The preseason is coming to a close, and with that, we here at STQ want to provide you with every opportunity to have a successful Fall Semester. Through the coming days you can peruse our Course Catalog to find out everything you could possibly want regarding the BCS Conferences. Your first two syllabi come to you from Professor Slow Jerk – they cover the Atlantic Coast Conference and the Big Ten(eleven).
Atlantic Coastal Conference
Conference Syllabus – Fall Semester 2008
Class Level – 2000
Here we have the ACC – a conference chock full of basketball schools and former powers. How will this conference shape up for the 2008 season? Your Professor Slow Jerk is here to guide you through what could be a very interesting season in the ACC.
1. Clemson – This is Clemson’s time. This might be the most “down” the ACC has been in some time. The only thing that could stand in their way? Tommy Bowden.
2. Wake Forest – QB Riley Skinner has a running game, but does he have a line? Won’t matter – the D has enough to keep the O afloat in this conference, losing only 2 starters from a year ago.
3. Florida State – With their schedule they should battle Clemson for the Atlantic. Their road games are easier than any of the skeeze you see on The Hills. But for this to really happen, Jimbo needs to work his offensive magic – to suddenly turn Drew Weatherford into a D-1 QB.
4. Boston College – Matty Ice is long gone. They may have a senior fill-in, but the rest of the offense is young. The D will be key to this team repeating their success last year. Don’t count on it. Red Sawks fans across the land scream, “Yankees Suck!”
5. Maryland – Remember when Ralph “Smaller than Mangino” Friedgen had this team winning games? Neither does the rest of the college football world. The QB’s they have aren’t suited for the system they are implementing, even if their O line mimics their coach in the appearance department. Opposing RB’s will look like they have the speed of Usain Bolt. Please, for the love of God, don’t fear the Turtle.
6. North Carolina State – Julius Hodge plays long. He’s a pest on D and… wait, shit. We’re talking football, aren’t we? Sorry. Advice for the Wolfpack – you can’t rely on a power running game when your Offensive Line protects as well as using Saran Wrap as a condom. So, how about the defense? Well, you can’t stop the run if you’ve lost 5 of your front 7. Just try it. Seriously. Won’t work.
1. Miami – Really? Miami up front? Yes, asshole. This is not a typo. Like Clemson, this is THE time for the ‘Canes. A youthful QB will help start a new era (see: 1 year) of Miami Football. Bill Young made a smart move by leaving kansas, and he’ll help shore up a pretty suspect D. This is Randy “Boom Boom” Shannon’s time.
2. Virginia Tech – Sean Glennon is a subpar QB. After the shellacking they took in the Orange Bowl last season, the offense has MILES to travel to get better. They hope that Tyrod Taylor figures out he isn’t a QB and becomes an all-around threat on offense, but while that doesn’t happen, their D will keep them in games. Macho Harris. That’s it. Dude goes by Macho.
3. North Carolina – Butch Davis, you rascal you. North Carolina will turn some heads this year with a youthful core led by Soph RB Greg Little. However, they wouldn’t be third if the rest of the conference was worth a damn. Expect the Heels to pull an upset and look good until inevitably pissing on their feet and losing to Duke. Seriously.
4. Virginia – New QB, shitty O-line, fragile RB – sound familiar? They may score some points, but they won’t stop anybody. Teams will have their way on the ground which will lead to the abuse of the secondary. Virginia will be the team this year that is in it at halftime of almost every game, but won’t be able to hang on. Kind of like Amy Winehouse’s career.
5. Georgia Tech – This team has more turnover than Ralph Friedgen’s pantry. If you look up the word “rebuilding” in the dictionary you’ll get, “to replace, restrengthen, or reinforce.” What, did you think I’d say “you’d see a picture of GT?” What kind of dictionaries do you read?
6. Duke – They need to scrap the football program. It isn’t even worth my time to talk about Duke Football. Except that they’ll beat UNC.
Dean’s List ACC Game of the Year:
Clemson @ Wake Forest – If Clemson wants to top the conference, they must prove it here.
