STQ Week 1 Pop Quiz

Here at Streaking the Quad, we try and make sure our college experts stay on top of the game. So, each week during the season, we’ll put that knowledge to the test with the weekly breakdowns of the biggest games across the land.

Mad Handles

Slow Jerk

SmoothasEggs

The Right Rev

(23) Wake Forest at Baylor

Wake 31-10

Wake 23-17

Wake 24-13

Wake 27-13

Youngstown at (2) Ohio St.

tOSU 42-3

tOSU 39-7

tOSU 38-3

tOSU 38-10

Akron at (13) Wisconsin

Wisc. 24-14

Wisc. 19-13

Wisc. 24-6

Wisc. 28-14

(17) VaTech at East Carolina

VT 48-3

VT 37-22

ECU 28-(-4)

ECU 21-17

C. Carolina at (22) Penn St.

PSU 38-12

PSU 44-14

PSU 43-7

PSU 40-9

Bowling Green at (25) Pitt

Pitt 24-21

BG 27-25

Pitt 35-17

Pitt 32-11

Georgia Southern at (1) UGA

UGA 45-0

UGA 40-10

UGA 44-14

UGA 45-3

Hawaii at (5) Florida

UF 41-7

UF 88-18

UF 55-10

UF 49-17

(3) USC at Virginia

USC 31-27

USC 37-24

USC 48-14

USC 38-7

Villanova at (8) WVU

WVU 42-12

WVU 39-37

WVU 38-8

WVU 56-10

Appalachian State at (7) LSU

LSU 38-14

LSU 31-17

LSU 29-10

LSU 38-23

Northern Iowa at (16) BYU

BYU 35-13

BYU 38-13

BYU 41-2

BYU 48-28

Chattanooga at (4) OU

OU 48-6

OU 44-6

OU 70-0

OU 44-6

UL-Monroe at (10) Auburn

Aub. 38-17

Aub. 33-17

Aub. 17-8

Aub. 35-10

FAU at (11) Texas

UT 41-3

UT 55-14

UT 44-14

UT 45-20

E. Wash. at (12) TexTech

Tech 77-33

Tech 40-29

Tech 88-28

Tech 69-12

FIU at (14) kansAss

ku 52-17

ku 31-22

FIU 2-(-999)

FIU 1M-2

UT-Martin at (19) USF

USF 38-23

USF 49-14

USF 38-3

USF 31-3

(24) Bama vs. (9) Clemson

Bama 28-21

Clem. 6-3

Clem. 24-8

Clem. 38-19

(20) Illinois vs. (6) Missouri

Mizzou 44-24

Mizzou 49-21

Mizzou 40-24

Mizzou 30-12

NAU at (15) Arizona St.

ASU 33-10

ASU 31-16

ASU 32-7

ASU 29-12

Washington at (21) Oregon

Wash. 38-35

Wash. 31-28

UO 20-16

UO 49-17

(18) Tennessee at UCLA

Tenn. 31-24

UCLA 30-22

Tenn. 18-12

Tenn. 24-21

S. Dakota State at Iowa State

ISU 14-10

ISU 23-14

ISU 8-5

ISU 27-19

Okie State at Wazzu

OSU 28-21

OSU 29-21

OSU 43-34

OSU 33-15

W. Michigan at Nebraska

UNL 35-28

UNL 31-14

UNL 4-3

UNL 17-16

Arkansas State at aTm

aTm 28-26

aTm 29-3

aTm 285-15

aTm 24-10

N. Texas at Kansas State

KSU 31-28

KSU 23-21

KSU 11-10

KSU 36-18

Colorado State at Colorado

CU 35-24

CU 21-17

CU 23-20

CU 19-12

NC State at South Carolina

USCe 28-14

USCe 35-29

USCe 17-15

USCe 22-7

Syracuse at Northwestern

Cuse 28-14

NW 17-14

NW 2-0

NW 39-10

Utah at Michigan

Mich. 31-17

Utah 22-21

Utah 27-16

Utah 37-20

Michigan State at Cal

Cal 28-24

Cal 33-17

Cal 23-22

Cal 20-14

Memphis at Ole Miss

Mem. 34-17

Mem. 25-21

Mem. 6-5

Miss. 28-21

Kentucky at Louisville

UL 28-17

UL 99-82

UL 50-49

UL 38-35

Fresno State at Rutgers

FSU 34-17

FSU 33-17

FSU 30-12

FSU 31-27

The full analysis from the snarkiest college buffs around is after the jump.

