All the professors here at Streaking the Quad have been failing lately. However, it is crunch time now, and they are getting ready for one naked run through campus. Are you ready to come along for the ride.

For more insight, keep reading after the jump.

Top 25

Northwestern at (17) Minnesota

Mad Handles - I want to feel good about Northwestern, and if any top 25 team is primed for a loss this weekend, it’s Minnesota, but I think the Gophers edge the Cats in a tight contest throughout. Minnesota 24, Northwestern 17

Slow Jerk - How in god’s name is Minnesota ranked in the top 20?  Northwestern 22, Minn 20

Smooth as Eggs - The Minnesota State Screaming Eagles are still the best team in Canada Lite. And Hayden Fox is still the best coach. Minnesota 17, Northwestern 15

The Right Rev – Timmy Brewster…inspirational guy. But not good enough to prevent the upset. Norhtwestern 22, Minnesota 21

Wisconsin at (21) Michigan State

Mad Handles – Quick, name two Big 10 teams that people care less about these days. Wisconsin 14, Michigan State 13

Slow Jerk - Michigan State is what Wisconsin wishes it were.  MSU 30, Wisky 14

Smooth as Eggs - I’m taking the odds that Bielema sports wood over watching Michigan State’s offense, since the Spartans do nothing but run the Badgers through the Ringer. Michigan State 28, Wisconsin 20

The Right Rev – Need to take a nap? Watch this game. Michigan State 17, Wisky 3

West Virginia at (25) UConn

Mad Handles – The Mountaineers have taken their fair share of shit here at STQ, but they may be onto something. Why not pick the upset here? West Virginia 34, UConn 31

Slow Jerk – This is the time of the year where I’d rather try to shave my wang with a rusty straightrazor than watch Big East football.  UConn 29, WVU 20

Smooth as Eggs – Pat White and Noel Devine are the two best players in the Big East. Not that that’s saying much. West Virginia 23, UConn 14

The Right Rev – Still tough to believe UCONN is a decent team,  it really is. UCONN 13, WVU 10

(18) Tulsa at Arkansas

Mad Handles – Seriously, Arkansas? It’s come to this? One more thing to worry about, Arky – if things play out like they could with that Washington job, Petrino might be coaching Tulsa next season. All it takes is money. Tulsa 28, Arky 2

Slow Jerk - Arkansas is awful.  Kind of like their conference.  Tulsa 44, Arky 23

Smooth as Eggs – Gus Malzahn>Bobby Petrino. David Johnson>Casey Dick. Tulsa 38, Arkansas 35

The Right Rev – Enough about Tulsa already.  Arkie 28, Tulsa 24

Arkansas State at (2) Alabama

Mad Handles – Bama will lose a game soon, but it’s not going to be vs. Arky St. Bama 21, Arky St. 13

Slow Jerk – How do you get to play a team like this in the middle of the season?  Well, at least it is a step up from the bottom of the SEC.  Bama 39, ASU 13

Smooth as Eggs – The Red Wolves (seriously, the Red Wolves? The NCAA just needs to let the whole PC thing die. Indians. Much better nickname than Red Wolves.) are better than the Razorbacks. Bama 30, Arkansas State 13

The Right Rev – Another thing that sucks about the SEC: Playing shitty nonconference games in the middle of the season. Bama 30, Arkansas State 3

(14) Missouri at Baylor

Mad Handles - This one should really be called Missouri today vs. Missouri 5 years ago. Missouri 48, Baylor 17

Slow Jerk - I like Baylor.  But, they are about to get chased right out of the goddamn stadium.  Mizzou 58, Baylor 12

Smooth as Eggs - Chase Coffman jumps over the stadium. SEC fans still talk about how awesome it was that day when Knowshon hurdled somebody and didn’t make ESPN. Missouri 59, Baylor 12

The Right Rev - Baylor is going to need a lot more than Robert Griffin to take this one. Mizzou 49, Baylor 20

(8) Florida vs. (6) Georgia at Jacksonville

Mad Handles – Georgia puts up a fight, but ultimately can’t hang with the best (only) offense in the SEC. Florida 38, UGA 24

Slow Jerk - Georgia can’t beat the good teams in the SEC.  Florida 29, UGA 3

Smooth as Eggs – Little known (probably not a) fact – the Gator Stomp caused little Timmy Tebow to cuss. Florida 42, Georgia 20

The Right Rev - Remember that whole TD celebration thing? Of course you do. Remember that Tebow was nicked up and didn’t play his normal game? AH, thought you might have forgotten that. Florida 38, Georgia 34

Iowa State at (9) Oklahoma State

Mad Handles - Buck up, Iowa State fan, you guys got a committment from an insane two-star QB this week. Things are rollin’ in Ames. Okie Lite 42, Iowa State 7

Slow Jerk - Okie State needs to keep it up.  ISU will not stop them.  OSU 33, ISU 24

Smooth as Eggs – Does beating the tar out of Texas’ former defensive coordinator count as beating the Longhorns? Okie State 63, Iowa State 10

The Right Rev – Why do teams not named “Oklahoma” keep getting punished so severely for losing to the No. 1 team in the country? Okie State 55, Iowa State 17

(15) Florida State at Georgia Tech

Mad Handles - FSU wins, but this is the game where Bowden realizes it’s time to hang it up after this season. Florida St. 24, GaTech 17

Slow Jerk - The “15″ by FSU is how many pairs of Reebok are actually paid for.  GT 30, FSU 18

Smooth as Eggs – Bobby Bowden remembers when the triple option was invented. Unfortunately, Bowden has forgotten how to coach. Fortunately, Jimbo Fisher knows this and has Yanni playing on Bowden’s headphones. Florida State 28, GaTech 16

The Right Rev – The Seminoles show why the triple option is not an instant fix. Florida State 19, Georgia Tech 16

(24) Oregon at Cal

Mad Handles - Meh. Pac 10. Not really interested. Oregon 21, Cal 14

Slow Jerk - Cal is more worthless than Britney Spears in a singing/dancing/mothering/notwhoringherselfout contest.  Oregon 40, Cal 0

Smooth as Eggs -Ugliest game ever. Seriously, both of these teams have gawdy gold/yellow unis. Don’t watch it unless you are tired of your eyesight. Oregon 28, Cal 27

The Right Rev -The Ducks take it in a closer shave than any Cal coed gives her armpits (don’t even ask about ‘down there’ unless you’ve got an axe handy. You’d need it to get through that forest)… Oregon 37, Cal 35

(20) BYU at Colorado State

Mad Handles - Does anyone else remember when Colorado St. was a pesky team? BYU 35, Colorado St. 14

Slow Jerk - Colorado State is the best team in the state.  BYU 29, CS 19

Smooth as Eggs – The Fighting Mormons offer up the Rams as a burnt sacrifice. BYU 49, Colorado State 6

The Right Rev -The Fighting Mormons keep taking their dashed BCS dreams out on poor lil Colorado State. BYU 38, Colorado State 10

Washington at (5) USC

Mad Handles - Lame duck coach? Flat team. Damn you, Washington! USC 45, Washington 10

Slow Jerk - This is going to resemble that one scene in Pulp Fiction… you know, the one with the ballgag and the assfucking?  USC 24×10^5, Washington -30

Smooth as Eggs – USC’s going away present for Willingham – a bareback raping. USC 60, Washington 5

The Right Rev -UPSET: USC doesn’t cover! USC 42, Washington 6

(11) Boise State at New Mexico State

Mad Handles - Hey, Boise St., how much does it suck knowing that you’re still not legitimately in the BCS Title hunt? That’s gotta be kind of deflating, right? I mean… you could win out and you will have NO SHOT at that game. I don’t know. I just don’t think I could bear it. Isn’t it all just futile at this point? Seriously. Boise St. 34, New Mex St. 24

Slow Jerk - I thought Ian Johnson graduated like 5 years ago.  BSU 36, NMS 20

Smooth as Eggs – Hal Mumme used to be an offensive genius. Then he stopped paying players after getting hammered and fired from Kentucky for it. Now, not so much. Boise 48, NM State 13

The Right Rev – NMSU lost to Nebraska. Game over. Boise State 30, NMSU 17

(1) Texas at (7) Texas Tech

Mad Handles - Things get real for Tech this week. These are the games in which Leach gets exposed. Texas 45, Texas Tech 14

Slow Jerk - Tech is still not as good as you think.  Texas 42, Tech 23

Smooth as Eggs – Tech will never win a big game without attempting to run the ball. Mark it down. It’s the gospel. Texas 49, Tech 33

The Right Rev – Texas finally has a little bit of a let-down game… and still wins pretty handily. Texas 33, Texas Tech 27

Nebraska at (4) Oklahoma

Mad Handles - The score will be closer than the actual game, and this will be enough to have Nebraska fans talking about a National Championship next season. Because that’s all Nebraska can do at this point – look to next season. They’re now the pre-2004 Boston Red Sox of the college football world. Oklahoma 38, Nebraska 24

Slow Jerk - This is going to be UGLY.  Bo Pelini Ugly.  OU 41, Nebraska 9

Smooth as Eggs – The game of the Cent…..Oh wait, the Huskers’ idea of reBOrn doesn’t actually mean being dominant, it just means not allowing 70 points in a game. Oklahoma 63, Nebraska 17

The Right Rev – Nebraska adds a few garbage-time scores to make it look less like the ass-kicking it was. Oklahoma 41, Nebraska 21

(13) TCU at UNLV

Mad Handles - Ha ha! Horned Frogs. TCU 38, UNLV 24

Slow Jerk -TCU is actually pretty good.  TCU 29, UNLV 12

Smooth as Eggs – Not even the adult establishments can get the Horny Toads off their game. TCU 33, UNLV 20

The Right Rev -When will the Horned Frog express be derailed? TCU 20, UNLV 10

Tulane at (19) LSU

Mad Handles - Is there a worse game in the Top 25 this week? LSU 31, Tulane 7

Slow Jerk - No comment.  LSU 4, Tulane 3

Smooth as Eggs – What, no Louisiana-Lafayette or Lousiana-Monroe? LSU 40, Tulane 24

The Right Rev -Nothing like a midseason patsy to get back in the swing. Screw this SEC scheduling. LSU 30, Tulane 3

(10) Utah at New Mexico

Mad Handles - Honestly? That score is just a total reach. I think Utah will win. I just don’t care by how much. Utah 30, New Mexico 28

Slow Jerk - This game bores me a lot like when the Rev’s mom tries to seduce me.  Utah 25, NM 20

Smooth as Eggs – Rocky Long still can’t stop a finesse spread team. Utah 38, New Mexico 17

The Right Rev – Rev’s favorite little team that could keeps rolling. Utah 20, New Mexico 9

Big 12

k-state at kansAss

Mad Handles - Why not? k-State gave them their best game last season until they met up with the buzz saw that was Missouri. k-State 28, kansas 21

Slow Jerk - The battle of the worst state in the history of all things fecal and gross.  ksu 3, ku 0

Smooth as Eggs -Purple shirts to see this weekend: My quarterback drops Tiger Tens bigger than your quarterback. k-state 47, kansAss 40

The Right Rev – It never stopped being the Toilet Bowl to the Rev. kSU 45, kU 42

Colorado at aTm

Mad Handles - So I guess this is going to happen… Colorado 6, aTm 3

Slow Jerk -The battle of shitty teams outside the state of kansas.  aTm 10, Colorado 3

Smooth as Eggs – All logic says the Buffs are done. But I’ll take Hawk Love over Sherman any day. Colorado 14, aTm 13

