STQ Week Two Dean’s List and Paddle Line

Dean’s List

1. USC

2. Oklahoma

3. Missouri

4. Georgia

5. Florida

6. LSU

7. Texas

8. East Carolina

9. Ohio State

10-tie. Texas Tech

10-tie. Auburn

12. Oregon

13. Penn State

14. Wisconsin

15-tie. Illinois

15-tie. Arizona State

17. South Florida

18. Alabama

19. BYU

20. Utah

21. Wake Forest

Paddle Line

1. West Virginia/Big East

2. Officiating Crew at BYU/Washington

3. kU

4. Big Ten “power”

5. Notre Dame

6. Ben Mauk

7. Arkansas

Dean’s List

Welcome to the front of the class. Unlike Clemson or Pitt, you aren’t stuck with a bumbling idiot as your coach, and thus haven’t suffered an inexcusable upset. Enjoy the praise, because one slip-up and the pain will rain down on you like The Struggle.

1. USC

Mad Handles – Until they lose, or “Derrty” Sanchez goes down, they stay on top.

Slow Jerk – A week off before playing another cupcake next week.

Smooth as Eggs – For some reason, I think the Trojans got hard watching Ohowihate struggle with Ohio last week.

The Right Rev Who’s going to beat this team, really? Oregon? Cal? Stanford? Hey, it could happen.

2. Oklahoma

The Right Rev More proof Stoops is an a-hole but a good coach: He left Bradford in to rack up numbers for the Heisman campaign. He’s an a-hole, but he’s smart. (Too bad brother Mike is just an a-hole).

Smooth as Eggs – After Chattanooga and Cincinnati, who knew the Sooners’ schedule could get easier with Handles’ boy Willingham up next?

Slow Jerk – Sam Bradford is legit, folks. If only his eyes opened all the way.

Mad Handles – Hey, this is the time of the year when Bob Stoops wins. Unlike, say, BCS bowl season.

3. Missouri

Mad Handles – Missouri loves symmetry. Back to back 52-point bursts by the offense has the Tigers knocking on Top 2 territory. The defense is a bit suspect, though.

Slow Jerk – Mizzou could score 52 against the Rams. Derrick Washington will be a top 3 RB this year in the COUNTRY.

Smooth as Eggs – Has SEMO’s defense shown up yet? Or Illinois’ for that matter?

The Right Rev Chase Daniel only threw one incompletion last week, and that was a drop. He’s that good, folks.

4. Georgia

The Right Rev – Moreno’s hurdle? Yawn. Chase Coffman does it every week for Missouri.

Smooth as Eggs – Seriously, Knowshon’s hurdle was sick. However, quit slobbering over it. If you watched real football, you would have noticed Chase Coffman has perfected that move over the past four years.

Slow Jerk – Hey, did you see Knowshon Moreno hurdle a guy? Oh yeah, who gives a shit.

Mad Handles – I’m waiting to be blown away. Knowshon can jump? Pfft. Chase Coffman does it every game.

5. Florida

Mad Handles – 9-3 at the half? 17 pts in the 4th? What in the hell was wrong with these jackasses this week?

Slow Jerk – If I see another story about Tebow being shirtless and performing surgery on a kid in Africa, I’m going to shoot somebody. Myself.

Smooth as Eggs – Scary news for Gators opponents – Florida’s defense looks legit. Just ask Miami.

The Right Rev The defense looked good against Miami. But does that really mean anything? Meanwhile, they still don’t have a running back better than Tebow and Harvin. Uh-oh.

6. LSU

The Right Rev –  Les Miles will mess this up. Because he has a former Harvard QB running the show.

Smooth as Eggs – Don’t play and move up in the rankings – is this 2007?

Slow Jerk – Somewhere a moron in purple and gold thinks LSU is relevant this year.

Mad Handles – I thought the beauty of football was that it was the true all-weather sport. Pansies.

7. Texas

Mad Handles – They rolled. The most interesting thing that happened in their game this week was the hand job that dude received up on the mountain. Yeah. Youtube it.

Slow Jerk – Texas will not lose until Mizzou comes to town with history’s best offense.

Smooth as Eggs – Colt looks like ‘Real’ McCoy again, but this ranking has more to do with the other teams sucking than the Longhorns impressing.

The Right Rev Check out the YouTube from the UTEP game. You’ll appreciate it almost as much as Bob Davie did.

8. East Carolina

The Right Rev OK, the Rev was wrong about Skippy. Can they run the table?

Smooth as Eggs – While I called the Week One upset, that had more to do with Sean Glennon than the Pirates. Turns out Skip Holtz may have actually gotten all the brains in the Holtz family.