Top 25
Thursday
(23) Wake Forest at Baylor

Mad Handles – But who cares? It’s pretty clear the real games don’t begin until Saturday.Wake 31, Baylor 10

Slow Jerk – Wake Forest is ranked!  Baylor sucks!  However, this isn’t a cakewalk for the deacons.  Expect a good game of an overrated team and a not-at-all-thought-about team. Wake 23, Baylor 17

Smooth as Eggs – When SEC fans claim that others don’t play real football, it comes from watching Baylor. On the other hand, Wake Forest is probably the only team in the country to have more wins than offensive plays. Seriously, the Deacons run like five plays. I think they draw the shit up in the dirt like back in the day. Wake 24, Baylor 13

The Right Rev – Jim Grobe is a helluva coach. Too good to still be at Wake Forest. Wake 27, Baylor 13

Saturday
Youngstown State at (2) Ohowihate

Mad Handles – This is the kind of game Ohio State looks good in… unlike, say, BCS title games against two-loss opponents.Youngstown 3, OSU 42

Slow Jerk – The only way ohio state loses this game is if somehow they all die in a freakish dirty razor accident trying to shave their heads in unison to all be more like James “I’m a Douchebag” Larunatius. YMCA-State 7, theSECONDstateUinOhio 39

Smooth as Eggs – Call this the power of the Sweater Vest. One team excels at hammering other men. Heacock should have followed Tressel’s (gay) lead. Ohowihateohio State 38, Youngstown 3

The Right Rev – The second state university of Ohio will outclass random liberal arts state university, just like they always do, and it will be closer than it should for a while, just like it always is. To celebrate, Jim Tressel will hand out ice cream to small children while smiling creepily at them. DON’T GO IN THE VAN! 2NDSTATEU 38, Youngstown 10

Akron at (13) Wisconsin

Mad Handles – A game that is once again way closer than it should be. No surprises, though. Wisconsin’s “you’d be better off sticking toothpicks in your eyeballs than watch this” offense has a way of doing that. In the end, it has an annoying habit of coming out on top, but we’re all dumber for having witnessed it. Akron 14, Wisconsin 24

Slow Jerk – Akron is in the MAC.  MAC teams have had success playing up to their opponents in the past.  Wisky has this thing where they play boring, plodding football and play down to teams.  Expect there to be at least 5 suicides by viewers of this game. Akron 13, Wisky 19

Smooth as Eggs – I keep hearing about how Akron is awesome. Personally, I just think it is an Ohio homer talking out his ass. Wisconsin proves it – in normal boring as shit Big 11 style. Wisconsin 24, Akron 6

The Right Rev – Newsflash, Bielema: It’s the 21st century. You can do something besides the run ball up the gut. Your football bores me. Wisconsin 28, Akron 14

(17) VaTech at East Carolina

Mad Handles – Poor ECU. VaTech’s last loss was ugly. Presumably still too busy laughing at the absurdity of facing something called kansas in a BCS game, they watched sawed-off quarterback Todd Reesing pick them apart last January. VaTech probably isn’t in good humor these days. Again, poor ECU. VaTech 48, ECU 3

Slow Jerk – ECU always reminds me of one of those fake teams in movies.  I expect them to have Sinbad on their team and for the guy from Quantum Leap to be their QB who has eligibility left after leaving the game and throwing footballs in a field.  VT is one of those teams that is good, but they ain’t THAT good.  ECU makes this one close. VT 37, ECU 22

Smooth as Eggs – In a move that makes no sense and belies how smart Frank Beamer actually is, the Hokies have named Sean Glennon as their starting QB. Good news for the Pirates, who will overcome the fact that they are coached by a Holtz. East Carolina 28, Glennons -4 (as in interceptions thrown)