The Right Rev – These might be the two worst teams in the Big 12. Yes, worse than Baylor and iSu. Colorado 13, aTm 10

Other

Air Force at Army

Mad Handles - It’s really too bad the service acadamies don’t have any real relevance in college football anymore. Army 21, Air Force 17

Slow Jerk - Touchdown today, landmine tomorrow.  Army 41, AF 39

Smooth as Eggs – No jokes. Just well wishes to our future men in uniforms. Air Force 30, Army 24

The Right Rev – You can’t fight air power, baby. Air Force 32, Army 19

Pitt at Notre Dame

Mad Handles - Word to Charlie Weis – keep your head up on the sidelines. Notre Dame 34, Pitt 14

Slow Jerk - I hate pitt – but how sweet would it be to knock the domers down a few pegs?  Pitt 14, ND 9

Smooth as Eggs – Something tells me the mustache is on this week. Pitt 28, ND 20

The Right Rev – Mark May makes Lou Holtz his bitch… again. Pitt 33, Notre Dame 26

Iowa at Illinois

Mad Handles - Umm… so is Juice Williams going to work out with Byron Leftwich this offseason? Illinois 31, iowa 28

Slow Jerk - EDDIE FUCKING MCGEE SHOULD PLAY.  Ill 15, Iowa 10

Smooth as Eggs – Juice Williams’ last stand? Nah. Iowa 20, Illinois 10

The Right Rev – This might be the first stitch in the “Let’s fire Ron Zook” quilt. Iowa 13, Illinois 9

Tennessee at South Carolina

Mad Handles - Fulmer’s done. He knows it. His team knows it. Game over. South Carolina 17, Tennessee 14

Slow Jerk - This game should be considered a bracket buster.  USCe 33, Tenn 21

Smooth as Eggs – At one time, Fat Phil and the Ol’ Ball coach would be the game of the year. Now it’s just a game to try and become bowl eligible. Sad. South Carolina 17, Tennessee 16

The Right Rev – BOooooooooring. Remember the preseason, when these teams were listed as part of the depth of really good teams in the SEC? Commence laughter now… South Carolina 3, Tennessee 2

Luckily for Auburn or West Virginia, one team gets a chance to save some face tonight and earn a little bit of respect back. Then again, beating a mediocre team on a Thursday night isn’t really that big of an accomplishment.

Mad Handles — Glad they decided to hide this one on Thursday night. Auburn 6, West Virginia 4

Slow Jerk — Have two “good” teams ever been ground into the shit so much as these two? WVU 3, Auburn 0

Smooth as Eggs — After watching Pat White and Noel Devine blaze past the speedy Tigers D (it has to be speedy. It’s an SEC defense.), Tuberville will decide to get with the times and implement the spread. Oh wait…. West Virginia 27, Auburn 14

The Right Rev — I’m still laughing at Auburn for losing to an Arkansas passing offense lead by Casey Dick. Dicks. West Virginia 17, Auburn 10

Dean’s List

It would appear that some people were caught unaware for the start of conference season. It’s put up or shut up time, gentlemen. Coaching changes have already been made, as one preseason Deans’ Lister has fallen from glory (looking at you, Clemson). Who will turn their season around in time to save their goals for the season? Who will save face? Who will save nachos? And who will save Grace?

Get the lastest rankings from our expert (smart-alecks) after the break.

1. Texas

Mad Handles: Colt McCoy: He’s the new Tebow!

Smooth as Eggs: If anybody had questions about the Longhorns, I’d say they have been answered. Texas would hook the Kansas City Chiefs.

Slow Jerk:
I guess this shows why you can never write off UT before the season starts.  Even though Colt McCoy looks like a 12 year old with slight Bell’s Palsy.

The Right Rev: Good news, everyone: Coly McCoy has announced he’ll be back next year. Great…

2. Penn State

Mad Handles: Give me one good reason why Penn State doesn’t belong here. I said a good reason. You can’t.

Smooth as Eggs:
No. 2. JoePa doesn’t worry about No. 1 or No. 2. That’s what Depends are for.

Slow Jerk:
All would be OK in the Slow Jerk household if PSU won it all – the wife digs ‘em.  That tells me that I could be a really old man who is senile and says things that are questionable and she’ll still love me.

The Right Rev: Penn State is going to murder Ohio State this week, and every year as long as they run the spread. Seriously, after watching Tressel get de-pantsed by the spread at every turn, why isn’t EVERYONE in the Big MAC running it?

3. Alabama

Mad Handles: Their day is coming. For now, though, No. 3 for sure.

Smooth as Eggs:
The Tide have lost their mountain in the middle just in time for the weak SEC portion of the schedule.

Slow Jerk:
I still don’t think they are better than 4, 5, or maybe even 6.

The Right Rev: Gotta put ‘em here. For now. Until JPW reminds us why he’s JPW…

4. Oklahoma

Mad Handles: Keeping the BCS committee more nervous than Boise State: the possibility of a Texas/OU title game  match up.

Smooth as Eggs:
Rebound from a rivalry loss with a smackdown of kansAss and the reward is a game against the ManCrappy JUCO all-stars.

Slow Jerk:
Don’t count them out yet.  The Non-Conference needs to be stronger.

The Right Rev: On cruise control until Bedlam. (wait, didn’t we hear that LAST year? How did that end up?)

5. Florida

Mad Handles: Maybe Okie Lite should be here. They didn’t lose to Mississippi.

Smooth as Eggs:
Tim Tebow dares former Kentucky linebackers to try and tackle him.

Slow Jerk:
Urban Meyer turned on his switch.  That switch it illegal in 43 states.

The Right Rev: Tebow seems to be doing well on his pledge to improve following the Ole Miss debacle, but the Rev isn’t impressed. I mean, really, when is he going to cure cancer? Check back with me then…

6. Oklahoma State

Mad Handles: Definitely the best OSU in the land. Like the other OSU, though, a top 5 finish just isn’t in the cards.

Smooth as Eggs:
Mike Gundy – smart enough to realize that 40 equals manhood. Also smart enough to realize he’s not a defensive coach.

Slow Jerk:
I wonder how long this ride will last.

The Right Rev: Reality probably is on the horizon (in the form of Longhorns), but oSu’s collection of skill talent is impressive.

7. USC

Mad Handles: With all of those five star guys, shouldn’t USC win the National Championship every season? When merely being in the Top 10 is a disappointment, you know you have a tough gig.

Smooth as Eggs:
Even against Pullman Middle School, 69 points is something to get up about.

Slow Jerk:
When you have NFL talent, of course you’ll stick around.

The Right Rev: With a roster that’s 3/4 4- and 5-star players, you’d better be a top 10 squad. Still have the most embarassing loss in the top 10, though.

8. Texas Tech

Mad Handles: Still can’t get past the fact that they had to beat Nebraska in OT, but the offense hasn’t really taken a day off. It’s good.

Smooth as Eggs:
The Red Raiders’ offense better keep clicking because Tech’s defense stops about as much as The Rev’s sister.

Slow Jerk:
This team will lose 2-3 before bowl season.

The Right Rev: They’ve been saying this Red Raiders team is different. Yeah, it is; the offense isn’t as good, but at least the defense isn’t any worse…

9. Georgia

Mad Handles: Before the season started, the Dawgs were all ANYONE could talk about. Halfway through? Nobody is talking about them. Seriously, rarely do you see a team this high get talked about so little.

Smooth as Eggs:
First it was arrests and suspensions. Now it’s injuries. At this rate, Georgia won’t have enough players to finish the season.

Slow Jerk:
I was watching the UGA/Vandy game, and it amazed me how much the regular SEC announcers slobbed on this team.

The Right Rev: Herschel ain’t walking through that door, people. And neither is a crystal trophy…

10. Utah

Mad Handles: We here at STQ told you a long time ago that Utah was better than BYU.

Smooth as Eggs:
Almost as good as Urban Meyer’s current team.

Slow Jerk:
The Ute’s are sticking around.  Wait until RickMa comes and gives a pep talk.  Him and little RickMa.

The Right Rev: Who doesn’t love the Utes QB? I keep telling you folks. And the Ute defense is salty, too (at least by MWAC standards).

11. second state U

Mad Handles: Please. They can’t hold Penn State’s jock.

Smooth as Eggs:
Can Beanie and Pryor play defense, too? That may be the Buckeyes’ only chance to slow Penn State.

Slow Jerk:
No chance against PSU.  None.

The Right Rev: Sweatervest lovers everywhere will continue to cry until Tressel figures out the spread.

12. Missouri

Mad Handles: Back to back stinkers, but this team is too good to lose anymore in the regular season.

Smooth as Eggs:
Still the class of the Big 12 North.

Slow Jerk:
It hurts, man.  It really FUCKING hurts.  But, still in the driver’s seat in the north.  Also, I know someone (me) who will be roaming the sidelines of the game against CU this weekend.  Expect a STQ photo spread.

The Right Rev: The Tigers’ goals before the season: win the North, win the conference, win the national title. As my good buddy meatloaf said… “NOW don’t be sad… ’cause two out of three ain’t bad!’ “

13. LSU

Mad Handles: The Tigers are lucky South Carolina only wanted to play one half of football.

Smooth as Eggs: May be the class of the SEC West, but the Tigers still lost to Florida by 30.

Slow Jerk: This hurts to say, but they are the Missouri of the SEC.

The Right Rev: Another set of Tigers that are very good, but not great.

14. South Florida

Mad Handles: Must be tough facing a steady diet of teams like Syracuse. This is why Jim Leavitt would be stupid to leave USF.

Smooth as Eggs:
Matt Grothe is the only quarterback gay enough to rock the faux-hawk. Do you hear me Chase Daniel?

Slow Jerk:
One Big east team has to stick around.  Might as well be these guys.

The Right Rev: It’s hard to stomach. The Big East doesn’t have a top 20 team, let alone a top 15. But it’s hard to prove that considering the rest of the league.

15. Boise State

Mad Handles: This year’s Hawaii beat… Hawaii. I’d say “last year’s Hawaii,” but we all just know that’s not true.

Smooth as Eggs:
Counting their blessings that Cody Hawkins followed pops to Colorado.

Slow Jerk:
Why don’t more teams color their fields?  What?  Huh?  oh, right.  because it is LAME.

The Right Rev: I get confused watching Boise play sometimes. They look like an SEC team for the sole reason their QB rocks the front-mullet.

16. TCU

Mad Handles: I’m pretty sure the Mormons are convinced that the horned frog is an amphibious incarnation of Satan himself.

Smooth as Eggs:
It’s not such a bad thing to be the third-best team in Texas.

Slow Jerk:
They’d win the ACC.

The Right Rev: I love horrny frogs.

17. kansas

Mad Handles: Pfft. Just wait.

Smooth as Eggs:
Refuse to acknowledge this. Seriously.

Slow Jerk:
won’t win another game.

The Right Rev: If i was from kansas, I’d kill myself…

18. Ball State

Mad Handles: The fighting Whitlocks getting it done. It won’t last.

Smooth as Eggs:
Good enough to contend in the Big MAC.

Slow Jerk:
Better than kansas.

The Right Rev: They got ranked for the first time this season. Can they finish a season ranked for the first time?

19. BYU

Mad Handles: TCU, BYU, RLY?

Smooth as Eggs:
So much for the BCS. Should have known Mormons wouldn’t be up to crash a party.

Slow Jerk: Hopefully the bowl they get is as far away from sin as possible.

The Right Rev: Not as much fight in these Mormons as we thought.

20. Pittsburgh

Mad Handles: Much like the McRib, Pitt is back!

