, maaaaaan. Nerbrasky 5,000, New Mexico St. 17

Slow Jerk – BLACKSHIRTS!!!!!!!! Nebraska 31, New Mexico State 29

Smooth as Eggs – Last year – Sam Keller. This year – Marlon Lucky. If the nubs hype up a player as being awesome, bet that he’ll lose his starting job by midseason. UNL 28, New Mexico State 27

The Right Rev – The  Huskers squeaked by San Jose State despite being outgained and dominated at times up front (by a team that lost to Cal-Davis). The charade will continue for one more week, as Nebraska sneaks by NMSU. Nebraska 21, New Mexico State 20

SMS at Oklahoma State

Mad Handles – I don’t know, man. This might be a worse matchup than Missouri/SEMO last week. OkieSt. 55, SMS 3

Slow Jerk – No comment. Oklahoma State 40, SMS 10

Smooth as Eggs – Just have to beat The Right Rev in dubbing SMS as Namestealers U. Okie State 40, SMS 0

– What’s that, you say? Who’s SMS? That’s the teachers college that stole its  name from the university of Missouri (thanks, Governor Blunt! Way to make the one accomplishment of your reign as MO governor count). That happens to be coached by former kU coach Terry Allen. Yeah, they suck. Oklahoma State 70, SMS 3


Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech

Mad Handles – What is this, the Sextant Bowl? GaTech 24, VaTech 17

Slow Jerk – Sno-effing-ore. VaTech 6, GaTech 3

Smooth as Eggs – One team has Sean Glennon. The other doesn’t. Also, something tells me GaTech makes sure that shitty quarterback actually dons a Hokie jersey this year. GaTech 13, VaTech 11

The Right Rev – In the battle of the Techies, the Wrambling Wreck pulls off the upset thanks the old triple option. You love it. GaTech 19, VaTech 14

Michigan at Notre Dame

Mad Handles – This game will set the game of football back about 80 years. Notre Dame 17, Michigan 13

Slow Jerk – Jimmy Clausen’s hair falls out.  RichRod cries.  Football is set back years. Michigan 3, ND 0

Smooth as Eggs – Has a game between offensive geniuses ever been such a defensive struggle before? I’m guessing not. Michigan 6, ND 4

The Right Rev – Michigan fans will be hailing to Charlie Weis (and his front butt) after this bore-fest. My, how the mighty have fallen. Hey, at least Michigan fans will have this win – and some hope. Their guy still has time to get his rebuild job done… Michigan 14, Notre Dame 10, America 0

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