The Right Rev – VaTech’s top 25 ranking is going to disappear as quickly as a Twinkie at Mark Mangino’s house with Tyrod Taylor redshirting and Sean “I spot the other team ten points a game with INTs” Glennon running the show. It starts with an opening weekend upset. East Carolina 21, VaTech 17

Coastal Carolina at (22) Penn State

Mad Handles – JoePa might not know what year it is anymore. He might consider the wishbone a newfangled gimmick offense, but he doesn’t lose to directional schools from the Carolinas. Coastal Carolina 12, Penn St. 38

Slow Jerk – JoePa was probably alive the last time Coastal Carolina won a championship.  What’s that you say?  They’ve never won anything?  Well, JoePa will TELL you they won back in ’44 when Abe Lincoln and the guy on the nickel played both ways and were coached by the Green Guy from Tron.  He’s old, folks. Give him the benefit of the doubt. CC 14, PSU 44

Smooth as Eggs – Joe Paterno has been coaching longer than Coastal Carolina has been a state. What’s that? Coastal Carolina isn’t a state. Rather, it’s one of those directional schools, except it screwed that up, too. Paterno ties Bowden for most wins all-time, further guaranteeing that neither man will step down anytime soon. Penn State 43, Coastal Carolina 7

The Right Rev – JoePa will get confused at some point and possibly get run over on the sidelines. And his collection of talent will take it down. Penn State 40, Coastal Carolina 9

Bowling Green at (25) Pitt

Mad Handles – Some yahoos pick this as an upset. This isn’t Urban Meyer’s Bowling Green anymore. Pitt stays in the top 25… this week. Bowling Green 21, Pitt 24

Slow Jerk – UPSET, BABY – That’s right, Pitt.  You’re not getting off to a good start this season.  Not even your coach’s fantastic mustache can help prevent this upset.  Remember what I said about MAC schools?  Well, Pitt is overhyped.  The MAC is essentially the Big East without the basketball prowess. BGSU 27 – Pitt 25
Smooth as Eggs – Dave Wannestedt may be the worst coach (not named Bill Callahan) ever. Bowling Green played in the GMAC Bowl. Seriously, what is the GMAC Bowl? In other words, welcome to the LeSean McCoy show. Pitt 35, Bowling Green 17

The Right Rev – Pitt=LeSean McCoy, Wanny’s mustache and not a lot else. Bowling Green=MAC school. McCoy>>>entire MAC conference. Pitt 32, Bowling Green 11

GaSouthern at (1) UGA

Mad Handles – UGA wins the battle for superiority in the Peach State. Does anyone remember when GaTech had a team? GaSouthern 0 – UGA 45

Slow Jerk – All 40 points are scored on defense or field goals.  Matthew Stafford goes 3-26 for 42 yards and a pick.  Knowshon Moreno punches Stafford in the face, Mark Richt calls it “planned” since his team was playing flat.  Knowshon calls it real talk, son. GS 10, UGA 40

Smooth as Eggs – Half of Georgia’s team has been arrested in the past six months. Yet, it’s Georgia Southern that has suspended eight players for the opener. Manspooning Crime Dawgs 44, Georgia Southern 14

The Right Rev – UGA only loses this game in NCAA 2009 while Matt Stafford man-spoons Joe Cox. UGA 45, Georgia Southern 3

Hawaii at (5) Florida

Mad Handles – I’m pretty sure this game is the reason why June Jones got the hell out of Hawaii this past offseason. How else do you explain a jump to SMU? Also, word is that God himself appeared in a vision to Tim Tebow and told him this game kicks off his second straight Heisman trophy campaign. Early indications are that the Supreme Being declined to give Tebow a personality, however. Hawaii 7, Florida 41

Slow Jerk – How do you make a team come down to earth?  Have them start the year off at Florida after getting raped Colt-Brennen-In-Colorado style in the biggest game of their lives.  Hawaii has about as much chance of winning this game as we have of ever hearing Don Imus refer to native Hawaiians as “Americans” – he’s racist is the gist of this comment. Hawaii 18, UF 88