Smooth as Eggs:
Suddenly the ’stache has learned how to win. Nah. It’s just how weak the Big East is.

Slow Jerk:
Nope.  Still sucks.

The Right Rev: Only ranked because of the Big East.

21. Tulsa

Mad Handles: I don’t respect teams from flyover country.

Smooth as Eggs:
It’s not such a bad thing to be the third-best team in Oklahoma.

Slow Jerk:
Would win the Big East.

The Right Rev: Fun to watch, until they play a team with BCS athletes on D.

Paddle Line:

It’s time to shape up or ship out. Be ashamed. Be ashamed. We don’t want to hear it, mr. Zook. Stop talking, Mr. Sweeney. Mr. Willingham! Report to the AD’s office immediately!

1. Clemson

Mad Handles: Where were you ranked to start the season? Who did you lose to this weekend? Tsk tsk tsk…

Smooth as Eggs:
Not even getting rid of the worst of the Bowden clan could solve Clemson’s problems.

Slow Jerk:
Your coach is fired, and then his brother blasts saying that he should have been fired.  Weird.

The Right Rev: Hmm. New coach didn’t seem to fix Clemson’s problems. Their OL still sucks.

2. Missouri coordinators

Mad Handles: If there are two dumber coordinators in the country, please identify them. I mean Dave Christensen puts together some wonderfully effective plays, then he throws in a pointless direct snap to the RB. WTF? Mike Martz much? And Matt Eberflus, nice work. You took arguably the best returning safety in college football and made him look like an aimless goof out there. Will Moore ought to sue you for all of the lost wages you’re costing him as his draft stock plummets.

Smooth as Eggs:
Maybe Dave Christensen should spend less time creating some exotic formation and more time working with his offensive line on how to block. As far as Matt Eberflus, I’m not even sure the Tigers work on tackle drills.

Slow Jerk:
Cocky mother fuckers.  I’m sorry, I love you guys, but running a damn reverse on the first play of the game?  Really?  Also, third and long and you ALL OUT BLITZ?  They hit a small slant for 38 goddamn yards.  Why can’t we play every team like they are Nevada?  Why do we have to get fancier than Liberace’s merkin?

The Right Rev: These guys might the dumbest smart guys on the plan. But, gosh, the Rev loves ‘em.

3. Washington/Wazzou football

Mad Handles: Well… duh.

Smooth as Eggs:
Even worse than the Seahawks. And that’s saying something.

Slow Jerk:
Wash U in St Louis could field an intramural team to beat these jokers.

The Right Rev: Seriously, how are both teams THIS bad. At least one in-state school should be good, right?

4. Texas locker room

Mad Handles: I’m not saying anything, but Clay Aiken would be right at home there. Don’t you think?

Smooth as Eggs:
I’m surprised the walls weren’t pink and the dress code calls for sweatervests worn about five sizes too small.

Slow Jerk:
Did you see this shit?  They have individual pictures of themselves over their lockers in a “pose”.  Weak sauce.

The Right Rev: I haven’t seen this much cheesy posing for photographs since Banks Floodman was a slob-nobber, err, slobbernocking linebacker at ku.

5. Garcia/tackled by ref

Mad Handles: Hahahahaha. Seriously, that ref put on one hell of a hit. Should be fired, though.

Smooth as Eggs:

It’s one thing to get harrassed by LSU’s defense, but to get leveled by a ref. Weak.

Slow Jerk:
I really don’t understand how this isn’t getting play.  He tackles better than half of the Big 12.

The Right Rev: My mind still doesn’t believe what its eyes are telling it.

6. Lou Holtz Hitler comment

Mad Handles: Dude. Have you learned nothing, whitey? Hitler comments/jokes are ALWAYS off limits. Moron.

Smooth as Eggs:
The fact that ol’ Sylvester the Cat thinks Notre Dame and South Carolina are top programs showed he was senile. The fact that he thought it was a good idea to bring up Hitler as a good leader just proves he is a complete and total moron.

Slow Jerk:
ESPN suspended Jemele Hill for a simlilar comment.  Lou Holtz?  nothing.  Next time, say something worse papa Lou, we do not need you on TV.

The Right Rev: Hey, could be worse, Lou. At least you didn’t send pictures of your unit (no, I’m not talking about Rick Mirer) to an intern.

7. Ron Zook

Mad Handles: Hey, he’s one hell of a recruiter. On the sidelines, though, he’s still Ron Zook. Look at this this way, though, Illinois. There’s a good chance your next coach will properly use the talent Zook left him and make you a BCS force.

Smooth as Eggs:

See people, Florida wasn’t crazy. Zook really can’t coach.

Slow Jerk:
He waterskiis with coeds.

The Right Rev: Zook has big muscles on the recruiting trail, but like most meatheads, he lacks the muscle between his ears to take advantage of it.

Forget all the talk about Max Hall. The BYU quarterback proved he isn’t the promised one. And again, the non-BCS teams show why they don’t get an automatic bid. Now, if the guys in charge would realize the same should apply to the Big East, ACC and Big Mac, we’d be in business. That’s right folks, in addition to picking games and cracking jokes, we here at STQ are also open to change. We embrace change. STQ in 08.

Standings

Smooth as Eggs – 131-41 (17-7 last week)

Slow Jerk – 128-44 (17-7)

Mad Handles – 126-46 (17-7)

The Wrong Rev – 124-48 (14-10)

What kind of a coach is Greg Robinson? Who is the largest coach in America? These questions and more after the jump.

Top 25

Friday

Hawaii at (15) Boise State

Slow Jerk - Hawaii is probably the worst team to ever play in a BCS game. Well, except for kansas. Boise 33, Hawaii 19

Smooth as Eggs – This is where I’d normally make a joke about the Broncos treating the Warriors like Colt Brennan treats women, but that would be uncalled for since Brennan is no longer a member of the ohana. Boise State 48, Hawaii 14

The Right Rev - How the mighty have fallen. Can’t say I feel bad for Hawaii now that its favorite coach and favorite female assaulter are on to greener pastures. Boise 28, Hawaii 10

Saturday

(7) Texas Tech at Texas A&M

Slow Jerk - aTm sucks it, but man,Tech barely beat nebraska. Look for the fighting Javorskie Lanes to pull off the big upset at home. The yell leaders will blow each other after the game. aTm 30, Tech 26

Smooth as Eggs – Tech’s defense has more holes than those cheeseheads Mike Sherman is used to seeing, but aTm’s offense would even flunk in the SEC. TexTech 52, aTm 21

The Right Rev – Tech will win this one, but the Red Raiders are on borrowed time. Not sure why they aren’t as explosive as last year, but this is a team that will lose at LEAST three games (and could have more trouble in the hellhole that is lawrence, kansas, than the Rev originally expected). Tech 35, aTm 13

Syracuse at (19) USF

Slow Jerk - USF has an ailing Selvie. Syracuse has an ailing recent history. USF 24, ‘cuse 15

Smooth as Eggs - South Florida may not be good enough to legitimize the Big East, but the Bulls are definitely good enough to beat Syracuse. Your local middle school team is good enough to beat Syracuse. USF 38, Syracuse 17

The Right Rev – I still hate you, Greg Robinson, you p.o.s. coach. Burn in hell. This comment courtesy of Kansas City Chiefs fans everywhere. USF 24, Syracuse 7

(21) Wake Forest at Maryland

Slow Jerk - The ACC has actually looked “decent” in the past few weeks. Look for Maryland to pull off this minor upset. Maryland 30, Wake 22

Smooth as Eggs – Seriously, why can’t we get a Maryland-kansAss game. That way, everyone will know once and for all, who is bigger – the Mangina of the Fridge. Note – The Orange Bowl orange need not apply, as there is picture evidence that Mangina could eat you for a snack. Wake 21, Maryland 20

The Right Rev - Fear the fridge. God, the ACC is bad. Maryland 22, Wake Forest 20

(220 Vanderbilt at (10) Georgia

Slow Jerk - Hopefully this game doesn’t go into OT, because the UGA players can’t count past 4. Vandy 19, UGA 13

Smooth as Eggs - A little history lesson for the STQ readers, what happened the last time Vanderbilt visited Athens for Homecoming? That’s right, the Commodores were the life of the party, pulling off the upset and turning the red pants-clad crowd into a silent tizzy (seriously, 90,000 people have never been so quiet. Color me unimpressed with the Sanford Stadium game experience). Georgia 20, Vanderbilt 17

The Right Rev – The bubble is bursting, Vandy. Quick, Bobby Johnson: get out while you can! Georgia 28, Vanderbilt 10

(16) kansAss at (4) Oklahoma

Slow Jerk - Bradford shrinks himself down to reesing-height and still kicks the beak’s asses. OU 44, kansas 13

Smooth as Eggs - The Sooners play pretty well when they are angry. OU is probably pretty pissed right now. End result – the beakers’ asses end up gaping larger than Mangina. Yes, this is going to be that bad. Oklahoma 53, kansAss 12

The Right Rev – reesing will eat more turf than the cows they have patrolling the campus in lawrence impersonating ‘women.’ And Sam Bradford will have time to put on new war paint each time he drops back to pass. OU 666, kU 0

Colorado State at (14) Utah

Slow Jerk – No curse of the BYU here. Utah 29, CSU 19

Smooth as Eggs – Utah keeps the BCS busters hopes of mid-majors everywhere alive and Brian Johnson continues to give the Rev wet dreams. Utah 34, Colorado State 12

The Right Rev – Fans of BCS teams in a BCS-bowl hunt: Congratulations, we now can cheer for BYU to beat Utah when they meet later this season. Utah 24, Colorado State 3

Baylor at (8) Oklahoma State

Slow Jerk - I like Baylor, but it is in my best interests for OSU to do well. Okie State 31, Baylor 15

Smooth as Eggs – Baylor is dangerous. Not Dave Bliss ordering players murdered dangerous, but Robert Griffin is a scary athlete dangerous. Okie State 34, Baylor 27

The Right Rev – Robert Griffin III would need the other two Robert Griffins to show up for Baylor to have a chance in this one. Okie State 38, Baylor 17

Ole Miss at (2) Alabama

Slow Jerk - Do you know how badly I want to pick Ole Miss?  JPW’s sweet hairdo pulls this one out. ‘bama 15, Ole Miss 14

Smooth as Eggs – Want a remedy for a Wild Rebel – bring in a mountain. Of a man. Called Mount Cody. Bama 24, Ole Miss 10

The Right Rev – Bama scores a late TD to erase a one-point deficit and win, and front mullet fans everywhere rejoice. Bama 20, Ole Miss 14

(6) USC at Washington State

Slow Jerk - Ho hum, USC is overrated. USC 37, WSU 20

Smooth as Eggs – Completely serious here. Washington State has had like three quarterbacks hurt. The Cougars have conducted an open campus tryout to find additional QB help and the newly-added walk-on is currently the backup. Something tells me Dave Christensen is happy Wazzu passed. USC 48, Wazzu 5

The Right Rev – Yawn. USC 38, Wazzu 2

(12) Ohio State at (20) Michigan State

Slow Jerk - Yet another reason Penn State will win the Big 10. MSU 29, OSU 24

Smooth as Eggs – I dotted the i last night. On the Rev’s sister. Ohio State 27, Michigan State 21

The Right Rev – Ringer up the upset, baby. Mich State 21, Second-State U 20

(18) North Carolina at Virginia

Slow Jerk - UNC is my new favorite “it” team.  Can you say BCS? UNC 30, Virginia 13

Smooth as Eggs – Butch Davis can coach. Al Groh – not so much. UNC 28, Virginia 11

