If you’re not a fan of a full-fledged cupcake and creampuff diet, you probably struggled to digest what took place in the first week of the college football season. Don’t worry, though. The fine folks at STQ are here to break down the action in the weekly Dean’s List and Paddle Line.
6. Ohio State
7. West Virginia
10. Texas Tech
12. Arizona State
16. South Florida
19. Wake Forest
21. Fresno State
2. Texas A&M
4. Virginia Tech
6. Louisville/Rutgers/rest of Big East
full breakdown of the reasoning behind the rankings after the jump
The Right Rev – Mark Sanchez is healthy. The defense still makes opponents unhealthy. Hey, WE TOLD YOU SO!
Smooth as Eggs – Something tells me Al Groh misses the NFL talent the Cavs had last year. USC – still stocked full.
Slow Jerk – Mark Sanchez is the best Latino QB in the NCAA’s this season. Wanna argue it?
Mad Handles – Reports out of Springdale are that USC would have scored 85 had Mitch Mustain been the starting QB.
Mad Handles – All that scoring, and Bradford only missed out on two car sale commissions. They call that a banner day in Norman.
Slow Jerk – I actually played Chattanooga by myself this summer and won by three scores.
Smooth as Eggs – YAWN!!!
The Right Rev – Why was this game played again? Remind me? To pad Bradford’s stats for his Heisman campaign?
The Right Rev – OK. I will no longer call Juice Williams “One-hop” Williams. But Illinois’ D couldn’t handle Missouri’s O – at less than its best. Missouri’s D still has some work to do, but most of its problems on D were miscommunication errors – and therefore correctable.
Smooth as Eggs – 52 points against a top 15 Dean’s List opponent and only about a B- performance from the offense. Opponents beware.
Slow Jerk – Seriously, they dropped 52 on a top 20 team and looked fairly pedestrian on offense.
Mad Handles – Elvis Fisher, starting LT. Any questions?
Mad Handles – The Bulldogs: No. 1 in Georgia, No. 1 in your hearts.
Slow Jerk – I’m so glad that Georgia Southern agreed to play a team with more lax academic standards.
Smooth as Eggs – One step down in proving to be the best team in the state.
The Right Rev – The DAWGS managed to stay out of jail. Will it last?
The Right Rev – Hawaii without Brennan and June Jones is almost as fragile as Percy Harvin. ALMOST.
Smooth as Eggs – I guess Hawaii is going to drop that goal of joining the SEC. Guess the southern-most team in college football just can’t play REAL FOOTBALL like they do down South.
Slow Jerk – Wow, Hawaii really could have used a rapist at QB.
Mad Handles – The Gators have a better supporting cast than a Coen brothers film.
6. Ohio State
Mad Handles – One question, though. Why was Beanie Wells still in the game in the second half?
Slow Jerk – Beanie Wells hurt his foot. Jim Tressel snagged his sweatervest on an errant nail in the shitter.
Smooth as Eggs – One step down in proving to be the best team in the state. Up next: Ohio.
The Right Rev – The second state university of Ohio tuned up for a matchup against the first state school. This won’t be pretty.
7. West Virginia
The Right Rev – Still can’t believe Villanova plays football. Do they use leather helmets?
Smooth as Eggs – Pat White threw for five touchdowns. Don’t start thinking the “little person” is now a quarterback, it had much more to do with Villanova than White suddenly being able to throw.
Slow Jerk – Yay – you’re faster than Villanova!
Mad Handles – Like I said, they still have Pat White.
Mad Handles – Even if they’d have lost this one, Michigan still would have stolen the limelight this week.
Slow Jerk – Are LSU fans really going to toot their horns about beating a D-1AA school? Or are their horns a little too wet for that? (yes, I still use the term “D-1AA” and that WAS a hurricane joke.)
Smooth as Eggs – The Tigers have now proven they were the true national champions last season. Either that, or unlike Michigan, LSU proved that Division I-A is better than I-AA.
The Right Rev – Just think how good LSU would be: 1) If they had a QB who wasn’t a walk-on from Harvard; 2) If that QB was a potential-reached Ryan Perrilloux.
The Right Rev – The real question won’t be answered for a while: How much will Muschamp improve the D?
Smooth as Eggs – Texas may be soft, but Florida Atlantic can make Colt McCoy look Vince Young-esque.
Slow Jerk – This game was quite arresting.
Mad Handles – Giving up 10 in the second quarter to FAU isn’t a good sign, but it happens. Can’t move ’em down yet.
10. Texas Tech
Mad Handles – Kingsbury…err… Symons… err… Harrell looks pretty good.
Slow Jerk – What’s new about this team? The fact that they made a terrible offense look good? That’s about as new as a Texas player getting arrested.
Smooth as Eggs – The improved defense allowed 24 against Eastern Washington. Pardon STQ if we’re not impressed.