Smooth as Eggs – Hawaii allowed like 50 points to a team quarterbacked by Matthew Stafford. Now they face Superman. Hawaii takes a huge step toward becoming the Rainbow Warriors again after the Gators Colt Brennan (sexually assault) them. Florida 55, Hawaii 10

The Right Rev – Hawaii couldn’t beat an SEC team WITH June Jones and Colt Brennan. The Rev smells another blowout. Florida 49, Hawaii 17

(3) USC at Virginia

Mad Handles – The big question right now? Who will be UVA’s starting QB? Doesn’t matter. Virginia’s bid for an upset goes down hard when Maualuga stuffs the unlucky signal caller’s head up his own ass, killing a key 4th quarter drive. USC 31, Virginia 27

Slow Jerk – Trap game?  Nah.  UVA will hang for a while, but they have no answer to the five-star talent and giant pocketbook of Pete Carroll’s boys.  Virginia’s only chance is if, well, shit.  Nothing. I’ve got nothing. USC 37, UVA 24

Smooth as Eggs – Is Al Groh still coaching Virginia? And Pete Carroll is still the head Trojan, right? USC 48, Virginia 4

The Right Rev – USC assaults the Cavaliers like Mark Sanchez at the bars following a few drinks. USC 38, Virginia 7

Villanova at (8) West Virginia

Mad Handles – No more RichRod, but the Mountaineers still have Pat White and Noel Devine, right? Nova wishes it weren’t true. Villanova 12, West Virginia 42

Slow Jerk – Uh oh, the “best” of the Big East almost shits themselves.  WVU, without the giant oaf with the cleft palate, lacks toughness.  Pat White is 4-foot-4 and weighs 59 pounds.  They are fast, but this will prove they are nothing without Rich “Greasy” Rod. ‘Nova 37, WVU 39

Smooth as Eggs – Villanova plays football? I know the Wildcats are pretty decent hooping it up, but who knew that they played pigskin in Philly. WVU 38, Villanova 8

The Right Rev – Ugly. Just ugly. Unless Nova convinces WVU to let Kerry Kittles come shoot FTs on the sideline and add a point to Nova’s score for each made FT. WVU 56, Villanova 10

AppState at (7) LSU

Mad Handles – Sorry, AppState, you only catch lightning in a bottle once and Les Miles does NOT want to go out like Lloyd Carr. Michigan fans would probably enjoy seeing this upset, though. It’d take the badge of shame off of them, and help make them feel better about not landing Miles at the Big House. RichRod is a nice consolation, though. App State 14, LSU 38

Slow Jerk – Could it be?  Could they do it two years in a row?  No.  Only because Les Miles will be at a point where he goes on fourth down three times in one drive and barely makes it twice, doesn’t once but the officials are on the SEC’s payroll (aren’t we all?). ApSt 17, LSU 31

Smooth as Eggs – I know this game is being hyped as a battle of national champs, but Appalachian State is still a minor league team (ending Lloyd Carr’s career included). Oh yeah, have I mentioned anywhere that LSU’s quarterback transferred from Harvard. LSU 29, AppState 10

The Right Rev – It’s in Baton Rouge. At night. (oooh, scary). LSU 38, AppState 23

Northern Iowa at (16) BYU

Mad Handles – I’ll be honest. The only thing I know about Northern Iowa is that Kurt Warner once stocked groceries there. Err… played QB there BEFORE stocking groceries… before winning a kick-ass Super Bowl with the Rams. Northern Iowa 13, Bring ’em Young 35

Slow Jerk – BYU is this year’s Hawaii is last year’s BSU is the year before’s Utah.  Northern Iowa is every year’s Northern Iowa. NIU 13, BYU 38

Smooth as Eggs – If Iowa and Iowa State are any indication, Northern Iowa sucks. Just at a much smaller (or I guess in this case, larger) level. Also, Bronco Mendenhall. Remember that shit. Legendary coaching name. BYU 41, Northern Iowa 2

The Right Rev – Don’t mess with the Fighting Mormons, man. BYU 48, Northern Iowa 28