Paddle Line’s Non Conference Red-Assed Embarrassment of the Year:
Virginia Tech hosting Furman – Where is Furman? Somewhere in OJ’s yard planting evidence?
ACC Title Game:
Clemson over Miami 17-10
Javarris James – Miami
Vance Walker – GT
Preston Parker – FSU
Big 10 Conference
Conference Syllabus – Fall Semester 2008
Class Level – 3000
The Big Ten(eleven) has this aura of being a great conference. Well, it isn’t. But, then again, it isn’t all bad either. Professor Slow Jerk will lay out for you everything you need to know to cruise through the Big 10 this semester.
1. Ohio State – This is about as much of a no-brainer as we can have in college sports. Not because the Buckeyes are “great” – but because they are better than the rest of the conference. We’ll see how good they really are when USC comes calling. Win that game, and they’ll look more impressive than Sean Salisbury’s ability to creep people out.
2. Wisconsin – I have never been impressed by the Badgers. They always have hype, and always let down. PJ Hill and Travis Beckum are great players, but who will get them the ball? I’ll make a prediction – they will run the ball as if the forward pass was never invented. Welcome to 1932. Grab a beer and fall asleep to the sweet falsetto tones of Wisky Football.
3. Illinois – Juice Williams just isn’t a very good QB. That said, MF can run like the wind. He’s shifty, and is capable of winning games in the Big 10. He’s also capable of losing games with his arm – but he’ll be successful against defenses who over pursue. Which would be no defense in the Big 10 (they’re slow is the gist of it). If Juice can get the ball to Benn – different story.
4. Michigan – Rich Rod will have a terrific offensive gameplan. Too bad he doesn’t have the parts to run it properly. Michigan will struggle at the beginning of the year. The personnel will figure itself out come Ohio State time – look out Buckeyes. Speed Kills.
5. Penn State – JoePa is too old to run with the nation’s best on the field and in recruiting. For once, the Defense won’t be a strength – so the Offense needs to step it up. Look for Penn State to stick around the national rankings for a while this year. Also look for JoePa to fall down at least 3 times.
6. Purdue – Curtis Painter is the best QB in the Big 10. Health and experience will hurt his chances of showing it. Bowl eligibility is something the Boilermakers should feel good about. And if they want an upgrade, maybe the Bears will give back Kyle Orton.
7. Michigan State – There really is a cluster of mediocrity in the Big 10. From about 3-7 everyone has a chance. That could be good for the conference, but bad for the viewers of the Big 10 Network. Look for Michigan state to run the ball a shit-ton while giving up a shit-ton of points.
8. Minnesota – They play in a damn dome. Weak sauce. They can try the spread all they want. It will still lead to the same averageness they are used to. If they want to ever be relevant again, they have to pull a few wins in conference and hope for a decent bowl. Obviously, right? And why did I say “again” – they were never relevant.
9. Northwestern – Oh, how they pine for the days of Darnell Autry. Word is they are going to try the no-huddle offense. I think it is so they don’t have to stand on the field getting laughed at by opposing fans. Northwestern sucks. Plain and simple.
10. Iowa – Why so low, you ask? Injuries are one factor. Another is common sense. When is the last time you saw Iowa play and said to yourself, man, that team is good at the game of football. Never. Hey, they may be in the top of the conference. But really, if you aren’t 1 or2 in the Big 10 – you’re in last place.
11. Indiana – Hey, at least they’d beat Duke. And maybe Illinois.
Dean’s List Game of the Year:
Illinois @ Penn State – The winner of this game could be in contention for a title. Yes, this could happen in the Big 10.
Paddle Line’s Non Conference Red-Assed Embarrassing of the Year:
Wisconsin hosts Cal Poly – This is their SEASON FINALE. Nice.
Big 10 Champs – Ohio State
Beanie Wells – OSU
Vontae Davis – Illinois
Marcus Thigpen – Indiana
There you have it – your guide to this semester in the ACC and the Big 10. Keep an eye out for the rest of the conferences this week. Class dismissed.