The Right Rev – The Heels will miss Tate, but they still are the class of this (expletive deleted) league. UNC 17, Virginia 10

(23) Pitt at Navy

Slow Jerk - Pitt finally crawled back into relevance.  Too bad they are still overrated. Pitt 3, Navy 0

Smooth as Eggs – It’s the power of the mustache. Fear it. Pitt 28, Navy 26

The Right Rev – Only in the Big East would a team with Pitt’s resume be in contention for the league title. Pitt 31, Navy 30

Michigan at (3) Penn State

Slow Jerk - Penn State – how’d you get so lucky to have a cupcake game mid season? Penn State 45, Michigan 0

Smooth as Eggs – JoePa’s favorite part of playing Michigan – the chance to catch up with his good friend and contemporary Fielding Yost. Penn State 30, Michigan 13

The Right Rev – The pain keeps coming for the Wolverines – and for people who are hoping SOMEONE, anyone can knock off the Big Televen’s national title contender. The funny thing? Penn State probably is better than SECONDSTATEU was at least in 2007 and maybe in 2006. Penn State 42, Michigan 14

(11) Missouri at (1) Texas

Slow Jerk - Mizzou makes up for a shitty performance last week by proving that they really ARE a special team.  They’ll only jump a few spots – if they had USC on their chests winning this game would put them in the top 3.  Rankings are shit. Mizzou 43, UT 33

Smooth as Eggs – Texas played great last week. Missouri played terribly. Get ready for a role reversal. Missouri 42, Texas 27

The Right Rev – These teams look a lot alike. Great run defenses. Horrible pass defenses. Quarterbacks Texas thought weren’t as good as Ryan “I should have gone to Miami” Perrilloux. What it will come down to? Who runs the ball better, and which QB has a better day. Chase Daniel already has his ‘down’ game of the year out of his system. Colt McCoy gets it out on Saturday – in the loss. Missouri 42, Texas 38

(13) LSU at South Carolina

Slow Jerk - Yes.  This will happen. South Carolina 20, LSU 14

Smooth as Eggs - All that’s going to happen are Cocks getting beat. LSU 32, South Carolina 8

The Right Rev – Give it up, Spurrier. LSU 31, South Carolina 10

(17) Virginia Tech at Boston College

Slow Jerk - This is my “terrible piece of shit” game of the week. VT 19, BC 15

Smooth as Eggs – ACC football at its finest (and by finest, I mean more boring than taking a drive through Nebraska and kansAss). Virginia Tech 24, Boston College 10

The Right Rev – Beamer ball, Beamer ball, Beamer ball, Beamer ball, Beamer ball. Woo. VaTech 14, BC 6

(25) Cal at Arizona

Slow Jerk – Holy hell, i feel bad for talking crap about the VT/BC game.  This is far worse. Arizona 3, Cal 0

Smooth as Eggs – Does Cal even know who is playing quarterback yet? And which quarterback is going to show up for Arizona – the real Willie T or the pansy who is afraid to get hit? Oh wait, that is the real Willie T. Cal 30, Arizona 24

The Right Rev - Mike Stoops: just as much of an a-hole as Bob, but much less successful. Arizona 19, Cal 17

Big 12

Nebraska at Iowa State

Slow Jerk – Bo better chew a LOT of gum. ISU 21, nebraska 17

Smooth as Eggs – What do Chizik and Bo have in common? Both supposed defensive geniuses are finding out talent helps. A lot. The Cyclones really are reBOrn. Iowa State 28, Nebraska 23

The Right Rev – The Huskers’ slide continues, as Bo Pelini pops another vein. Iowa State 28, Nebraska 27

kansas State at Colorado

Slow Jerk - Josh Freeman passes out not due to the oxygen but due to the fact that he’s fat. CU 33, ksu 29

Smooth as Eggs - Let’s call this the basement battle of Big 12 quarterbacks. Colorado 41, k-State 30

The Right Rev – Ron Prince will outthink himself at least 10 times in this game. And then talk about how “extraordinary” Colorado’s crappy offense is. Colorado 20, ksu 19

Other

Georgia Tech at Clemson

Slow Jerk – Words cannot describe how garbage this game could be. Clemson 16, GT 14

Smooth as Eggs – Here is to hoping that Shaw or Nesbitt can play for Tech. It’s the triple option’s only chance. Georgia Tech 17, Clemson 12

The Right Rev – Bowden got what he deserved. Now Clemson will, too, for not making the OBVIOUS choice and going back to Cullen Harper. Ga Tech 28, Clemson 20

Wisconsin at Iowa

Slow Jerk - Wisky – finally playing to their potential.  That is, a top 75 team in the country. Wisky 22, Iowa 10

Smooth as Eggs – I’m calling this the Slow Jerk Game of the Week and advising all STQ readers to NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH THIS GAME. Wisconsin 9, Iowa 7

The Right Rev – Keep looking for that first Big Televen win, Bielema. I’ll keep looking for signs Big Televen offenses know it isn’t 1910. Iowa 3, Wisconsin 2

Miami at Duke

Slow Jerk - Did you see the Office last night?  It was funny. Miama 20, Duke 0

Smooth as Eggs – Has Tennessee contacted Cutcliffe about being Fat Phil’s replacement yet? Miami 26, Duke 17

The Right Rev – The Canes are back. Sort of. Well, not really. But Duke sucks. Miami 24, Duke 17

Toledo at Northern Illinois (figure since we pick Big 10 games, might as well pick games from the second-best conference in the midwest)

Slow Jerk - This is more prestegious than beating Michigan. Toledo 21, NIU 15

Smooth as Eggs – Toledo upgrades to a bundt cake opponent. Toledo 24, Northern Illinois 21

The Right Rev – I have no response to this game, other than that Toledo and UNI probably are better than half the Big Televen. Toledo 37, Northern Illinois 35

Mississippi State at Tennessee

Slow Jerk - Tennessee is officially part of the Horizon League now. Miss St 3, Tenn 0

Smooth as Eggs - Why hasn’t Tennessee taken the Clemson route already? Mississippi State 3, Tennessee 2

The Right Rev – Another snooze fest. i suggest watching Fullmer eat on the sideline, it would be more entertaining that watching these teams play. Tenn 6, Mississippi St 3

Indiana at Illinois

Slow Jerk - Can Eddie McGee play yet? Illinois 30, Indiana 20

Smooth as Eggs – Wasn’t Illinois supposed to be a good team? Can Donovan McNabb also teach blocking, tackling, catching and running? Illinois 24, Indiana 16

The Right Rev – Illinois fans finally seem to be realizing what everyone else has been saying all along: Ron Zook will recruit like a maniac, then not use that talent. Illinois 22, Indiana 13

Well sportsfans, that was a hell of a weekend.  3 of your top teams lost.  My beloved Tigers played like they had “Auburn” or “Clemson” on the front of their jerseys.  Texas held Demarco Murray to single digit rushing yards.  Auburn fired Tony Franklin, thus setting back SEC offensive football even further (seriously, it can happen, folks).  This, of course, leads to a shake-up of the Dean’s List and Paddle Line, and a pretty uninspired performance from yours truly, Slow Jerk.  In all fairness, Dez Bryant and his overrated play and acidic attitude tore out my soul for a few days.  So, after the jump, check out where your favorite team ranks and read our witty anecdotes that follow.  Mine are a bit lame, but in all fairness I wrote them with a fauxhawk, mustache, and someone else’s jersey on.  The Rev is not represented on this list because he is busy interviewing for the O-Coordinator position at Auburn.   Click on “more”, bitches.

1. Texas

Smooth as Eggs – Colt is the real McCoy.

Mad Handles - I don’t know if they’re a legit No. 1, but they have as good a case as anyone.

Slow Jerk - The revolving number one is as relevant this year as it was last.

2. Alabama

Smooth as Eggs - Nick Saban is so crafty, he scheduled bye for the week when the rest of the top 5 gets shuffled. When is the value of his soul going to run out?

Mad Handles - Nick Saban is creepier than that talking baby in the E-Trade commercials.

Slow Jerk - Weak, weak number 2.

3. Penn State

Smooth as Eggs – The Nittany Lions and JoePa are partying like its 1929.

Mad Handles - Someone asked JoePa who he was planning to vote for in the upcoming election. He replied cryptically, “Tippecanoe and Tyler too!”

Slow Jerk - After this week PSU will be sitting at number one. Count on it.

4. Florida

Smooth as Eggs – Team to beat in the SEC. Those questions on the offense – answered. Superman looked pretty good, too.

Mad Handles - No rating system is without its flaws, even this one. See, how in the hell can Florida be No. 4 with a loss to Ole Miss on its schedule?

Slow Jerk - Florida proved it once and for all – the SEC isn’t as strong as people think.

5. Oklahoma

Smooth as Eggs – Once again Big Game Bob chokes like a two-cent hooker.

Mad Handles - Well, it was played in the Cotton Bowl. Maybe Bob got confused?

Slow Jerk - I’ll tell you what, Chase Daniel could learn how to lose like Sam Bradford. 5 TD’s in a LOSS!

6. Oklahoma State

Smooth as Eggs – Everybody knows that Gundy is a man. He also proved that he’s a pretty good coach.

Mad Handles - Pretty stupid call to go for that fake punt with 18 yards to gain the first down, but other than that, a solid coaching performance by The Man.

Slow Jerk - This makes me sad, but man, Okie (YES I SAID OKIE) State really played a solid game against my Tigers.

7. USC

Smooth as Eggs – The Trojans gave Rudy a dirty Sanchez.

Mad Handles - Must be nice to be USC. This team lost to unranked Oregon State, and they’ve come back up to 7th already. All hail the traditional football powers!

Slow Jerk - I don’t agree with this ranking.

8. BYU

Smooth as Eggs – The Mormons keep on winning – 16 straight.

Mad Handles - How frustrating must it be for BYU knowing that even with an undefeated season, they won’t be playing for a National Championship?

Slow Jerk - BYU should not be ahead of Mizzou. Unless we’re talking about “amount of virgins on team”.

9. Missouri

Smooth as Eggs – Highly disappointing that the Tigers didn’t show up ready to play Saturday. But, Missouri still had a chance to win against a fine ballclub in the last 2 minutes.

Mad Handles - Bad loss, but it came against a Top 20 opponent. For that reason, Missouri does not leave the Top 10.

Slow Jerk - It is only a bad loss because they played like shit. Losing a close game to a ranked team – reality check for my Tigers.

10. Texas Tech

Smooth as Eggs – Why a drop despite winning? Beating Nebraska in overtime isn’t impressive. The Cornhuskers suck.

Mad Handles - For real? Overtime against Nebraska? Leave it to Mike Leach to make Bo Pelini look smart.

Slow Jerk - That OT game against nebraska was exciting. But it is also an OT WIN AGAINST NEBRASKA. Lame.

11. Georgia

Smooth as Eggs – Luckily for the Manspooning CrimeDawgs that Fat Phil has ruined Tennessee.

Mad Handles - And Matt Stafford is just the latest opponent to have a career day against Tennessee.

Slow Jerk - I could beat Tennessee.

12. Utah

Smooth as Eggs – Good enough to knock teams out with only 240 yards of offense.

Mad Handles - Still waiting to see the Mormon State Bowl – Utah vs. BYU.

Slow Jerk - They are on a collision course for a subpar bowl.

13. Ohio State

Smooth as Eggs – The Buckeyes’ offense is SEC-esque.

Mad Handles - Look, talking heads, Ohio State is a decent team. But stop talking about them in the NC hunt, ok? They were exposed by USC and have struggled against teams like Purdue. This is not a title-caliber team. It’s just not. Give it a year or two.