Chattanooga at (4) Oklahoma

Mad Handles – Sam Bradford takes a 3 hour break from his shift at the local car dealership to demolish a team whose name my 3-year-old believes is the sound a train makes. Chattanooga 6, Oklahoma 48

Slow Jerk – Auston English will eat three Chattanooga scholarship offensive linemen before halftime. Chatt 6, OU 44

Smooth as Eggs – Well, since this is August and not a bowl game, the Fighting Stoops will be quite ready to play. Also, Chattanooga will probably blow its load in about two pumps. (I know the 2-pump chump no longer dwells in Chattanooga, but it still fits.) Oklahoma 70, Chattanooga 0

The Right Rev – Here’s another ugly one; Chattanooga’s only chance is if the people from the “special” kids home take Sam Bradford away at halftime (you know, because he looks like he is retarded). Oklahoma 44, Chattanooga 6

UL-Monroe at (10) Auburn

Mad Handles – My grandpa had a buddy named Monroe. He was a pretty good guy. We called him “Uncle Monroe.” Thanks for the nice memory. UL-Monroe 17, Auburn 38

Slow Jerk – booooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring. ULM 17, Auburn 33
Smooth as Eggs – Welcome to real football Warhawks. Auburn17, UL-Monroe 8

The Right Rev – Seems easy, right? But ULM knocked off the mighty Bammers last year. That means they have a chance, doesn’t it? Nope. It means Bama sucks more than Nick Saban’s exit interviews. Auburn 35, UL-Monroe 10

Florida Atlantic at (11) Texas

Mad Handles – Would the last Big 12 team to have its way with Florida Atlantic please give it cab fare home? Florida Atlantic 3, Texas 41

Slow Jerk – these are the games Texas wins and then people start hooking their own horns about how great they are, then they get romped by ksu.  You’ve seen it happen.  Please don’t fall into this trap. FAU 14, UT 55

Smooth as Eggs – Howard Schnellenberger calls Texas weak. Texas responds by likely killing an Owl or two. Texas 44, FAU 14

The Right Rev – Yawn. Texas 45, FAU 20

Eastern Washington at (12) Texas Tech

Mad Handles – This will be the most Eastern Washington scores all season. See, “improvement” on defense at Texas Tech means you’re no longer surrendering 40+ against shit opponents. Eastern Washington 33, Texas Tech 77

Slow Jerk – Texas Tech being hyped as a BCS team?  Why?  Their defense is going to look exposed against an Eastern Washington team that, well, I know nothing about.  Darlings my ass. EWU 29, TTU 40

Smooth as Eggs – Michael Crabtree caught 134 passes as a redshirt freshman last year. The freak grabs about 90 in this one alone. Also, Mike Leach is a pirate. Tech 88, Eastern Washington 28

The Right Rev – Harrell to Crabtree, touchdown. Will happen about another 20 times this year, 3-4 in this game. Enjoy it while you can, Tech fans. Tech 69, Eastern Washington 12

Florida International at (14) kansAss

Mad Handles – kansas still wins this one big, even though they thought they were scheduling Florida Atlantic again. They’re not really on top of things in Lawrence. Florida International 17, kU 52

Slow Jerk – ku again starts off with a humdinger.  they’ll beat this team, but it won’t be pretty, and pretty soon you’ll start hearing things like “ku might not be that good” – so that means you’ll start hearing the truth.  COME TO YOUR SENSES, PEOPLE – THIS TEAM AIN’T THAT GOOD. FIU 22, ku 31

Smooth as Eggs – kansAss sucks. The Golden Panthers lost their first 11 games last year by an average of almost 30 points per game, Florida International learns what a winning streak looks like. FIU 2, kansAss -99999999999999999999999999999

The Right Rev – A little introduction. The Right Rev hates kansas university, and so does God. I will NEVER pick kansas to win. Ever. FIU 1 million, kansas 2

UT-Martin at (19) South Florida

Mad Handles – How many schools are in the UT system? Um… at least one too many. I’m looking at you, UT-Martin. UT-Martin 23, South Florida 38

Slow Jerk – USF is legit.  Well, legit enough to win the pathetic big east.  Leavitt is a monster. University of Tee Martin (second Tee Martin reference in this blog) 14, USF 49