The Right Rev – Texas Tech’s noncon schedule is like a broken record. Every year. Crabtree still is a beast, though.
The Right Rev – Yeah, I know what you’re thinking (unless you’re an SEC homer): Way too high. But who would you put here, genius?
Smooth as Eggs – The Tigers’ new-fangled spread offense looks a whole lot like the Tigers’ time-tested boring-as-hell offense.
Slow Jerk – They played this weekend? huh.
Mad Handles – Hey, they handled LA-Monroe, so shut up, Bama fans.
12. Arizona State
Mad Handles – Sam Keller? Shoot, Helen Keller would have looked good vs. Northern Arizona.
Slow Jerk – Sam Keller would have looked good in this game.
Smooth as Eggs – Against overmatched Lumberjacks, Rudy Carpenter is a dual-threat. Probably won’t work quite as well in two weeks.
The Right Rev – Rudy Carpenter running the ball. Really? That’s a great plan. I’m sure his OL will keep him healthy. Great plan.
The Right Rev – BYU struggled more with Northern Iowa than they should have, especially considering this game wasn’t in the glorious UNIDome. Keep an eye on the Fighting Moromons. Their BCS buster hopes might be overstated.
Smooth as Eggs – Mormons are better than Iowans. I think we already knew that.
Slow Jerk – The possible cinderellas of the BCS looked OK. Too bad they’ll want multiple cinderellas.
Mad Handles – The Fighting Warners played BYU’s second stringers even. If it weren’t for that pesky first team.
Mad Handles – I’m confused. Is Donovan McNabb playing for Illinois, now? Whatever. Illinois will beat Ohio State again this year.
Slow Jerk – Mizzou made Juice look good – but they did score more points on Mizzou than any team will all year.
Smooth as Eggs – Juice Williams might have improved as a passer. But shit, Jim Dougherty could’ve completed most of those passes.
The Right Rev – Who’s Jim Dougherty, you ask? Ask Kirk Farmer. Illinois’ D=overrated. Illinois O=underrated.
The Right Rev – I still hate you Bielema. Can I borrow Travis Beckum for a few games and show you how to use him? (see: Coffman, Chase).
Smooth as Eggs – Still boring.
Slow Jerk – Wisky looked dec………………………WHA?? shit. sorry guys, i fell asleep thinking about the Badgers.
Mad Handles – Wisky stays… for now.
16. South Florida
Mad Handles – It’s still weird seeing “South Florida” in a top anything list.
Slow Jerk – Mizzou educated coaches usually do well. Well, as long as their last name isn’t Barnett.
Smooth as Eggs – The second-best team in Florida continues tuning up for those red-legged bastards against red-headed stepsibling UCF.
The Right Rev – THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE … really good team in Florida other than the Big Three. Hey, UCF: It ain’t you.
The Right Rev – Phil Knight is creaming himself, probably from watching freshman QB Chris Harper (visions of Dennis Dixon II), though it could be from the great break he just got on slave labor in Thailand…
Smooth as Eggs – So, they destroyed Washington. Slow Jerk’s softball team could destroy Washington. Also, Oregon wears ugly uniforms. Almost bad enough to be dropped to the Paddle Line.
Slow Jerk – Nike U didn’t really play a game this weekend. It was one big commerical. Didn’t you see LeBron dunking on Ty Willingam?
Mad Handles – Chris Harper is going to be a force. Ugly uniforms, though. Can’t say that enough.
Mad Handles – I picked this one. I’m kinda proud of that. And yet, I also feel dirty.
Slow Jerk – Bama had offense. That means that the ACC is just a effin’ terrible league, man. John Parker Wilson is a soap opera actor, not a QB.
Smooth as Eggs – John Parker Wilson looked like a good quarterback. Still not sure if that’s because Alabama has improved that much, or because the ACC – even the league’s best – sucks that bad.
The Right Rev – Clemson made Front Mullet look like a legit QB (improved offensive weapons might have helped, too). Somewhere, Tommy Bowden is sobbing on the phone, “But Daddy, I tried so hard. Why can’t I win.” In related news, Rush Propst also is sobbing after seeing “his boy” JPW step it up, just like that game against Tuscumbia back in 2004…
19. Wake Forest
The Right Rev – How does Jim Grobe do it? And how long before Nebraska fans realize Pelini over Grobe was a mistake?
Smooth as Eggs – Meet the ACC’s newest best team. And the Demon Deacons are also led by the league’s best coach.
Slow Jerk – The ACC is theirs for the taking.
Mad Handles – I guess they’re ok.
Mad Handles – The Utes are here because of… the way they got here. Make sense?
Slow Jerk – Poor Michigan. Ann Arbor is, according to those in the know, a whore.
Smooth as Eggs – The Mountain West is better than the Big 11. Which means it’s also better than the ACC and Big East.