Slow Jerk - Terrelle Pryor has a long way to go before I’ll call him the next Ell Roberson.

14. Boise State

Smooth as Eggs – Wondering when the Rev adds Kellen Moore to his boycrushes, alongside fellow non-bcs QB Brian Johnson?

Mad Handles - The Broncos needed just one quarter to body slam Southern Miss into oblivion. Impressive.

Slow Jerk - Southern Miss. What a challenge.

15. LSU

Smooth as Eggs – So much for the SEC West’s supremacy. The Tigers took care of that when they spread eagle in front of the Gators on Saturday.

Mad Handles - Did anyone seriously doubt that LSU would lay an egg at the Swamp?

Slow Jerk - Sorry, Les, but you’re an 8 win team this year.

16. Michigan State

Smooth as Eggs – Shame on the rest of you hacks for not believing in Javon Ringer. If Ron Dayne and Larry Johnson can run roughshod through this conference, why not Ringer?

Mad Handles - Impressive. I’ll admit that I thought Northwestern would expose State, but I should have known that, backs against the wall, Spartans will always make a stand.

Slow Jerk - I don’t know if I can consider a win against Northwestern “impressive” – is Darnell Autry back?

17. North Carolina

Smooth as Eggs – Who are the Heels’ going to target when Butch bails for bigger and better things?

Mad Handles - Can someone please arrange a cage fight between Butch Davis and Roy Williams? I’d pay good money to see it on PPV.

Slow Jerk - I’m telling you, Slow Jerk picked this. They are a solid football team.

18. Wake Forest

Smooth as Eggs – Why hasn’t Jim Grobe – aka best coach in America – fled for someplace decent yet?

Mad Handles - Grobe will be able to pick his spot when he decides to leave Wake for a real football school.

Slow Jerk - What does “Wake Forest” even mean?

19. Cal

Smooth as Eggs – Good news for the Bears – Jahvid Best looks ready to return from injury.

Mad Handles - Cal bores me to death.

Slow Jerk - Talk about a pity ranking. Bore.

20. Ball State

Smooth as Eggs – BOOM goes the Cardinals.

Mad Handles - Time for Jason Whitlock to start wearing his old Ball State uni to every event he covers the rest of this year.

Slow Jerk - I guess if you don’t lose in the MAC you get some kind of recognition.

21. Virginia Tech

Smooth as Eggs – The Hokies average less than 300 yards of offense. In other words, only the pink skirts defense of Nebraska can make Virginia Tech’s offense looks good.

Mad Handles - The Hokies are still high in my book. Taking out Nebraska will do that for you.

Slow Jerk - Sean Glennon now voluntarily forgets his jersey.

Paddle Line

1. Tommy Tubberville

Smooth as Eggs – You decide to join the 21st century and implement the spread. Despite the obvious – Auburn lacks the skill position players to make the spread work – you then decide to fire your new offensive coordinator just six games into the season. You then go and lose to Arkansas – a team that had lost three straight by an average of 36 points per game. Get ready for unemplyoment.

Mad Handles - Seriously, dumbass, what is wrong with you? You don’t decide to implement the spread on a whim and then nix it before you make it to the halfway point of the season. What a douche. Administration should have fired you two seconds after you canned your OC.

Slow Jerk - I hear he’s going to run a mix of the “run-and-shoot” and that high school offense with two qb’s. Oughta work.

2. Ricky Jean-Francois

Smooth as Eggs – You are dumb enough to call out Tim Tebow, claiming you couldn’t wait for the chance to take him out. Except for the fact that you didn’t play. It doesn’t matter how injured you are, you open your mouth, you better back it up. Otherwise you leave your teammates vulnerable for a 30-point ass beating. Should have known that some fag with a French name would lay down rather than fight.

Mad Handles - Hey, Ricky, when you can back up what you say, let’s talk. Until then, just keep your mouth shut.

Slow Jerk - Don’t talk shit to the opponent when you aren’t even going to play. Weak sauce.

3. Georgia Tech’s “spread” option

Smooth as Eggs – Paul Johnson can call it a spread option, but it’s good ol’ fashion triple option. No matter. The Yellow Jackets looked inept Saturday. A win is a win, but 199 total yards and 79 rushing yards on 47 carries against the power that is Gardner Webb. Yuck.

Mad Handles - Triple option. Triple option. TRIPLE OPTION!

Slow Jerk - The Triple Option only works in video games these days.

4. kansAss

Smooth as Eggs – Oklahoma just lost. Oklahoma is big. And talented. And now ticked off. Not a good time to be a beaker. Actually, there’s never a good time to be a scumbag. Enjoy.

Mad Handles - Good luck, jackasses. But it’ll take more than that.

Slow Jerk - Fuck them.

5. Chase Daniel

Smooth as Eggs – We here at STQ love the sawed-off quarterback that is Chase Daniel. However, we’re objective enough to realize that Daniel stunk up Memorial Stadium on Saturday. The faux-hawk and mustache weren’t impressive, either.

Mad Handles - I’m convinced that wasn’t Chase Daniel playing for Missouri on Saturday. Rather, it was the Chase Daniels kid everyone is talking about. Daniel would never look that bad, but Daniels… that’s another story.

Slow Jerk - Why was someone named #25 playing QB for the Tigers? Here’s the thing – Chase came out a bit cocky and it bit him in the ass. He’ll bounce back – this team needed a reality check. Watch out, Texas.

6. Vanderbilt’s offense

Smooth as Eggs – The Commodores looked like an SEC team Saturday – 107 yards. How exactly did this lame conference get to be so popular again?

Mad Handles - It looked almost as bad as Chase Daniel’s fauxhawk and moustache.

Slow Jerk - They out-thought themselves.

7. RRS officiating

Smooth as Eggs – When Kirk Herbstreit is calling you out on national television, you know you suck. They were so impressed by horrible (acting) performances, they’re probably convinced that Matthew Stafford is an elite quarterback, that Mark Mangino is fit and that Ron Prince really is Scary Smart.

Mad Handles - What more is there to say?

Slow Jerk - Punters = the character actors of football.

Consider us here at Streaking the Quad as the SEC of college sports blogs. Well, yes, we are the greatest even though we have no way of actually proving that. But that isn’t what I meant. Rather, we came out flat last week and forgot to show up.

Lesson learned. It won’t happen again. To ensure that, Mad Handles spent the week pulling tires, Slow Jerk ran steps, The Right Rev had to listen to about a billion jokes about his smoking hot sister and I, Smooth as Eggs, was forced to watch a replay of Auburn-Mississippi State. Trust me, after that torture, your beloved professors are ready to raise their game.

Standings

Smooth as Eggs — 114-35 (0-1 this week)

Slow Jerk — 112-37 (1-0)

The Right Rev — 111 -38 (1-0)

Mad Handles — 110-39 (1-0)

Picks

Full-blown analysis from the smartest and most sarcastic kids in the room after the jump.

Top 25

(5) Texas vs. (1) Oklahoma at Dallas

Mad Handles - One of the best games played each year. Even though it’s like a bowl game, Stoops and the Sooners come out on top. OU 38, Texas 21

Slow Jerk – Texas doesn’t have the horses to keep up with the Sooners. They also don’t have the talent or execution. OU 31, Texas 24

Smooth as Eggs – Yes, that is Mack Brown pissing down his leg. It happens every time he sees Bob Stoops across the field. Oklahoma 31, Texas 28

The Right Rev – Mack Brown still can’t knock off the Sooners, but Texas will expose one thing: Oklahoma really missess Curtis Lofton and Reggie Smith. Oklahoma 38, Texas 35

Colorado at (16) kansAss

Mad Handles - It’s really too bad this game isn’t in Boulder. The location gives the dirty birds the edge. kansas 28, Colorado 27

Slow Jerk – I call this one Darrell Scott’s coming out party. Also, Todd Reesing will confirm after the game that he spit on Joe Mortenson, but it wasn’t on the field, and he didn’t really spit ON him but spit him out. cu 14, ku 10

Smooth as Eggs – After watching Florida State treat Colorado’s defense like Kobe Bryant treats random women in Eagle, Colo., there may be concerns about the Buffs. However, kansAss’ running game is essentially a Tiger Ten. Colorado 33, kansAss 13

The Right Rev – The Jayhawks are in real danger of going 6-6 this season. Seriously, look at their schedule – they still have games against Texas, Oklahoma, Texas Tech and Missouri on the schedule, and potentially dangerous games this weekend and at Nebraska. If Austen Arnaud can throw the ball against the beakers, what are McCoy, Bradford, Harrell, Daniel, Ganz and co going to do? Colorado 666, kansas 0

(14) Utah at Wyoming

Mad Handles – Yeah, Utah wins big, but does this game really tell us anything about them? Utah 45, Wyoming 10

Slow Jerk – Have you ever actually seen Wyoming? They have the color scheme of UPS. I will now morph into your favorite broadcaster: “They will deliver a win to Utah” Lame. Utah 31, Wyoming 13

Smooth as Eggs – Utah is going to go brokeback on these Cowboys. Utah 35, Wyoming 3

The Right Rev – Four years ago, coach Joe Glenn was a hot commodity. Now? On the verge of losing his job. And the Rev’s man crush Brian Johnson rolls on. Utah 24, Wyoming 20

(13) Vanderbilt at Mississippi State

Mad Handles - George Smith is kind of a simpleton, but Vandy’s legit. These SEC match ups tend to be low scoring affairs. Why should this one be any different? Vandy 14, Mississippi State 13

Slow Jerk – Here goes another high flying, exciting SEC game. Prediction – Vandy wins this and actually falls in the rankings. Vandy 15, Miss St 3

Smooth as Eggs – The Commodores are smart enough to realize that there is no such thing as offense in the SEC, therefore punting and playing defense wins games. Vandy 14, Mississippi State 8 (four safeties)

The Right Rev – The smart little train that could keeps rolling on. Vandy 23, Mississippi State 16

Nebraska at (7) Texas Tech

Mad Handles - Hey, I heard Bo has a special defense in store for the Red Raiders, and that Mike Ekeler is “jacked” about this game plan. The Blackshirts are BACK, baby! Texas Tech 72, Nebraska 24

Slow Jerk – Nebraska actually gets an offense in gear because Tech’s defense SUCKS. But, Tech scores all over nebraska because its defense SUCKS. TTU 47, nub 31

Smooth as Eggs – Mike Leach doesn’t care what people think about him or running up the score. Not good news for the Pink Skirts defense. Texas Tech 66, Nebraska 22

The Right Rev – Mike Leach is a pirate. Garr. He will raid the the crap out of Nebraska’s “bend-us-over” defense. And then Ndamakuh Suh will spit on Graham Harrell, while Bo Pelini smiles. Texas Tech 73, Nebraska 28

Arizona State at (8) USC

Mad Handles - You gotta think USC is still good and pissed. Arizona State had a chance to make a name for itself earlier vs. Georgia and chose to turtle. This one could get ugly quick. USC 38, Arizona State 21

Slow Jerk – Sanchez is back and there is not a cheat in the world that Erikson can use to win this one. USC 33, ASU 19

Smooth as Eggs – Seriously, how does Mark Sanchez still have a knee? USC 38, Arizona State 9

The Right Rev – USC: Still much better than the rest of the Little-10. USC 31, Arizona State 17

Tennessee at (10) Georgia

Mad Handles - Georgia’s incompetence on offense is surpassed only by Phil Fullmer’s incompetence as a coach. Georgia 14, Tennessee 13