Slow Jerk – Beat a top 10 and 20 team back to back? Watch ’em lose to Tulane. Does Skip Holtz slobber?

Mad Handles – I think I’m gonna pick these guys to win this week. So… here comes their first loss.

9. Ohio State

Mad Handles – Pssst. Hey. Yeah, over here. You guys trailed mighty Ohio and Nebraska reject Frank Solich going into the 4th quarter. You’re NOT a national championship-caliber team, no matter how much the fools in the press desperately want you to be one.

Slow Jerk – Ohio? Effing Ohio? You’re glad you’re still in the rankings. No team should be THAT reliant on a running back. Prepare to be embarrassed on the west coast.

Smooth as Eggs – Without Chris “I injured my Beanie” Wells, even Ohio makes the Buckeyes look slow. What’s that – that means SEC teams aren’t that much faster? Interesting.

The Right Rev Seriously. Remember when Todd Boeckman was regarded as an NFL draft prospect/best QB in Big Ten/best QB in his class? Done laughing? Boeckman isn’t even as good as Craig Krenzel – and he will cost Second-state U its title shots (league and national).

10-tie. Texas Tech

The Right Rev Ahoy, matey. Thar be pirates about…

Smooth as Eggs – I am physically ill that the one-trick Red Raiders are in the top 10. But, seriously, who else should go here?

Slow Jerk – I don’t care if it’s “hard to play Nevada at Reno” – it isn’t.  That “good” an offense should show better than that. Tech will not be ranked by mid-season.

Mad Handles – Go back and look at the first half numbers this week. Yeah. I might have them a little too high.

10-tie. Auburn

Mad Handles – I put them here out of boredom.

Slow Jerk – Sympathy pick.  They suck.

Smooth as Eggs – One week after not exactly dominating UL-Monroe, the Tigers don’t exactly overpower Southern Miss. Still, Auburn is finding a way to win with a pathetic offense. On the plains, that’s called tradition.

The Right Rev What happened to the offensive outburst that was coming with Aubie’s new spread offense?

12. Oregon

Smooth as Eggs – The uniforms are hideous, but the offense is beautiful – I don’t care if it was Utah State, 688 yards is 688 yards.

The Right Rev – Wow. No Dixon, no Stewart, no problem. Did Phil Knight sell his soul to the devil again?

Mad Handles – When your unis are that ugly, you have to do something to impress recruits. Mission accomplished.

Slow Jerk – Lit it up this past weekend.  And I don’t mean because they wore the hi-lighter uniforms.

13. Penn State

Smooth as Eggs – In the weak Big 11, keep an eye out on the Nittany Lions.

The Right Rev – It’s like JoePa suddenly remembered how talented his squad is. Or like the assistants are taking over.

Mad Handles – Look at that. It turns out octogenarians can coach.

Slow Jerk – You hit a point where the pot arrests just kind of cancel themselves out.

14. Wisconsin

Smooth as Eggs – Here’s a hint to Badger fans – you are still a one-dimensional offense. Allen Evridge start ahead of Josh Freeman. In other words, he’s not that good of a quarterback.

The Right Rev –If you play for a team that gave up 50 points to Wisconsin, you should probably put yourself out of your misery. I’m looking at you, Marshall.

Mad Handles – I’m sticking by my guns. The offense bores the shit out of me. I never, ever thought 50+ could look so ugly.

Slow Jerk – Want to know why they threw up 50+ points?  Because they have a Big 12 QB.  A crappy Big 12 QB.  Just think if they had one of the good ones…

15. (tie) Illinois

Smooth as Eggs – Juice Williams has looked pretty good so far. And with the Big 11 schedule on the horizon, the Illini’s schedule is about to get easier.

The Right Rev – Watching directional-Illinois defenders try to tackle defenders is kind of like watching your friend (the one that hosts D&D sessions in his basement) try to hit on the hottest girl on campus. Painful. For you to watch, for them to watch played over and over again in their mind’s eye for the next 20 years.

Mad Handles – No love from the coaches this week. That’s why we’re here, folks, to tell you that Illinois is probably not quite better than Wisky, but it’s damn sure better than tossserU.

Slow Jerk – Juice is OK.

15. (tie) Arizona State

Smooth as Eggs – One week after showing off his legs (no, not like that you sweatervest-wearers), Rudy Carpenter impresses with his arm. Maybe that’s why he beat out Sam Keller. Well, that and Sam Keller sucks. Even Nebraska fans realize that now.

The Right Rev – Look, Dennis Erickson’s turnaround in the desert is impressive. But I’m still waiting for the Sun Devils to beat a really good team. They can make a believer of me this week…

Mad Handles – Impressive win over giant-slayer Stanford.

