The official STQ Dean’s List: Preseason

Our official, weekly, ranking of the top 21 teams in college football. We may mock ’em, but they’re making the grade – for now.

Before we release our first honor roll, a quick word about the upcoming college football season from the mad geniuses who concocted the brilliant list you’re about to mock.

STQ Contributor: Smooth as Eggs

This is certainly a season of high expectations, of course none are higher than what the reading public has for Streaking the Quad, I’m sure. However, college football has Georgia’s most anticipated season since Herschel Walker was running wild – or George or Andre or whichever personality it was that ran the Bulldogs to a national title. This year also has Missouri eager for possibly the best season in school history. There is also Tim Tebow looking to become just the second player to win consecutive Heismans. Not to mention Ohio State wanting to cement its legacy as the college football version of the Buffalo Bills.

So much to look forward to. So much eagerness to get underway. Let’s get ready for kickoff.

STQ Contributor: Slow Jerk

Last season set a precedent unknown to the world of NCAA Football. Mizzou/kansas drew the most ratings? Oregon had their title hopes dashed with an injury to the heads-up favorite for the Heisman? Stanford actually beat USC? It was an AMAZING regular season, and a pretty fantastic bowl season as well. Then, the BCS title game happened. What a downer. Seriously, another year where Ohio State gets embarrassed – by a TWO loss team no-less? Sorry, but that’s bullshit my friends. It’s like the DaVinci Code – good plot, fun twists, but an ending that made about as much sense as having sex with Shawn Kemp. So what to expect from 2008? How about a real championship game? Party crashers Missouri will make the most noise outside of the “traditionals” – with teams like ku looking about as solid as Neil Patrick Harris in a women’s beach volleyball locker room. If I had to describe this season with a witty phrase, I could. And I will. If you thought last year was good – then you’re an idiot because this year is going to dwarf it. Last year was a 12 year old girl. This year? She’s the envy of all her friends. This year is going to be TITS.

STQ Contributor: The Right Reverend

2008 is the Year of the Rat (no, I’m not talking about Mike Shanahan), but on the college football scene, it looks like it will be the year of the Tiger (check out our rankings – you’ll see what the Rev means). Will it be as topsy-turvy as 2007? Hell, who knows? People keep saying “Tara Reid can’t get any more out of control,” and what does she do? She keeps getting crazier. What happened to sweet, innocent Vicky from American Pie? Guess that part of Tara lost out to her character from “The Big Lebowski” – great debut line for her in that classic. But I digress.

So. As for season predictions: Ohio State will not sneak into the title game for a third-straight ass whipping. SEC fans will spend all year talking about their great conference depth (and speed) and then whine when two-loss Florida gets left out of the title game after a loss to LSU in the SEC title game. And the title game will be the ultimate David and Goliath matchup: the Mighty Trojans of USC versus the Fighting Tigers of ole’ Mizzou.

Anyway. The Dean’s List. Didn’t you hate this thing when you were in school? Remember when it used to separate the wheat from the chaff? My old man is always talking about how easy it is to make the dean’s list in today’s college scene: “Grumble, grumble, plus-minus grading scale, don’t make Little johnny upset by giving him a ‘D’, grumble, grumble.” College football is the same way. Used to be, only the elite kids with all the advantages got great grades and recognition. Used to be, only elite college football programs had a shot at a title. Times – they are a changin’.

  1. USC – Mustain, Sanchez, whatever. Rey Manalauga will eat your soul.
  2. Oklahoma
  3. Missouri – The first of many Tigers to make the cut.
  4. Georgia – BREAKING NEWS: UGA just got voted atop the Georgia Penal League’s preseason poll.
  5. Florida
  6. Ohio State – The second state university of Ohio won’t three-peat in championship game beatdowns.
  7. West Virginia – Enjoy it, Eer fans. Swan song, anyone?
  8. LSU
  9. Texas – It’s all on Muschamp’s shoulders…
  10. Texas Tech – Is that that D for real? Finally?
  11. Clemson – What keeps ’em out of the top 10? Two words: Tommy Bowden.
  12. Auburn – Great D, shitty O, boring team.
  13. Arizona State – If you hire Dennis Erickson, you are guaranteeing yourself two things: No. 1 – you’ll win football games; No. 2 – you’ll be running a dirty program
  14. Illinois – Is Juice “one-hop” Williams going to take the next step? Don’t bet on it.
  15. BYU
  16. Wisconsin
  17. kansas
  18. South Florida
  19. Virginia Tech – New strategy for Glennon: Dress him in opposing jersey, so he throws to his OWN team for a change.
  20. Oregon
  21. Tennesee – Which goes first: Fulmer’s heart, or another Florida DB’s knee?
  22. Dying for more insight? Dying to know how we arrived at our top 21? Just plain bored as shit? Read the full transcript of the roundtable chat that made this dean’s list a reality. Just do us a favor, OK? Leave the editing pens at home.

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