Slow Jerk - SEC SEC SEC SEC SEC SPEED SPEED SPEED SPEED. UGA 17, Tenn 7

Smooth as Eggs – The Fat Phil watch continues to grow. And Georgia continues to underwhelm, mainly because the ManSpooning CrimeDawgs just aren’t that good. Georgia 17, Tennessee 10

The Right Rev – A game that will bore all who watch it. But Matt Stafford will make two throws that no one else can make (while missing six-10 anyone else can make), and the announcers will drool. UGA 19, Tennessee 12

Purdue at (12) Ohio State

Mad Handles - This one sucks. Why? Because OSU will win big over an incompetent opponent and the talking heads will continue with the “OSU national championship hopes” discussion that began after last week’s victory over the fraud that is Wisconsin. Ohio State 35, Purdue 7

Slow Jerk – Pryor gets stifled in this game, but Purdue can’t stop beanie. Nope. Ohio State 29, Purdue 22

Smooth as Eggs – Terrelle Pryor’s greatest talent – making the Buckeyes look half-way decent on offense. Ohio State 27, Purdue 11

The Right Rev – I have Purdue friends. I feel for them. SECONDSTATE U 28, Purdue 10

Notre Dame at (22) North Carolina

Mad Handles - Yeah, the 14 I’m giving Notre Dame refers not to how many points they will score, rather to how many excuses Irish fans will make for Charlie Weiss in an attempt to rationalize their stunning departure from football relevance. Lou Holtz will still proclaim their greatness. UNC 28, Notre Dame 14

Slow Jerk – I told you UNC was good. Go look a the ACC preview I did. Seriously. I’m God. UNC 33, ND 13

Smooth as Eggs – Don’t believe all the talk that Notre Dame is a good team. At least not until the Irish win against a good team on the road. And that’s not happening this week. Butch Davis>>>>>>>>Charlie Weis. North Carolina 30, Notre Dame 14

The Right Rev – Notre Dame is starting to look decent (about time, considering the highly rated talent they’ve been throwing at the wall), but not good enough to win on the road against a good team. North Carolina 21, Notre Dame 20

(23) Michigan State at Northwestern

Mad Handles - This one’s for my home boy Brad. Go Wildcats! Northwestern 28, Michigan State 24

Slow Jerk – Sparty gets beat by people who claim to have a better J-School than Mizzou. Northwestern 33, Michigan State 29

Smooth as Eggs – Northwestern’s a nice story. But only the Spartans have a Ringer. Michigan State 28, Northwestern 26

The Right Rev – I remained unconvinced the fighting Javon Ringers are a top 25 team. The Wildcats will confirm this belief this weekend. Northwestern 35, Michigan State 34

Arkansas at (20) Auburn

Mad Handles - Look, don’t watch this one live, play it on NCAA 09. That’s the ONLY way it’ll be fun. If you must watch it live, resist the urge to stick hot pokers into your eyes. Auburn 10, Arkansas 6

Slow Jerk – Neither one can score a touchdown. Auburn takes their safety and rejoices that someone did something in the end zone. Auburn 2, Arky 0

Smooth as Eggs – How do you fix a pathetic offense – even by SEC’s low standards – fire the offensive coordinator just six games into the season after he attempts to convert the Tigers’ “skill players” into the spread offense. Or not. Rather, it’s just a desperate ploy by a coach feeling the heat. Auburn 19, Arkansas 7

The Right Rev - Seriously, Auburn, if you don’t score 20 points against Arkansas, you should stop playing offense and just punt on first down every possession. Auburn 3, Arkansas 2

New Mexico at (9) BYU

Mad Handles - BYU continues to torment the BCS committee. BYU 42, New Mexico 21

Slow Jerk – I honestly could not care less than I do for this game. BYU has no shot for anything of worth. BYU 29, New Mexico 28

Smooth as Eggs – Is BYU also a finesse team? Or has Rocky Long learned his lesson? BYU 40, New Mexico 24

The Right Rev – Yawn. BYU 49, New Mexico 17

(25) Ball State at Western Kentucky

Mad Handles - Ball State? I guess they win this one. They are No. 25, right? Holy shit. When did this happen? Ball State 28, Western KY 17

Slow Jerk – Next game Paul Shaffer will make drop-in comments over the coaches’ headsets. Ball State 30, WKU 17

Smooth as Eggs – I’m floored that I haven’t seen the fat waste of space that is Jason Whitlock touting the Cardinals more. True story – he showed up at Memorial Stadium in Columbia, Mo., to cover a game between Ball State and Missouri wearing his Cardinals’ uniform. Hack. Ball State 31, Western Kentucky 20

The Right Rev – Ball State is a damn good team, and they deserve to be ranked. The Rev’s prayers are with you, Dante Love. Ball State 42, Western Kentucky 34

(17) Oklahoma State at (3) Missouri

Mad Handles - At about 10:30 p.m. Central Time on Saturday night, there are going to be a lot of people feeling pretty stupid for not seeing this one coming. Mizzou wins big. Missouri 55, Okie Lite 24

Slow Jerk – Okie State has a good offense – but they rely on the run. Mizzou has a very salty run D. Mizzou can pass and run with efficiancy. Okie State’s D is the opposite of salty. It’s without salinity. It is NOT GOOD. Mizzou 62, Okie State 23

Smooth as Eggs – So much for those old-school principles that controlling the ball is key to success. Only The Rev’s sister scores faster – or more – than the Tigers – who rank last in time of possession. Missouri 56, Oklahoma State 24

The Right Rev – Look, Oklahoma State’s offense is outstanding. But Missouri’s D matches up well against it (Missouri is No. 15 in the nation against the run and is holding opponents to less than 3 yards per carry – and that includes some good run offenses in Nevada and Illinois). Missouri 52, Oklahoma State 27

(4) LSU at (11) Florida

Mad Handles – It’s at Florida. And stranger things have happened in the SEC this season… for example there was one week when two SEC teams actually scored 41 points. Anything is possible. Florida 24, LSU 17

Slow Jerk – Are we sure the SEC isn’t the ACC in disguise? UF 12, LSU 10

Smooth as Eggs – Consider this, if nothing else, as Smooth as Eggs proving how smart he is by keeping the peace in the Eggs household – the missus is a Gator fan. As such, it pains me to say Florida’s offensive struggles remind me of Missouri, circa 2004. Florida 18, LSU 16

The Right Rev – Doesn’t Ricky Jean Francois know better than to commit blaspemy (by suggesting Jesus Tebow can be injured)? Florida 30, LSU 24

(6) Penn State at Wisconsin

Mad Handles - This is close ONLY because it’s at Camp Randall and JoePa insists that, because it’s “camp,” his players sleep in tents on the field the night before the game. Penn State 27, Wisconsin 24

Slow Jerk – The Spread HD is a lot like JoePa. Why, I’m not sure. PSU 35, Wisky 22

Smooth as Eggs – If senile JoePa can learn what offense is, how can Bielema still be lost and confused? Penn State 27, Wisconsin 12

The Right Rev – Two losses in a row at Camp Randall? Does that mean Bielema is losing it? No, it means their schedule at home has been tissue soft since he became coach. Penn State 45, Wisconsin 19

(15) Boise State at Southern Miss

Mad Handles - Boise State continues an unsettling day for the BCS committee. They might want to start buying Mylanta by the barrel. Boise State 31, Southern Miss 13

Slow Jerk – Very entertaining game between teams with terrible uniforms. BSU 41, Southern Miss 36

Smooth as Eggs – Rumor is Brett Favre wants to return to college now. It’s Southern Mississippi’s only chance. Boise State 33, Southern Miss 8

The Right Rev – The Rev has no response to this game. Boise 28, Southern Miss 27

Big 12

k-State at aTm

Mad Handles – The Battle for the Basement! As bad as kansas State is, aTm is that much worse. Things are not good in College Station. kState 27, aTm 17

Slow Jerk – Futility. ksu 17, aTm 3

Smooth as Eggs - Even community college players are superior to the crap the Aggies are throwing out there. k-State 30, aTm 29

The Right Rev – Ron Prince called the Aggies’ offense “extraordinary.” Yeah, he’s THAT dumb. aTm 28, k State 22

Iowa State at Baylor

Mad Handles - Chizik’s team had its chance to steal one last week. This week they’re up against a team that can actually run the ball. Baylor 38, Iowa State 21

Slow Jerk - I still like Baylor. I don’t care if they aren’t very good. Baylor 31, Iowa State 23

Smooth as Eggs – Maybe Chizik should have waited a year and taken over the Bears’ program. At least there is talent in Waco. Baylor 21, Iowa State 17

The Right Rev – Robert Griffin takes the Bears one step closer to respectability. Baylor 30, Iowa State 27

Other

Minnesota at Illinois

Mad Handles - Who picked this game? Illinois 41, Minnesota 24

Slow Jerk – Eddie McGee, where are you? Illini 33, Minnesota 17

Smooth as Eggs – Juice Williams still isn’t a good quarterback. Then again, he’s probably the second-best the Big Mac has to offer. Illinois 30, Minnesota 14

The Right Rev – Both teams think they should be ranked. Illinois will show why its claim is valid, and Minnesota’s is not. Illinois 33, Minnesota 13

Rutgers at Cincinnati

Mad Handles - Well hey, Schiano, at least you duped the Rutgers administration into spending $100 million on stadium renovations. They must hate you right now. Cincy 28, Rutgers 17

Slow Jerk – Don’t care to comment. Cinci 30, Rutgers 10

Smooth as Eggs – Remember two years ago when people thought these programs were legit. They weren’t. It’s just how weak the Big East is. Cincinnati 20, Rutgers 18

The Right Rev - Awful Big East football on display, folks. Cincinnati 6, Rutgers 3

South Carolina at Kentucky

Mad Handles – Another boring SEC match up. Things just aren’t working out for ol’ Stevie Wonder anymore, eh? Kentucky 17, South Carolina 14

Slow Jerk – This is the highest scoring SEC game of the year. Metaphorically. South Carolina 23, Kentucky 18

Smooth as Eggs – It doesn’t matter how much worse of a coach Steve Spurrier is now than he was when he had an overabundance of talent at his disposal in Florida, the Wildcats are coached by Rich Brooks. Advantage Cocks. South Carolina 14, Kentucky 10

The Right Rev – Remind them that it’s 2008, not 1908, please? Someone, anyone? Kentucky 10, South Carolina 3

Arizona at Stanford

Mad Handles – The Cardinal use home field advantage to eek out a close one. Stanford 31, Arizona 24

Slow Jerk – Why, Pick-god, is this here? Stanford 26, Arizona State 25

Smooth as Eggs – So, will the Hoff drive KITT up to Palo Alto to hang out in the student section? Stanford 16, Arizona 14

The Right Rev – Pussies always win. Arizona 28, Stanford 27

Week seven marks the return of Honors Courses. I took a one-week hiatus last week… and can’t really offer a good explanation as to why, other than this isn’t my full-time job, and frankly life just gets in the way sometimes. I couldn’t take this week off, though. There are simply too  many good games to not weigh in. Everyone knows why you should watch Texas/Oklahoma in the Red River Shootout, but what about LSU/Florida, or Tennessee/Georgia? Why is Northwestern probably going to take out Michigan State? Find out in this week’s edition of Honors Courses.

