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STQ Fall Semester 2008 Course Catalog: Big 12, SEC

Big 12 Conference

Conference Syllabus – Fall Semester 2008

Class Level – 5000

If you are a fan of scoring – and seriously, who isn’t – the Big 12 is the conference for you. Who will light up the scoreboards the best? Professor Smooth as Eggs puts the blitz on the Big 12.

South Standings:

  1. Oklahoma – Bob Stoops may be the nation’s top coach, unless it is January against a lesser foe from a lesser conference.
  2. Texas – Mack Brown is still the Longhorns’ coach. Vince Young is not Texas’ quarterback. In other words, the Longhorns will be overshadowed by Oklahoma.
  3. Texas Tech – Mike Leach is an offensive mastermind. However, the Red Raiders’ defense has more open holes than the Right Rev’s sister.
  4. Oklahoma State – Zac Robinson is the man for the Cowboys. Not a man, but the man. Too bad T. Boone Pickens can’t buy a legit defense.
  5. Texas A&M – The Aggies no longer are armed with the Powder Puff Girls, now that Martellus Bennett is disappointing in the NFL. However, Texas A&M still does have the largest RB in history in Javorskie Lane. Too bad Lane can’t play defense. Or Stephen McGee actually throw the football.
  6. Baylor – Art Briles took the Baylor job because it is a football wasteland. Unfortunately, in about three years, Briles will be fired because Baylor is still a football wasteland.

North Standings:

  1. Missouri – There once was a time when Missouri was devoid of talent; now the Tigers have more offensive playmakers than just about any team in the country – Jeremy Maclin, Chase Coffman and Derrick Washington just to name a few. Add in the best safety in the country, William Moore, and the Tigers are loaded. Leading the charge is Chase Daniel. And the only thing Daniel picks better than his nose (since this is about the only thing other Big 12 fans seem to mock Missouri about) is opposing defenses.
  2. Colorado – Dan Hawkins is crazy. Even crazy enough to believe the Buffs can win with son Cody Hawkins at quarterback. Fortunately, Colorado also has Darrell Scott at running back.
  3. kansAss – The Beakers used a peewee schedule and some shady dealing from AD Lew Perkins to “earn” an Orange Bowl berth last year. This year, the red-legged losers upgrade to an actual college slate – which means a return to irrelevance.
  4. Nebraska – Remember when the Huskers were actually a decent team? So do Nebraska fans. Which is why the kool-aid guzzlers are convinced that the Big Red is back thanks to an expanded walk-on program. Sadly, they don’t realize Big 12 titles are won with actual talent, not a bunch of athletically-challenged hicks.
  5. Kansas State – Since Ron Prince has proven that his “Scary Smarts” are no challenge for the Big 12, he has taken the unusual route of turning the Purple Kittens into a junior college. Why else would he bring in 19 juco players?
  6. Iowa State – I wonder how many times Gene Chizik has wished he hadn’t left Texas for Iowa State? Maybe the key to succeeding in Ames is to be a raging alcoholic (hey, it worked for Larry Eustachy). It could be worse, though. The Cyclones could be Baylor.

Dean’s List Big 12 Game of the Year:

Missouri at Texas – Texas has never lost the week after the Red River Shootout under Mack Brown. The Longhorns, though, have never faced a national championship contender that next week, either. This will be the Tigers’ shot to prove they have legit title hopes.

Paddle Line’s Non Conference Red-Assed Embarrassment of the Year:

Montana State at Kansas State – The Purple Kittens hosting Montana State isn’t that much worse, on the surface, than any other Big 12 team playing a Divison I-AA foe. However, Kansas State showed off a yellow streak in buying out Fresno State to schedule the easy game with Montana State.