Smooth as Eggs – I’ve watched UT-Martin play before. I think SEMO whipped them. SEMO isn’t very good. South Florida is. Bad news for the Skyhawks (although, they were the Pacers back in the day). USF 38, UT-Martin 3

The Right Rev – The Bulls might have borrowed Texas’ ‘hook ’em’ salute, but Jim Leavitt’s team also has borrowed a lot of speedy players from Florida. USF 31, UT-Martin 3

(24) Alabama vs. (9) Clemson at Atlanta

Mad Handles – Finally, a decent game. Nick Satan has been promising the world to get recruits back in Tuscaloosa. It starts to pay off now. Alabama 28, Clemson 21

Slow Jerk – Even the words “alabama” and “clemson” together bore me. ‘bama 3, Clemson 6

Smooth as Eggs – Clemson has CJ Spiller. Alabama has John Parker Wilson. Clemson 24, Alabama 8

The Right Rev – Seriously, does anybody outside the south care about this game? How is Alabama ranked? Have we forgotten that they lost to ULM late last season? And that John Parker “Front Mullet” Wilson is their QB? Clemson 38, Alabama 19

(20) Illinois vs. (6) Missouri at St. Louis

Mad Handles – Illinois doesn’t score its first point until midway through the third quarter, after William Moore plants Juice Williams firmly back in 1993 and Eddie McGee comes in and makes some noise. Too little too late. Half of the Illinois fans go on to proclaim the game a victory because they “won the second half of the third quarter,” the other half makes irrelevant references to the basketball series. Losers. Illinois 24, Missouri 44

Slow Jerk – Statement game for Pinkel and the Tigers.  Juice Williams will play the entire game to the detriment of his offense. Illini 21, Mizzou 49

Smooth as Eggs – Juice Williams is still the Illinois quarterback. In other words, Arrelious Benn may be a freak of an athlete, but he won’t ever get the ball. On the other hand, the scariest man in college football, Jeremy Maclin will get his chances early and often. Missouri 40, Illinois 24

The Right Rev – Illinois made it a game last year, but that was with Juice “One-hop” Williams sitting the bench after getting an owie. More Juice is bad news for the Illini. So is Chase Daniel. And Jeremy Maclin. And William Moore. Missouri 30, Illinois 13

Northern Arizona at (15) Arizona State

Mad Handles – If only ASU had a guy like Sam Keller. Imagine what they could do with a guy like Sam Keller. Northern Arizona 10, Arizona State 33

Slow Jerk – Rudy Carpenter will blow out his knee. NA 16, ASU 31

Smooth as Eggs – Arizona State was smart enough to run off Sam Keller. Arizona State 32, Northern Arizona 7

The Right Rev – Rudy Carpenter slings the football like Sam Keller slings stuff at women. Arizona State 29, Northern Arizona 12

Washington at (21) Oregon

Mad Handles – I’m like the last guy on the planet who still believes in Ty Willingham. Plus, Jeebus has to start punishing Oregon for those uniforms sometime, right? Ugh. Washington 38, Oregon 35.

Slow Jerk – Yep.  Oregon will lose.  Why?  Never trust a leaf.  Even if he’s not starting. Washington 31, Oregon 28

Smooth as Eggs – Oregon started to suck when the Ducks lost Dennis Dixon. But, Washington just sucks. Start the Willingham Watch. Oregon 20, Washington 16

The Right Rev – Ty Willingham’s farewell tour begins here. Feel sorry for Jake Locker yet? You will… Oregon 49, Washington 17

Monday
(18) Tennessee at UCLA

Mad Handles – Who else wishes this were a basketball game? Tennessee 31, UCLA 24

Slow Jerk – Phil Fulmer, you’re on the clock. UT 22, UCLA 30

Smooth as Eggs – I wonder who Rick Neuheisel has picked in his pool? The Bruins will be on probation by halftime. Tennessee 18, UCLA 12

The Right Rev – Crompton will celebrate with some Peter Frampton tunes while frolicking through the Hamptons following this win. Tennessee 24, UCLA 21