The Right Rev – Utah QB Brian Johnson is the third-best spread QB in the country (behind Tebow and Daniel). Cullen Harper, eat your heart out.
21. Fresno State
The Right Rev – Thank you, Fresno State, for taking the first step towards moving Rutgers back to irrelevancy in the post-Ray Rice era. Penn State fans should be happy (Schiano is coming your way soon).
Smooth as Eggs – Chase Coffman may be the best tight end in the country (and seriously, how can anyone have watched the 6-foot-7 freak hurdle an Illinois defender and not come away thinking he’s the best?), but the best named tight end – Bear Pascoe.
Slow Jerk – If your coach looks like your mascot – bravo hiring committee.
Mad Handles – Fresno State keeps making other programs look stupid. It’s funny.
Mad Handles – It’s not your fault, Clemson. Saban made a deal with the devil.
Slow Jerk – Hi. I’m Clemson. I’m supposed to be a nat’l title contender. I just lost convincingly to a team with a QB who reminds the writer of this little section of the kid from Home Improvement. Damn.
Smooth as Eggs – Forget about that Cullen Harper for Heisman campaign. Ignore the fact that the Tigers have two star RBs in Spiller and Davis, all one needs to know is that Tommy Bowden still coaches in Clemson.
The Right Rev – Haven’t we heard this story before? Betting on Clemson to live up to expectations is like betting on Lindsay Lohan to stop being a lesbian… wait a second.
2. Texas A&M
The Right Rev – Arkansas State barely is a D-I school. Mike Sherman is a cranky old man. Stephen McGee is not a WCO QB. This is going to get ugly.
Smooth as Eggs – Maybe Fran wasn’t a terrible coach. Maybe it’s just that aTm just sucks. How else to explain a loss to Arkansas State?
Slow Jerk – Sherman would have had a better time as Packers coach during Favre’s pissy fit.
Mad Handles – Poor aTm. They’ll be BIG players in this season’s free agent… err… recruiting market.
Mad Handles – Moustache rides, five cents.
Slow Jerk – I called this one. Even finished.
Smooth as Eggs – At one time, there wasn’t much shame in losing to Bowling Green since the Falcons had a guy named Urban Meyer on the sidelines. Now, though, the Panthers should be ashamed. Kudos to Professor Slow Jerk for making eye contact with this game.
The Right Rev – The power of the mustache (And the McCoy) failed Pitt in Week 1. The Big East sucks, folks.
4. Virginia Tech
The Right Rev – Remind me again why Tyrod Taylor is redshirting? You’re better than this, Beamer.
Smooth as Eggs – Sean Glennon is the worst QB in NCAA football. Sean Glennon plays, the Hokies lose – even to a team coached by a Holtz. It’s that easy.
Slow Jerk – Why the holy hell do you redshirt Tyrod Taylor?
Mad Handles – I love ’em for it, though. It makes that kansas victory in the Orange Bowl all the less impressive.
Mad Handles – Seriously, how stupid is Fulmer to ever agree to an opener against UCLA at the Rose Bowl? Pwned!
Slow Jerk – This is how the post-Erik Ainge Era starts? Weird, seems to me to be a LOT like the Erik Ainge Era.
Smooth as Eggs – Add this to the mounting evidence that shows the SEC doesn’t automatically crush the other major conferences.
The Right Rev – Seriously, how do you 1) lose a game in which you had 4 INTs in one half; 2) only lead that game by four at halftime; 3) miss a FG in the first OT?; 4) think scheduling this game was a good idea in the first place?
6. Louisville/Rutgers/Big East
The Right Rev – HORRIBLE conference. Two good teams, six shitty teams. Simple. Who wants to be the first one to re-enter the talks about them being stripped on an automatic BCS berth? Oh, does saying that make ME the first?
Smooth as Eggs – First, I just want to say, how bad must Pitt be to get their own line. Secondly, Steve Kragthorpe was a top up-and-coming coach when he took over at Louisville before last season. Now, the former Tulsa head man is on the hot seat. Getting destroyed by Rich Brooks doesn’t help matters. Lastly, The end to a nightmare weekend for the Big East – Rutgers getting shredded by Fresno State.
Slow Jerk – Man, how the “mighty” Cardinals and Scarlet Knights have fallen.
Mad Handles – At least the folks in Lexington can pronounce it properly now. “LOU-a-vul.” Or “Loser.” Either way. Also, Schiano’s not so smart these days, eh?
Mad Handles – Do you need to ask?
Slow Jerk – Pieces of shit. All of them.
Smooth as Eggs – (EDITED FOR CONTENT)
The Right Rev – I would put them here solely out of hate, but kU’s offense looked bad even in a blowout, with fewer than 300 yards of total offense. kU couldn’t run the ball at all (Even with JUCO all-american and statutory rapist Hall of Famer Jacques Crawford) and Reesing didn’t have time to throw. Uh-oh…