(5) Texas vs. (1) Oklahoma at Dallas – 11:00 a.m.
The Red River Shootout is the game of the week, and it’s not even close. If you can only watch one game this week, make sure it’s this one. Both teams are undefeated heading in, and you better believe this game has National Title implications. From what I’ve read, it seems everyone is just assuming that OU will come out on top. Maybe that’s because of the Sooners’ No. 1 ranking heading in. Maybe it’s because the Sooners have won six of the past eight games in the series. That assumption could be a mistake, however. This game features two Heisman-hopeful QBs in Oklahoma’s Sam Bradford and Texas’ Colt McCoy. Both offenses are clicking. In fact, in scoring offense, the numbers look remarkably similar, with the Sooners racking up 248 points and the Longhorns racking up 236 points through five games. Even looking at numbers on total offense doesn’t clear the water. Oklahoma might have the edge with 548.4 yards, good enough for 5th in the nation, but Texas weighs in with 483 yards, giving them the No. 11 offense in the land. I’ll spare you the numbers on defense, but believe me when I say that points against are equally similar for both teams. Beware anyone who claims to know with absolute certainty who will win this game, because picking it is truly a fool’s errand. Expect this one to be up in the air going into the fourth quarter, and it could very well come down to the last possession.

Tennessee at (10) Georgia – 2:30 p.m.
This one could be boring. Strike that, this one probably will be boring. I’ll be tuning in, though because I have a healthy curiosity about how Georgia will rebound from it’s crushing defeat at the hands of the Crimson Tide. Look, Georgia leads Tennessee this season in just about every category that matters, but keep in mind that Tennessee has won the past two meetings  in this series. Tennesse was also able to solve Knowhawn Moreno in their last meeting, holding the dynamic runner to just 30 yards last season. There aren’t many defenses that can accomplish that feat. If Tennessee is going to win this game, that’s exactly what they’re going to need to do again. Good news, Vols, Moreno is still suffering from that bruised elbow. Of course, dude doesn’t run with his elbows.

(23) Michigan State at Northwestern – 2:30 p.m.
If you don’t want to bore yourself to death with the SEC match up above, give this one from the Big Ten a try. I like that this one is in Evanston, where Northwestern historically plays well. Truth be told, Northwestern should probably be the ranked team in this game, and that’s very well how it might end up afterward. I should let my Northwestern friend Brad write this one, but it wouldn’t be objective. He’ll just be happy I picked this one to highlight. It will probably be the most interesting game in the Big Ten this week. The only other game that would come close would be Penn State/Wisconsin, and I don’t expect that one to be in question very long. Lets take a quick look at some numbers. We have two teams who put up similar numbers on offense, with Michigan State averaging 28.5 points per game and 384 yards, while Northwestern is putting up 25 points and 364 yards per game. The difference between the two teams, though, is on the defensive side of the ball. Michigan State is giving up a respectable 16.2 points per game, but that number jumps to 30 on the road. Northwestern is downright stingy, only allowing opponents 12.4 ppg on the season, and a silly 8.3 ppg at home. I look for this one to be a low scoring affair, and I’ll give the edge to the Wildcats based on location and their defensive presence at home.

(17) Okie State at (3) Missouri – 7:00 p.m.
So I learned this week that some Oklahoma State fans don’t particularly like being referred to as “Okie State” or “Okie Lite.” That’s cool. I can respect that. Doesn’t mean I won’t still throw the occasional “Okie Lite” reference out there, because, frankly, it’s one of my favorites. But I’ll try to be better. Everyone seems to think this one will be a shootout. The over/under is set at 80, and the spread is just 14. Missouri doesn’t often see a spread that low. I’m going to follow the lead of my pal Slow Jerk and call this one a blow out, and I’d take the under and wouldn’t lose a wink of sleep over it. This game is setting up to be a replay of last year’s Missouri/Texas Tech game, where all of the experts predicted a shootout and had all kinds of fun ideas about how many total yards the game would produce. The same reasons then are the same reasons now: Tech/Okie Lite (damn, there it is again) has a dynamic offense that can put up yards, and the Missouri secondary is suspect. The thing is, oSu (is that better?) is a team that racks up its yardage on the ground, and Missouri has a more-than-respectable run defense. Remember how that Texas Tech game turned out last season? Tech scored 10 points. I’m not saying Missouri will hold oSu to 10, but I am saying that a lot of people are going to second guess their prediction models after the dust settles on this one. Watch this game because even if only one offense shows up, you’re pretty much assured of having a great time watching it.

(4) LSU at (11) Florida – 7:00 p.m.
I know what game I’ll be watching come 7 p.m. Saturday night, but as the scores tick across the board at Faurot Field in Columbia, MO, I’ll be keeping an eye out for this one. And the first thing I’ll do when I get home is hit up SportsCenter and the Interweb to see if loudmouth LSU defensive tackle Ricky Jean-Francois was able to follow up on his promise to “knock Tebow out of the game.” Big talk for a dude most people have never heard of before he opined on Tremendous Timmy’s game fortunes. I like it. These teams don’t like each other, and that usually makes for an intense battle where composure becomes key. Once again we have a game where the stats for each side are quite similar. Surprisingly, at least to this blowhard, LSU actually comes into the game averaging more yards per game on offense than Florida. I knew that the Gator attack hadn’t been what we’ve come to expect from Urban Meyer’s fast-paced spread offense, but I wouldn’t have thought a team like LSU would lead them in total yards of offense. Hey, that just makes this game more interesting. I’d like to give the edge to the home team here, but LSU has won two of the past three meetings in Gainesville. If Percy Harvin is back AND he’s legitimately healthy, that should be an edge to Florida, because he will be the most electrifying player on the field. I’m skeptical, though, because we’ve heard this same song and dance from Florida about Harvin’s health before. This season, in fact. This guy must be as fragile as a Hummel figurine. Too bad, because he’s got all the tools to dominate.

So, forgive your professors at STQ for not getting this up sooner — we’ve been busy studying up on the important games — you know, the ones played on Saturday. Better late than sorry, here is how the resident experts break down the conference clash between Wake Forest and Clemson.

Mad Handles — So much for preseason polls, right? I mean, if we were going by what the “experts” predicted before anyone played a down, Clemson would have rolled in this one. Wake 21, Clemson 17

Slow Jerk — Nothing (everything) makes me more excited (brain-fried bored) than a great (god-awful) matchup between teams (random gathering of athletic college students) from the powerful (ball-less) ACC Conference (AARP). Wake 21, Clemson 19

Smooth as Eggs — Consider this a hunch, since Tommy Bowden is still a leading candidate for worst coach in America and Jim Grobe is a genius. But, at some point, the Tigers’ talent will look good for a game. Clemson 20, Wake Forest 17

The Right Rev — Congratulations, Tommy Bowden. Once again, you coach the most disappointing team in college football. You’ve ALMOST got the lifetime achievement award sewed up. Wake 19, Clemson 17

Good afternoon, sportsfans.  As this site starts to pick up some traffic, I’d like to speak candidly to you, if I may.  My name is Slow Jerk, and I’m awesome.  I contribute to this fine, if not growing, blog.  I may say inappropriate things.  You may enjoy our work, or you may think we are complete and total wastes of sperm.  But you know what?

That’s cool.

We want to know what you are thinking.  This blog is obviously about us and what we think, but more than that, we want discussion.  We want arguments.  We want all out melees where people’s mothers and sisters are painted as harlots and stankcrotches.  This is the internet, people, and we want a piece of you.  Things are said on this website that, if i’m being honest, we may not 100% stand behind.  Why would we do that?  Because, it’s much more fun to rag on something than to praise it.  Sure, Alabama is a good football team this year.  But their QB is named John Parker Wilson and he looks like this:

His head looks like a damn walnut.  And that name – good lord, man.  Pretty soon he’ll be giving fake handjobs on the set of the Young and the Restless.

What’s the point, you ask?  Well, we want comments.  We want discussion.

kansas fans- you’re kansas, and you suck.  You should want to defend yourself at every strike.  Hell, we pick you to lose every game.  And you don’t have a single playmaker on that “football” team of yours.

SEC fans – your conference is VASTLY overrated.  Outside of 2-3 teams, you are a glorified Big 10.  And don’t get me started on the big 10… terrible.  Maybe if those two conferences merged we’d have a decent competitor for the Big 12.  Maybe.

So, here at STQ we are about 88% awesome already.  With your contributions and insights, dear readers, we can achieve 100% awesome.  And who knows, you might even be funnier than Smooth as Eggs.

One last thing before I leave you for the day – Personal attacks are good.  You think that I’m an idiot?  Well, then you should take the time to tell me so.  “Hey Slow Jerk-off, what do you know?  I bet that when you were young you probably fast jerked to pictures of your own mother and then shot your Jacquizz all over your father’s shoes.”  Something like that.  Probably not as messed up though.  That’s all me.

Here’s to a great relationship between you internet-blog-nerd readers and us internet-blog-nerd writers.  If you like our site, spread the word.  We are actually serious about making this site fun and somewhat informative, so look for new features.  As the Georgia fan said about the internet – “Internets?  Is that when I stuck my Ugggga inter my sister’s neths?”  Did that even make sense?  Nope.  Enjoy.

Dean’s list

We’re into full-fledged conference season now, which always separates the men from the boys. The Real Teams from the Pretenders. So sit back and enjoy the ride. The Rev is so excited, he ripped out of one of his too-tight shirts. Slow Jerk is sharpening his mental pencil (there’s still a little nub left). Mad Handles is working on his metaphor-simile crossovers, and Smooth as Eggs? He’s polishing his game like The Rev polished off Jerk’s mom.

Find our Top 21 and Bottom 7 after the jump.

1. Oklahoma

Smooth as Eggs: The Sooners in a large game at a neutral site….UH OH. Wait, it’s not bowl season yet.

Slow Jerk: Baylor’s only chance to win that game would have been if they put the word “Bowl” in the title.

Mad Handles: We can stop talking about Baylor now, right? Right.

The Right Rev:. Sam Bradford’s manicurist loves the nonconference season. Gives her time to take care of his nails on Saturdays, while he’s waiting for his receivers to get open.

2. Missouri

Smooth as Eggs: The best offense in the country, no matter what that waste of space Mark May spewed (Lou Holtz is starting to sound smarter).

Slow Jerk: No doubt the best offense in the country. Here’s a secret – the D isn’t that bad, either.

Mad Handles: How good is this offense? Well, Bigfoot is sighted more often than the Missouri punter. His name is Jake Harry, by the way.

The Right Rev: Don’t worry, Nebraska fan. Your guys played hard. You’ve got a nice little QB. It’s a long season – good luck the rest of the way.

3. Alabama

Smooth as Eggs: Don’t be too concerned. The Tide just came out flat. That’s common in the SEC.

Slow Jerk:Least exciting number 3 team in the history of the number 3.

Mad Handles:This is as high as ‘Bama belongs. Best of the SEC, but would struggle mightily vs. the two offenses above.

The Right Rev: So now we know – if Bama isn’t running the ball well, JPW still is JPW. That’s why Alabama will lose to LSU.

4. Texas

Smooth as Eggs: Still haven’t played anybody. Sorry, Cody Hawkins is just that bad.

Slow Jerk: Interesting to see how they do against OU this week. Signs point to “poorly”

Mad Handles: You could have had Chase Daniel, Texas. Instead you go into the OU matchup led by Colt McCoy. Not a bad option, but think of what could have been. Just think about it.

The Right Rev: Can Mack Brown beat Olahoma without Vince Young?

5. Penn State

Smooth as Eggs: I wonder if JoePa took the Lions out to that swinging burger joint fo rmilkshakes after the game?

Slow Jerk: After this coming week – they’ll be number 3. It’s the magic number.

Mad Handles: With Terrelle Pryor, this could be a legit National Championship contender. Just sayin’. He was in your back yard, guys.