Slow Jerk – Rudy Carpenter likes teenage girls, I hear.

17. South Florida

Smooth as Eggs – So the Bulls struggled to put UCF away, something tells me Jim Leavitt will have South Florida ready for a batch of redlegged bastards.

The Right Rev – Have you watched Matt Groethe play? If you haven’t, watch again. See how much fun the spread makes college football?

Mad Handles – Beat kansas this week and Leavit will receive a parade back in Missouri.

Slow Jerk – Shaky against UCF.  Will beat the TAR out of ku.

18. Alabama

Smooth as Eggs – The latest indictment on Tommy Bowden’s coaching resume – Alabama scuffled against Tulane.

The Right Rev – Nick Saban: still an asshole. Alabama: still not that good.

Mad Handles A 17-point victory over Tulane? Strike one. If you want to stay on this list, ‘Bama, you’re going to need to step it up.

Slow Jerk – Nick Saban killed his second-born for the Clemson win.  Now, he has to rely on his crappy team.

19. BYU

Smooth as Eggs – Needing an officiating blunder to stay out of overtime against Washington doesn’t exactly exude confidence that BYU’s hopes of crashing the BCS are realistic.

The Right Rev – BYU’s offense wasn’t overly impressive against Washington. That doesn’t bode well, especially with the offenses the Fighting Mormons have remaining on their schedule.

Mad Handles – This year might make them all forget about the Steve Young era. Wait, that’s ridiculous.

Slow Jerk – I think they offered the officiating crew multiple wives.

20. Utah

Smooth as Eggs – The Utes make another claim that they are the BCS crashers to watch. Also, that Brian Johnson kid is sporty. That’s right, I said sporty.

The Right Rev – The best team in Utah. And it actually will matter this year on the national scene. Who knew?

Mad Handles – Who needs Urban Meyer? Seriously.

Slow Jerk – Where’s Alex Smith?  I mean, it isn’t like he’s playing in SF.

21. Wake Forest

Smooth as Eggs – Another week, another underwhelming win for the Demon Deacons. Still, that’s impressive when you reside in the ACC.

The Right Rev – Let’s give some love to Riley Skinner. Great dual-threat QB – who has grown into a decent passer as his career progressed. Remember when all he could do was run? I do.

Mad Handles – I ought to put Ole Mess on this list ahead of you. Winning by two over that team is pathetic.

Slow Jerk – The ACC sucks, and Wake isn’t very good.  But they kill in that league.

Paddle Line

We won’t lie: This is going to hurt you more than it hurts us. A lot more. So get in line, and get ready for the verbal pounding you’re about to take. You deserve it.

1. West Virginia/Big East

Smooth as Eggs – Did the Mountaineers miss the fact that East Carolina beat Virginia Tech in the opener? Did West Virginia forget about that disaster against Pitt to close last season? Or is Bill Stewart that much over his head?

The Right Rev – Remember when I told Eer fans to enjoy this year? Still enjoying it, gang? And with WVU dropping the torch, it’s up to USF and Mizzou alum Jim Leavitt to lead the Big East. Yeah, I know. It looked like the ACC had “worst BCS conference” sewed up, but the Big Least is gonna fight them for it.

Mad Handles – Seriously, WVU? You cost me $1.20. Don’t ask

Slow Jerk – THREE POINTS?  It’s official – the Eers are not even making a bowl this year.

2. Officiating Crew at BYU/Washington

Smooth as Eggs – My guess is that official has more than one wife.

The Right Rev – OK, look. The official made the right call per the rule book. Place the blame where it belongs, folks.

Mad Handles – Seriously. Is this the NFL? Let’s have some fun out there, boys!

Slow Jerk – Once you take the fun out of college football, we all become the Big 10.

3. kU

Smooth as Eggs – Worst news Mangina’s heard since he last pushed away from the dinner table (OK, that’s not true since the fat man never pushes away from the dinner table) – no more cupcakes. At least not this week.

The Right Rev – I know I’m a kU hater (it’s in the blood, what can I say), but the Jayhawks’ offensive line still is getting pushed around, and it’s defensive line still puts about as much pressure on the QB as my hippie kindergarten teacher put on me. Losing in the trenches=losing to teams with good lines (USF, Missouri, Texas, Oklahoma, Texas Tech). Uh oh.

Mad Handles – Duh.

Slow Jerk – Todd Reesing is a troll with a small package.

4. Big Ten “power”

Smooth as Eggs – Ohowihate trails Ohio into the fourth quarter. Wisconsin struggles with Marshall through the first half. Miami (Ohio) scares the crap out of Michigan. Northwestern barely edges Duke. Yes, the Big 11 still sucks at football.