Big 12
Thursday
South Dakota State at Iowa State

Mad Handles – Chizik is only slightly better on the sidelines than a box of Cheez-its. South Dakota State 10, Iowa State 14

Slow Jerk – Where’s Senaca Wallace when you need him? SDS 14, ISU 23

Smooth as Eggs – Finally, a team on Iowa State’s level.Iowa State 8, South Dakota State 5

The Right Rev – Fear the Chizik. Iowa State 27, South Dakota State 19

Saturday
Oklahoma State at Washington State

Mad Handles – I’m uninspired. OSU 28, Washington State 21

Slow Jerk – I’m a MAN – I’m 41! OSU 29, WSU 21

Smooth as Eggs – Mike Gundy mans up. Washington State’s coach is apparently Paul Wulff. Who knew? Oklahoma State 43, Washington State 34

The Right Rev – Oklahoma State’s Zac Robinson is the best QB you don’t know. He’s not a man, though. Oklahoma State 33, Washington State 15

Western Michigan at Nebraska

Mad Handles – Nub fans begin referring to Osborne, Pelini and Ganz as the “holy trinity” of college football. Yeah. They suck that much. Western Michigan 28, Nebraska 35

Slow Jerk – Nubs everywhere thinks this game actually means something.  Bo Pelini awarded Sainthood.  Dr. Tom Osborne uses the N-Word. WM 14, NU 31

Smooth as Eggs – The order has been restored. The Huskers are reBOrn. Nebraska 4, Western Michigan 3

The Right Rev – Remember the near Ball State fiasco last season? Yeah, think that. Nebraska 17, Western Michigan 16

Arkansas State at aTm

Mad Handles – Sherman’s march gets off to a slow start, but ends up with a W. If only Derrick Hall had been academically eligible. If only. Arky State 26, aTm 28

Slow Jerk – Javoriske Lane hurt himself, presumably eating a cheeseburger.  Won’t matter.  Arkansas State doesn’t have enough stations in practice. ASU 3, aTm 29

Smooth as Eggs – Arkansas State is changing their name to the Red Wolves. It doesn’t change the fact that they aren’t very good at football. aTm 285 (Javorskie Lane’s listed weight), Arkansas State 15 (players larger than Lane)

The Right Rev – The Aggies might be the only team whose starting QB is a worse passer than Juice Williams. And Mike Sherman is a cranky old man. aTm 24, Arkansas State 10

North Texas at Kansas State

Mad Handles – Josh Freeman is the No. 1 pick in the upcoming draft, in case you didn’t know. He wills his team of juco mercenaries to victory while Ron Prince calls his real estate agent. North Texas 28, KSU 31

Slow Jerk – What a great matchup of Community Colleges. North Texas 21, ksu 23

Smooth as Eggs – I want to pick North Texas. However, no matter how much of a coaching advantage the Mean Green have in Todd Dodge, the Purple Kittens will prevail behind the 2009 NFL Draft’s top pick, Josh Freeman. Kansas State 11, North Texas 10

The Right Rev – The self-proclaimed best QB in the Big 12 leads his team to victory, then self-proclaims kSU as the best team in the country. Hey, it makes as much sense as the first claim… Kansas State 36, North Texas 18

Sunday
Colorado State at Colorado

Mad Handles – I actually think Cody Hawkins looks good in this one… handing off the ball to Scott early and often. Colorado State 24, Colorado 35

Slow Jerk – Cody Hawkins wouldn’t be a D-1 QB if it weren’t for his dad. CSU 17, CU 21

Smooth as Eggs – Who was that long-haired quarterback Colorado State used to have? He looks like a Dan Hawkins player. A little bit wild, a little bit crazy. Colorado 23, Coloarado State 20

The Right Rev – It’s the annual rivalry game, but now that the Hawk has CU rolling, there won’t be too many upsets in the future for CSU. Colorado 19, Colorado State 12

OTHER
Thursday
NC State at South Carolina

Mad Handles – Do you ever wonder if Spurrier wishes he’d have just stayed at Florida? I mean, he’ll pull this one out, but the Gamecocks aren’t ever going to be anything close to what he had in Gainesville. Florida fans don’t care. NC State 14, South Carolina 28