The Right Rev: If there was a win by a top 10 team that was almost as unimpressive as Bama versus Kentucky, it was Penn State against Purdue.

6. LSU

Smooth as Eggs: Even on a bye week, LSU scored more than most SEC teams.

Slow Jerk: Watched the Big 12 this week hoping for tips on how to run an offense.

Mad Handles: Word is Les Miles spent most of Sunday on the phone with Bo Pelini who vowed that he “made a mistake, and if you’ll just take me back this one last time, I’ll never stray again.”

The Right Rev: Sucks when you drop during a bye week, doesn’t it Tigers?

7. BYU

Smooth as Eggs: Bad news Aggie fans, I think according to Mormon law, you are now married to the Cougars.

Slow Jerk: BYU has surpassed Notre Dame as this country’s predominant denominational football power.

Mad Handles: They keep winning, we keep grinnin’. BYU is shaping up to be the proverbial thorn in the BCS’ side.

The Right Rev: What to say about BYU… well, if there’s much to say about them between now and the showdown with Utah, that’s probably bad news for the Fighting Mormons. You know, since they’re through the tough part of their schedule.

8. Texas Tech

Smooth as Eggs: Congrats to Graham Harrell – Texas Tech’s all-time leading passer. With about 3 trillion yards.

Slow Jerk: Of all the Big 12 teams, has anyone else been tested less? It’s like they are athletes taking courses at Georgia.

Mad Handles: Add “carpenter”‘ to the “skills” category on Mike Leach’s resume, because he just delivered a decisive nail to Ron Prince’s coffin.

The Right Rev: Someday, when kSU fans are asked when they knew Ron Prince was out, they will reference Texas Tech.

9. USC

Smooth as Eggs: How do you answer adversity – 41 straight points to bitchslap the Ducks, that’s how.

Slow Jerk: Really, how did Dirty Sanchez not break his leg? That was nasty. Almost as nasty as a poo mustache.

Mad Handles Had a slow start recovering from the wind sprint-induced comas Carrol put them in, but came to life in plenty of time to destroy a weak Oregon team.

The Right Rev: Be honest: You still wouldn’t want to play them in a bowl.

10. Utah

Smooth as Eggs: Unlike the Trojans, Utah didn’t get Jacquizzed all over.

Slow Jerk: Utah is now the pale, ugly USC.

Mad Handles: Creepin’ up. Watch your back, BYU.

The Right Rev: The Utes continued the Mountain West’s dominance of the Pac-10. here’s a question, Pac-10… why not add those Utah schools to your league? At least then, they don’t make your league look bad.

11. Vanderbilt

Smooth as Eggs: Smart kids rule, part 1.

Slow Jerk: Now, I feel good for Vandy – but how ugly did campus look on ESPN Gameday? Corso looked attractive in comparison.

Mad Handles: Como estan, bitches? Vandy’s here to wreck your SEC projections.

The Right Rev: Vanderbilt. Undefeated. Just won a game after hosting Gameday, with their backup QB at the helm. What?

12. Ohio State

Smooth as Eggs: Terrelle Pryor is the truth.

Slow Jerk: Bullshit – Terrelle Pryor is not the truth. The truth is that the Big 10 sucks.

Mad Handles: Ugh. Becasue they beat Wisconsin, now I have to endure the brainless wonders behind the camera talk about Ohio State in the National Championship picture again.

The Right Rev: Amazing what blue-chip QBs can do, isn’t it, Tressel?

13. Florida

Smooth as Eggs: Interesting concept – running the ball with actual running backs and using somebody besides Tim Tebow and Percy Harvin.

Slow Jerk: Urban Meyer put a ban on Tebow-led circumcisions.

Mad Handles: Led mighty Arkansas by 17 at the half. Let me repeat. They led mighty Arkansas by 14 at the half.

The Right Rev:Still not seeing the same Timmy Tebow. Maybe he should spend less time being a good person and more time being a good football player?

14. Georgia

Smooth as Eggs: Silly Georgia folks – saying Aron White looks like a fullback. He looks like a wide receiver, but I guess that’s not really needed in a “real” offense.

Slow Jerk: I’ve forgotten about this team. And i’m Ok with that.

Mad Handles: Hey. Can’t lose if you don’t play. Nice strategy, Georgia!

The Right Rev:Congrats. Kentucky gave Bama more of a game than you did.

15. Oklahoma State

Smooth as Eggs: Poor Zac Robinson. First, he’s not a man. Second, he can go 10-of-13 with three touchdowns and still not make a blip on the radar thanks to the stacked quarterback position in the Big 12.

Slow Jerk: Okie State is a RUNNING football team. Nat’l pundits – wake up.

Mad Handles: I think we’re about to find out how much of a man Gundy is. I don’t think he’s going to like the conclusion.

The Right Rev: Offense looks great, but the defense doesn’t. Think Missouri, circa 2006.

16. Boise State

Smooth as Eggs: Still kicking ass, even without the Statue of Liberty play.

Slow Jerk: How cute – blue and orange sections in the stadium. What a visual nightmare.

Mad Handles: They’re a big story in Idaho.

The Right Rev:Side note: Ian Johnson still is playing at Boise; Yeah, it seems like he has been there forever, but what the Rev really wants to know is if his hot wife still cheerleading?

17. Michigan State

Smooth as Eggs: They have a Ringer.

Slow Jerk:17. Michigan State – Second best team in the Big 10.

Mad Handles:17. Michigan State – This was the kind of score that looks somewhat impressive in the SEC – because in that conference it means you had two very good defenses going up against each other. In the Big Ten… not so much.

The Right Rev: The Javon Ringer show probably isn’t this good. But somebody has to be there (and the Rev got outvoted)…

18. North Carolina

Smooth as Eggs: The new best team in the ACC?

Slow Jerk: I believe I said this team would be good.

Mad Handles: So what position does this Hansbrough kid play, again?

The Right Rev: Butch Davis is building. Be afraid, ACC. Be afaid.

19. Northwestern

Smooth as Eggs: Smart kids rule, part 2.

Slow Jerk: Pardon my language, but what the FUCK?

Mad Handles: Hey, look everybody! A purple-clad team called the Wildcats that actually knows how to play the game of football!

The Right Rev: The Rev has several Northwestern alums as friends, so that’s good. And who doesn’t freaking LOVE Pat Fitzgerald. Great story.

20. Virginia Tech

Smooth as Eggs: In Tyrod Taylor the Hokies trust.

Slow Jerk: They almost lost to nebraska.

Mad Handles: These guys would kill in the Big Ten.

The Right Rev: Gee, think Frankie wishes he had played Tyrod Taylor against East Carolina?

21. Cal

Smooth as Eggs: Nate Longshore resurfaces as does the Bears.

Slow Jerk: Jason Kidd is somewhere making it rain

Mad Handles: Longshore? In Generic Land, would that be roughly the equivalent to Long Beach?

The Right Rev: Cal throws its name in the ring and says “hey, WE could be No. 2 in the Pac-10.”

Paddle Line

This week’s Paddle Line, brought to you by the number one, the letter Z, a nice scotch on the rocks (thanks, Ron Burgundy) and the always-reliable Trojan condom (forget that the Trojan broke and you got Jacquizzed on last week. One-time deal, we swear). Also, the Rev would like to mention a few honorable mentions for the paddle line: Lee Corso (your act at Vandy was not only classless but also stupid and wrong. Tommy Tuberville says thanks, but if you ever associated him with Fat Phil Fulmer again, he will tell an Auburn booster to buy your soul) and Kenny Chesney (how someone becomes a Boston Red Sox fan living in Tennessee is a mystery, but I’m sure it has something to do with your gay love affair with Payton Manning, you short, bald no-talent hack).

1. Nebraska defense

Smooth as Eggs: There is no shame in giving up 45 points to Missouri’s offense (The Tigers scored one touchdown on a interception return). However, openly stating that you were going to pitch a shut out, that you were “jacked up” over some top-secret defensive gameplan devised at Roswell and how angry you were based on the ass-whipping Missouri delivered last year – not smart. Guess the Huskers aren’t quite reBOrn yet. Not to mention the loogie launched at Chase Daniel before the game by an unnamed nub player.

Slow Jerk: No way the “unnamed” player spit on Chase. He doesn’t spit – he SUHwallows. Bo Pelini calls him a cockSUHker. Oh yeah – the blackshirts are nothing but a cute little tradition now.

Mad Handles: Wait. I’m confused. Doesn’t something have to exist to be included on this list?

The Right Rev: Bo knows how to make a reBOrn defense look BOdacious; thanks to the CARLfense, they’ve got corn.

2. kansAss

Smooth as Eggs: Blah, blah, blah. Yeah, you rallied to beat Iowa State (thanks to a pair of drops on the Cyclones’ last drive). All I know is that a good team wouldn’t fall behind 20-0 at halftime to a Chizik.

Slow Jerk: if ISU is up 20-0 at half against you, I propose a NCAA sanction that says you automatically lose.

Mad Handles: You point to the comeback. I point to 20-0 at half. That’s just sad.

The Right Rev: The jayhawks are lucky Iowa State’s receivers dropped two passes and its quarterback blew a touchdown throw on the last drive. Oh yeah, and kansas sucks.

3. Auburn’s offense

Smooth as Eggs: The goal is to take that oblong ball and score with it.

Slow Jerk: Your homework assignment – look up the phrase “forward pass”

Mad Handles: Please refer to my comment on the Nebraska defense. This is all very confusing to me. We need to establish some rules here at STQ.

The Right Rev: There is no “o” in Auburn’s offensive _ffense.

4. South Florida

Smooth as Eggs: Seriously, Pitt? So much for the Big East’s last hope.

Slow Jerk: The Big East has officially shit on itself.

Mad Handles: We take a break from your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this announcement from the BCS committee: Thank you, Pittsburgh. Thank you very very much. Do you play BYU?

The Right Rev: Just when the Bulls thought they were gonna get out… Shady McCoy pulls ‘em right back in.

5. Wisconsin

Smooth as Eggs: See Auburn.

Slow Jerk: Everige sucks.

Mad Handles: Didn’t we all know this was going to happen sooner or later?

The Right Rev: Note to Bielema: You will lose a lot more games at Camp Randall if you don’t bring that offense into the 20th century. The forward pass now is legal.

6. aTm

Smooth as Eggs: I don’t think it would be too kneejerk to fire Sherman in his first season.

Slow Jerk: ow, has there been a worse first year for a coach not named Pelini?

Mad Handles: I usually advocate for keeping coaches at least three years, but I honestly don’t think it’s too early to pull the plug on Sherman right now.

The Right Rev: Wondering why you hired Mike Sherman? Check. Wondering if Tommy Tuberville will jump ship? Check.

7. Scary Smart

Smooth as Eggs: Nothing wrong with getting lit up by Texas Tech. After watching the Mildcats’ inability to tackle against Louisville, I expected K-State to get torched in the Big 12. However, not quite sure about Scary Smart’s recruiting tactics – lastly, cancelling a visit from a four-star QB.

Slow Jerk: Community colleges have no place in the big 12.

Mad Handles: For our non-Big 12 fans, this refers to Ron Prince, whom at least one k-State fan called “scary smart” not long after his hire. See… now it’s just a big running joke.

The Right Rev: Note to Ron Prince: You’re not smarter than everyone else. JUCOs are JUCOs for a reason. Your running back is an NFL Pro Bowl safety waiting to happen. Your quarterback is an NFL tight end. The 3-4 defense can only work in college if you can develop elite DTs (and you can’t do that in Manhattan. Hell, Notre Dame struggles to find ‘em.