Good afternoon, sportsfans. Every week the one and only Slow Jerk will prepare you for the upcoming week in college sports. There will be a Review Session for the five things we’ve learned, and a Study Guide for the upcoming week. Be sure to get a solid 8, go over both pieces of literature, and for the love of all that is holy don’t cheat. You don’t want to be on academic probation – especially when the only way out is to stand between Mark Mangino and a hamburger shaped as an even bigger hamburger.
STQ Week One Review
1. Listen to your doctor – beware the cupcake. Imagine Mike Sherman’s first day on the job at Texas A&M. He settles into his office, tapes a picture of Brett Favre to his ceiling, knocks one out, and then checks out the schedule. “Arkansas State? Sweet, maybe I can get that Javorskie kid to lose some weight before that game and build his confidence. Great game to get my troops motivated.” Weeks go by, practices start, they “gameplan” for Arkansas State by looking to week 2, and finally gametime is here. “Let’s tune up, fellas.” By “tune up” he means “embarrass ourselves, our state, and our conference. By “fellas” he means the questionable dudes who call themselves yell leaders. Now he’s got the New York Jets locker room on speed dial and thinking of recruiting a yell dude at QB.
2. Can we play you on Xbox and not on the field? – Looks like it will take a game played at the “freshman” level on NCAA 09 to beat the Mizzou Tigers this year. They had a tough opponent in Illinois. Chase Daniel maybe had a B- game, throwing questionable slants in traffic. The Mizzou secondary was as porous as Britney Spears’ diaphram. Jeremy Maclin hurt himself. Still, they hung 52 points on what a silly Illinois writer dubbed “the best Illini D ever?” – all while allowing 42 points. Seven of those points were scored with no time left on the clock. That’s like when the Texas Rangers would be getting their asses kicked and decided to let Jose Canseco pitch. Point is – Mizzou will be damn hard to beat this year.
3. Can we still apply for Division 1-AA status? – The ACC is terrible. Yes, it is OK to come to this conclusion after the first week. The default “best” team of the conference, Clemson, got EMBARRASSED by an OK ‘bama team. NC State got shut out by a team who’s QB is named Smelly. Virginia lost to USC (ok, fine). VT got beat by Eastern Carolina, and people acted like it wasn’t an upset. Which it isn’t. Which pretty much tells you where the ACC is. Wake Forest can run away with this conference by the conference season. I mean, Maryland beat Delaware by SEVEN POINTS. The ACC is a lot like Creed. I mean, My Own Prison was a dope album. Kind of like a few years ago when the ACC was a rising conference. Now, Scott Stapp gets drunk and hits women and sings about crap nobody cares about. And the ACC would look better if it hit women and drank like mad.
4. It’s French for slient – “paus-ee” – Did you get a chance to listen to any of the broadcasting this weekend? There was not one game that was called competently or interestingly. Sure, Erin Andrews gets me more excited than Aqib Talib at the free clinic, but where’s the content? Am I right to say that Doug effing Flutie provides the best analysis? Even though it hurts me to say it? There was some bastard during the MU/IL game who told us that Isaiah Williams’ grandma called him “Juice” because he was, and I can’t type this in an old grandma voice so bear with me, “a Juicy Baby.” REALLY? You get paid to say this shit on national cable television? Next someone will call a touchdown “room service with a chocolate on the pillow…” Damn. That happened too. At least Pam Ward was screaming during the ‘Cuse/NW game and no one had to hear.
5. Are you there God? It’s me, RichRod – Michigan should have shredded their gameplan instead of RichRod’s old WV files. Would have served them better. Utah is a good team, don’t get me wrong. But at this rate, Michigan is probably 6th in the Big Televen. The running theme (gag) is about who will have a better season: Michigan or Notre Dame. We haven’t seen the Golden Domers play yet, but I’d have to put my money on Pussbag Claussen and the Overrateds at this point. Nothing about Michigan made the game of football proud Saturday.
1. Doppler radar can’t pick up a blitz, either – Weather will again play a factor this weekend. Be it the remnants of Gustav, the fury of Hanna, or the gusts of Ike, games will be changed. Will earlier start times and/or venue changes change the outcome of a game? It is possible. In the long run, the games that may be hit by this act of God probably won’t matter, but hopefully everyone that is cheering now will have a place to cheer come bowl season.
2. Three feet = One yard – there are three All American feet causing concern. Beanie Wells, Jeremy Maclin, and William Moore all left Saturday with some kind of ding to their wheels (ok, ankles are part of the foot, dammit). Wells is questionable. Do they chance it against Ohio U? Probably not. Maclin and Moore are probable against SEMO. Do they chance playing? You bet. Ohio State only has to win to get to the BCS. Mizzou, unfairly or not, has to not only win but crush shizz on the way. I don’t think that a 35-3 victory is good enough. Pinkel needs to put on his best Stoops impersonation and throw up 70 without breaking a sweat. Let’s see what happens.
3. Let’s write shit down in chalk – Don’t look for many upsets in week 2. Could Troy go into LSU and win? Well, no. Could Texas Tech go to Nevada and lay an egg? Probably not. Could Stanford go into ASU and pull out a win? Doubtful. If you have to pick an upset for week 2, if you just HAVE to, look at East Carolina. They host West Virginia. Not sold on WVU here at STQ. ECU looked pretty good against VT. The hater in me wants to tell you that San Diego State will beat Notre Dame.
4. You keep your douchebag in those pants? – UCLA is off this week. Does Neuheisel put out another ad taunting Scary Ray and the rest of USC? Does he call UT’s QB at 3am and ask if he’s “Straight Outta Crompton” all the while humming the UCLA fight song? Well I’ll do one of Ricky Boy’s favorite things – bet you that they get embarrassed by BYU in two weeks.
5. I swear they’re fast, like, fast fast – who’s better – the SEC or the Big 12? Their games against shit teams will actually show you a little bit. As in, the SEC QB’s will look like Big 12 QB’s only because they are playing defenses that couldn’t keep McLovin’ from scoring all over the place. The Big 12 will prove itself to be the best conference top-down, that is if Texas A&M can stop playing soccer and realize that it’s football.