Big 12 Title Game:

Missouri upends Oklahoma 27-24

Conference Scholars


Chase Daniel – Missouri


Auston English – Oklahoma

Special Teams:

Jeremy Maclin – Missouri

Southeastern Conference

Conference Syllabus – Fall Semester 2008

Class Level – Unrated (Too difficult for anybody to actually enroll in)

How to pick a conference where the 12th best team may be in the top 15 in the country? It may be difficult, but Professor Smooth as Eggs breaks down the fastest and deepest conference in the land – the SEC.

East Standings:

  1. Florida – God wanted to create the world in 10 days; Tim Tebow gave him 6. Tim Tebow played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. Tim Tebow doesn’t bowl strikes; he just knocks down one pin, and the other nine faint. When it rains in the Swamp, Tim Tebow doesn’t get wet. The rain gets Tim Tebow’d.
  2. Georgia – Georgia may be the most talented team, but the key is how many Crime Dawgs are still playing by the end of the year. Also, Manspooning Matt Stafford is Georgia’s QB. That’s like having John Parker Wilson or Casey Dick at QB – not a good thing.
  3. Tennessee – A few months ago, Fulmer was served with a subpoena at the SEC Media Days. Over the next few months, Fat Phil’s Vols will be served beatdowns by their biggest rivals.
  4. South Carolina – At one time the Ol’ Ballcoach was considered an offensive genius. Then he headed to Washington. Now he’s guided South Carolina mediocrity – or exactly where the Gamecocks have always been.
  5. Kentucky – Rich Brooks couldn’t win at Oregon. He couldn’t win in the NFL with the St. Louis Rams. He won’t win at Kentucky. Bye-bye Andre Woodson equals a return to caring only about basketball for the Wildcats.
  6. Vanderbilt – The Commodores are easily the smartest team in the SEC. Of course, Vanderbilt is also a pretty clear example that intelligence doesn’t translate to success on the football field. They did beat Georgia two years ago. I’ve never seen 90,000+ people sound so damn quiet.

West Standings:

  1. LSU – This will be the time people see what kind of a coach Les Miles is. It’s easy to win with an experienced, star-stacked squad. Not so easy with a former Harvard QB starting. Again, smart doesn’t necessarily translate into good at football. Then again, Miles is a bit of a moron. So, who knows.
  2. Auburn – After boring fans of offensive football for centuries, the Tigers are catching up with the 21st century and turning to the spread. Auburn may have the right QB at the helm in Chris Todd, who arrives in the SEC from Texas Tech via junior college. However, even if Todd beats out Kodi Burns, there is one small problem – the Red Raiders’ offense is full of talent. Auburn – not so much.
  3. Alabama – Nick Saban is a snake. However, he can coach. Trying to win with John Parker Wilson, though, may be even too big of a challenge for Saban.
  4. Arkansas – Bobby Petrino is a snake. However, he can coach. Trying to win with Casey Dick, though, may be even too big of a challenge for Petrino. In other words, Petrino will probably be the new coach at Arizona next year.
  5. Mississippi State – The Bulldogs were the surprise of the SEC last year – finishing 8-5 with a bowl win. Still, does anybody know anything about Mississippi State, other than their offense is notoriously bad even for the offensively challenged SEC.
  6. Ole Miss – At least Houston Nutt can enjoy the sights of “The Grove” – because there’s not much else pleasant about the Rebels. Well, that and Brent Schaeffer is no longer around.

Dean’s List SEC Game of the Year:

The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party – Florida vs. Georgia – Georgia taunted Florida after the game’s first score last year. This year the Gators get their payback.

Paddle Line’s Red-Assed Embarrassment of the Year:

Florida at Vanderbilt – Yes, the Commodores are an even bigger mismatch than the Gators’ opponent two weeks later, The Citadel.

SEC Title Game:

Florida downs LSU 33-17

Conference Scholars


Knowshon Moreno – Georgia (yes, there’s that Tebow guy at Florida, but consider this: Thanks to Moreno, Georgia finished last year No. 2 in the country with Stafford at QB)


Tyson Jackson – LSU

Special Teams:

Brandon James – Florida


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