The Right Rev – When is the Big Ten conference going to realize that CFB is passing it by? It’s not about running the ball between the tackles behind an OL that averages 330 and a 235-pound, 4.6 running back anymore.

Mad Handles – ‘Nuf said. And TosserU is NOT the best team in this conference.

Slow Jerk – Wisky struggled for a while.  Ohio state did as well.  Michigan?  Merge into the Big ACC if they want one good team.

5. Notre Dame

Smooth as Eggs – Good thing Touchdown Jesus is on the Golden Domers’ side. Otherwise the Irish would have lost to San Diego State. Yup, the same Aztecs team that lost to 1-AA UC-Davis a week earlier. The good news – Michigan is on the schedule this week.

The Right Rev – What’s funnier: Weis’ front butt, or the Irish’s fall from grace? Man, it sure is easier to look like a genius when Tom Brady is your QB, huh?

Mad Handles – Is anyone else waiting for Charlie Weis to break out into song on the sidelines? “If I only had a brain…”

Slow Jerk – SDSU is not good.  Please, Domers, stop saying they are a better team than people think.  They suck.

6. Ben Mauk

Smooth as Eggs – Dude, give it up. Move on to the real world. How many rejections does it take until you realize you aren’t getting a sixth year of eligibility?

The Right Rev – Are we sure Ben Mauk didn’t go to kansas? He whines like a jayhawk bitch…

Mad Handles – He’s on the list because the ONLY reason I even know his name is over this ridiculous fight for a sixth year. Loser.

Slow Jerk – dude, going to the courts?  You ain’t playing anymore.  Get paid in Canada.

7. Arkansas

Smooth as Eggs – Sure, the Razorbacks are 2-0. But Arkansas has outscored Western Illinois and UL-Monroe 56-51. Also, Bobby Petrino is an ass.

The Right Rev –Casey Dick still is the QB, so that’s worth somewhat of a pass. Unless you’re a lying quitter like Petrino.

Mad Handles The Petrino era almost came to an end as quickly as it began… and this time not because Bobby found a better deal somewhere else.

Slow Jerk – They only won by ONE point against UL-Monroe.  I don’t think there’s anything more negative or embarrassing I can say.

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5 Responses

  1. I’m must say it makes me absolutely giddy that a bunch of Methzouri Tiger fans have a blog. I never thought I’d see the day. There truly is progress in America…McCain or Obama should highlight this blog as proof that everyone despite their mental and cultural limitations can be somebody in this country.

    I’d also like to commend the credibility and unbiased nature of this blog. Because by putting Kansas as your #3 team on the paddle line after beating a team by 30 points and shutting them out…you truly show that you are “fair and balanced”. Yes I know La Tech is a “cupcake”, they only beat an SEC team the week prior to playing KU…they certainly weren’t an opponent the quality of SEMO.

    Schedule smack was last years Methouzouri Fan platform to try minimize KUs accomplishments …you need something new and actually accurate this year. Or you could just stick to fat jokes. I’m guessing you’ll choose the later.

    As a KU fan it warms my heart that after two straight 30 point blowouts of opponents you still feel we are on the “Paddle Line”. I love the hate.

  2. Methzouri? Now that’s good stuff right there. Thanks for the comment, and tell your friends. We enjoy all kinds of readership – even those folks to the west of us.

    By the way – ku’s schedule sucked last year.

  3. You’re slow, aren’t you, kU fan?

    Your spelling and grammar are a good indication.

    As is your lack of comprehension of rivalries. We are Missouri fans. We hate kansas, its imaginary mascot, and the snobby pricks that make up its fan base. Anything else would be unhealthy – and unnatural. Much like the jayhawk.

    It’s a blog, you jackass. Unbiased is not a mandatory thing around here, especially in our dean’s list comments. At STQ, just like real school, the biases of the dean get taken into account.

    kU=fail.

  4. Fish on! We have our first kU douchebag hooked!

    It’s true, though. We do enjoy all kinds of readership. We just don’t necessarily respect anything from those folks to the west of us.

    Who said blogs were unbiased? This isn’t journalism. Just ask Buzz Bissinger. Take the fair and balanced talk over to http://www.foxnewscansuckmyass.com. Speaking of accuracy, you might want to try a little yourself. You didn’t beat LA Tech by 30. You beat them by 29. I mean, we’re keeping score for accuracy, right? And you are certainly right. LA Tech beat the tar out of the cream of the SEC crop the week before. That 8-point win over Mississippi State was impressive.

    You keep on reading, kansas boy.

  5. man – we really dislike ku

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