Slow Jerk – Ol’ Ballcoach wins sloppy.  Surprise. NC State 29, USC 35

Smooth as Eggs – I can’t find a reason to care. South Carolina 17, NC State 15

The Right Rev – Harrison Beck, Harrison Beck. Where for art thou, Harrison Beck? Watching SCAR kick your team’s ass as Chuck D’Amato cries. South Carolina 22, NC State 7

Saturday
Syracuse at Northwestern

Mad Handles – Who wins the GPA battle, though? Syracuse 28, Northwestern 14

Slow Jerk – Is it bad when both teams are from BCS conferences yet combined won’t break the 5-win plateau? ‘Cuse 14, NW 17

Smooth as Eggs – An early entry in the contest for worst game between two major conference schools in history. Northwestern 2, Syracuse 0

The Right Rev – Gotta love Pat Fitzgerald (even though he doesn’t wear the neck roll anymore). Gotta hate Greg Robinson (even though he’s no longer ruining my Chiefs). Northwestern 39, Syracuse 10

Utah at Michigan

Mad Handles – Those used to seeing high-flying offenses out of RichRod should understand that the personnel at Michigan isn’t the best fit… and in his haste to destroy any incriminating evidence on his quick exit from Morgantown, there’s a good chance at least half of his playbook got shredded in the process. Utah 17, Michigan 31

Slow Jerk – Eat that, Big 10. Utah 22, Michigan 21

Smooth as Eggs – RichRod wants to run the spread at Michigan, yet doesn’t have the pieces. Utah runs the spread, and the Utes already have the pieces. Utah 27, Michigan 16

The Right Rev – Hail to the Uties, yes its hail to the Uties, hail to the Uties, for they’ve just knocked off Miiiii-chi-gan. Two opening season losses in a row at the Big House? Ouch. Utah 37, Michigan 20

Michigan State at Cal

Mad Handles – Cal gets it done. Michigan State fans cling to the good ol’ days. Michigan State 24, Cal 28

Slow Jerk – Didn’t Cal used to be good? MSU 17, Cal 33

Smooth as Eggs – An early entry in the contest for most mediocre game between two major conference schools in history. Cal 23, Michigan State 22

The Right Rev – Clear air gums up the gearheads from motor country. Cal 20, Michigan State 14

Memphis at Ole Miss

Mad Handles – Are there any more Mannings in the pipeline? No? Damn. Memphis 34, Ole Mess 17

Slow Jerk – “You can’t beat an SEC team at home!”  Unless it’s Ole Miss. Memphis 25, Ole Miss 21

Smooth as Eggs – Another reason the SEC isn’t as great as fans make it out to be. Memphis 6, Ole Miss 5

The Right Rev – Houston Nutt will win at the outset at Ole Miss, thanks to the talent Ed Orgeron lured to the Grove. Long term? Well, don’t get too excited. Ole Miss 28, Memphis 21

Sunday
Kentucky at Louisville

Mad Handles – Afterward, Cards fans try to give their Lexington cousins a lesson on proper southern pronunciation, repeatedly chanting “It’s LOU-a-vul. LOU-a-vul.” Kentucky 17, Louisville 28

Slow Jerk – This is for basketball season, right? UK 82, UL 99

Smooth as Eggs – This game was such a “big” game the past couple years. Too bad both have proven, once again, that they are actually basketball schools. Louisville 50, Kentucky 49

The Right Rev – Last year, this game meant something. Now, both teams suck. When does basketball season start? Louisville 38, Kentucky 35

Monday
Fresno State at Rutgers

Mad Handles – Somewhere, a shriveled up Don Imus rejoices. Fresno State 34, Rutgers 17

Slow Jerk – New hype vs. old hype.  Schiano is the biggest sucker in the land. FS 33, Rutgers 17

Smooth as Eggs – Rutgers wasn’t good the past two years. Ray Rice was. Fresno State 30, Rutgers 12

The Right Rev – Sorry, Rutgers’ fans. No Ray Rice means no more being a good team. Even in the Big East. Fresno State 31, Rutgers 27

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